After hearing  Brene’s podcast with Harriet Lerner on Apologizing I was reminded of some important truths:

  1. Those who’ve done the most damage often are the least able to apologize.
  2. Those who do a lot of harm do so because they come from a place of their own deep shame.
  3. The non-apologizers walk along a tight rope above a huge canyon of low self esteem.
  4. Arrogance is really low self esteem.
  5. When we speak our truth it is done to hear our own truth from our own voice, saying it validates what’s happened. No need to expect the apology to validate our pain. 
  6. Those who don’t apologize- it doesn’t have anything to do with love for you. It is all to do with the size and strength of their own platform of self worth.
  7. Sometimes people won’t apologize because if they do, they’ll collapse into shame so deeply that they can’t see themselves out.
  8. Being able to apologize for own your part in the situation shows a healthy self esteem, it comes from a place of integrity, and that you value the relationship.

 

Being a Good Listener

  1. Notice when we are listening in defensive mode.  This is manifested by listening for the inaccuracies or what you don’t agree with. These can be addressed at another time.
  2. Listen to understand. Listen for what is in common or for the ESSENCE of what is being said.
  3. Being a good listener is also knowing when it is a good time for you to be at your best to listen well. And it’s ok to set up a time when and a place where you can be more engaged and open with the conversation.
  4. Defensiveness is the arch enemy of listening and connecting.
  5. Listening to someone tell us we’ve hurt them is hard to do. It is easier when we focus on the injured party’s pain and care more about them and their healing in that moment over our own stuff.  
  6. Stay curious.
  7. Listening means you stop talking, defending, excusing. Just listen and breathe.

 

Apologizing gives us three gifts

  1. Gift to the hurt party – it validates their wounds and shows respect
  2. Gift to self – being vulnerable requires courage. Apologizing sincerely improves own self esteem and builds our own integrity
  3. Gift to the relationship – shows we value the relationship more than being ‘right’.

 

Lisa B Hilton, CTRC, of Hilton Coaching & Consulting, is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach and supports adult survivors of childhood traumas and neglect. Her focus is walking with the client in their healing journey supporting the transformation of travesty into triumph.

Why is my memory not working right?

Lab tests have shown that when trauma happens, the frontal lobe shuts down, including the region necessary to put feelings into words, the region that creates a sense of location in time, and the thalamus, which integrates the raw data of incoming sensations.
Under ordinary conditions the rational and emotional brains collaborate to produce a blended response.

What does this mean?

The intense horror of being abused causes the brain to become off balance and this trauma disconnects various brain areas that are necessary for proper storage [memory].
Terror shuts off the frontal cortex [the thinking brain] and the limbic system and brain stem function [the emotional brain] take over to ensure that you survive the event[s]. During abuse, the sole purpose of your body is to keep you alive – this is the trauma response – of Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn.

With the brain not processing all the information that is happening correctly, there is no coherent, logical narrative of the abuse. Rather, the memory becomes fragmentated with emotional sensations, images, sounds and physical sensations. The ability to tell what happened at the beginning, then what happened next, and then after that, and then what happened, and how it all ended …… all this is not possible from one who’s been abused.

So you abuse survivors, there is nothing wrong with you because you are not able to recall the abuse in a story like fashion. Your body and brain did not nor could not remember the abuse that way. There was too much adrenalin flowing through your body. Your memories, as they return, manifest in various ways and your body will allow them to surface when it is ready to process them for recovery. They will come back in bits and pieces and this is perfectly normal. There is no judgement. You will get through this. You are not alone. As a certified trauma recovery coach I am here to help you along your healing journey.

How familiar are you with the topic of Spiritual Abuse, Emotional Abandonment and Child Abuse? I often have heard that child abuse is Spiritual Abuse and while managing to *see how having an adult caregiver is cold and distant can impact a child’s relationship with God I wasn’t able to see beyond that.

Here is what I’ve come to learn: Emotional Abandonment or Neglect IS spiritually abusive because the child cannot grasp the concept of a Higher Power as being actively involved in their lives; One who genuinely cares since the caregiver rarely interacted with them in a caring way. Resulting- they either believe there is no Higher Power or don’t trust the Higher Power to support and help them.

Sometimes children are angry with or hate the family concept of a Higher Power for allowing the parent to abuse them. These children blame the Higher Power for failure to protect instead of blaming or feeling angry with the caregiver. Sometimes it is *easier to blame God rather than admitting that one’s own parents acted willfully abusive towards them.

Some parents demand that the children do or only believe exactly what the parents do and that anything else is unacceptable. The children may never go through that developmental process in which they learn to feel good about doing things their way. The ability to reason and utilize rational thinking may be impeded.

If this squelching of the children’s freedom to become unique individual selves is carried to the extreme, the children lose touch with any sense of what their own way is. They often lose their sense of who they are, what their own identity is. This gets carried into adulthood and often these ones feel disconnected and have no relationship with themselves, to their community and the world at large. They may feel life is pointless or has no meaning. Or they become controlling, demanding, abusive, or critical of others.

Some parents become addicted to religion in that it gets to the pint where the religious devotion takes away from other priorities including their own children, who need their, time, attention, direction and love. Therefore, these addicted parents end up abusing their own children through neglect.

Also, some religiously addicted parents use the concept of God to frighten and threaten the children. The children’s fear of God’s punishment forces them to do what the parents want them to do. The parents overcontrol the children and the children learn to be afraid of God. The children obey out of fear and coercion, not because they love their parents or love God and want to make them happy.

Other religious addicts avoid any real problem solving with their children by quoting scripture. Instead of providing structure for their children in the form of rules and information that their children can understand, scripture is quoted. Often without explaining in a way that means something at the children’s current level. Therefore, the children do not understand. This causes anxiety and the children feel emotionally neglected and lost. They often end up thinking there is something wrong with them.

Other parents demonstrate irresponsibility to children by turning everything over to God without doing any of the footwork. This means parents say or their body language says something like ‘I am walking away from the responsibility to fix this problem or mend this wound. He’ll fix this in the end.’ This is extremely damaging because the children get the message that they themselves are ‘not worth the effort.’

Also, children need to see what human responsibility looks like, what problem solving looks like, what working on a relationship looks like, and what accountability looks like. Children learn nothing about how to approach life’s problems with the above attitude. By ‘leaving this with God’ these types of parents are also using God as a scape goat for their own problems. it becomes an avoidance tactic that absolves the parents’ of the responsibility to work things out, to be accountable, to parent healthily.

This attitude provides children zero guidance and direction and instead, teaches how to live without accountability and remorse. Sometimes no conscience is developed in these children. They grow up experiencing extreme emotional anguish and frustration. They can grow up feeling anger and resentful towards God or a Higher Power.

There is also the damage that ensues when a child is abused by a religious person who is in any position of authority. This topic will be discussed at another time. So how can a child develop a healthy relationship with God or a Higher Power when the above happens?

Again, the above is another form of Abuse to a the child’s psyche, another emotional injury and impacts the child’s well-being. It is Abuse by Abandonment. Emotional Blackmail in some instances, therefore, Spiritual Abuse. There is hope though! Working with a certified Trauma Recovery Coach will support you through this minefield of pain and get to the other side of your healing journey. I’m here when you’re ready.

Did you grow up in a family where it was said or implied that ‘what happens in this house stays in this house’? Or perhaps, ‘We don’t air our dirty laundry in public’. Or, ‘some things we just don’t talk about’.
You were probably told that this is how we show respect to our family, to our neighbours, to our community, etc. Is that really true?

Now that we are in the 21st century, does this motto of keeping family secrets secret really work? Does it teach transparency, honesty, acceptance, tolerance, upholding truth, etc? Or, does it teach shame, guilt, inauthenticity, hiding, secrecy, pretending, living a lie, disconnection, dishonesty, etc? IMO, I’d say the latter. Who does SILENCE protect? Does it protect the victim, does it protect the family’s reputation? Well, we’ve been told that is the case and if you believed it, then you’ve drunk the Kool-aide too. Because the truth is—SILENCE protects the PERPETRATOR. That’s it! That is the cold hard truth. As long as you don’t talk about sexual abuse, pretend that it isn’t that common, deny that it could happen right in your own family, in your own backyard, in your own community, and treat the victim like there’s something wrong with her for finally having the courage to speak out and tell her truth, then these abusers will just keep on abusing, just keep on grooming and threatening their victims into silence. AND they have free reign, right? Is that really the type of society you’d like to live in, raise your children or grandchildren in? I for one refuse to. What about you?

SHAME, hiding the truth, ignoring reality are all BIG things. Talking about what’s gone on in our lives does NOT bring shame to ourselves, to our families, to our friends, to our community – these all are LIES. Rather, talking about what happened to us puts the shame and the blame onto the one[s] who’ve committed the errors, committed the sins, committed the crimes. Thank goodness our society is shifting to where speaking openly about this is helps remove the stigma. What a relief that is! Are you keeping up with this fast moving chariot? Have you adopted this open and honest mindset and are willing to listen to those who’ve suffered such terrible egregious violations? Are you willing to be a compassionate witness to their pain and suffering?

It is time to put the blame, guilt and shame right where it belongs -onto the shoulders and laps of those who’ve committed these egregious acts and on those who enabled, and leave it there.

Victims of sexual abuse have to deal with so much inner judgement, self blame, terror, self shame, pain etc that they don’t need anything else heaped upon them by their ‘family’ or ‘friends’ or community. To find the courage to tell their story has to be applauded and admired, not hushed. Speaking from experience, living a lie for about 5 decades has taken a toll on my physical health, my spiritual health and my psyche. Hiding the truth, not facing the truth NEVER works long term, ever. The facts show that these crimes are way more common than you think. Look around you, it’s estimated that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have or will be sexually assaulted. These wounded individuals are everywhere. Do your part to provide a safe place for them to be.

So if you are one who feels uncomfortable with the subject of childhood sexual abuse, then maybe it’s time to do some of your own ‘work’ and find out why.

Childhood trauma often includes Emotional Neglect aka Emotional Abandonment.

Emotional neglect is extremely painful for it sends the message that our feelings, opinions, needs and wants don’t matter.

When there is zero to little communication on how we feel about what is happening, even if its about school or friendships, family dynamics, etc, if we weren’t hugged or kissed; or if we’ve never learned that we are a welcome and appreciated member of the family, we grow up feeling and believing we are unlovable. Toxic beliefs become intrinsic to our identities. This also negatively impacts our own self worth.

We also learn that feeling our emotions are unwanted and unnecessary to life and just too painful. We end up just existing – for without emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant, life lacks the substance that makes living truly enjoyable.

Therefore, part of the healing from childhood trauma is getting in touch with these feelings. And THIS IS SCARY WORK!

So where do the feelings and emotions go? They stay there in the body locked down way deep, they infiltrate our cells, our nervous system, our brain and so on. Eventually the body gets tired of hiding these emotions because they are linked to who we really are. The authentic self starts to clamor for its voice. To keep a cap on them becomes more difficult, especially when around anyone who triggers unpleasant emotions.

The harder we have to work at ignoring these feelings, the stronger they become. Feeling emotions is foreign because we haven’t allowed ourselves to in such a long, long time. Yet when we have support to feel a little at a time we learn that these feelings or emotions won’t harm us, that we can work through them successfully. Practicing feeling emotions a little at a time can get us ready for the next level of healing- facing some of the bigger feelings and emotions.

What has helped me is to view emotions as waves of water. When we dive into the wave, the water washes over us and the impact of the wave’s hit is lessened. And so it is with the emotions from the past. All the unresolved feelings and emotions will eventually surface – that is something we can usually count on. And when we see these waves of emotions coming it ends up being less impactful in the long run to just dive into the wave – facing it before it gets to strong. We learn that these feelings and emotions are not nearly as powerful as thought – that we can feel them and get through feeling them without it swallowing us up. Going into the wave lessens the blow.

Admittedly it is not easy work. I hear from clients and noticed in myself that when I began to allow myself to *feel* it seemed that it was too much – I felt too much, I noticed too much. However, this IS a phase that one goes through, that’s all. In time one learns to manage these healthfully. In time one learns to get used to feeling emotions. 😊

A gentle reminder – you have a choice. It’s up to you how you choose to work with your unresolved feelings and emotions.

When you’re ready, having the support of a trauma recovery coach or trauma informed therapist will be helpful. As a peer and a TR Coach, I can support you in rediscovering your feelings, get connected with them in a safe and healthy way.

~Lisa Hilton, fellow childhood trauma survivor and founder of Hilton Coaching & Consulting.

Have you heard of CD?

Are you aware of What it is?

Have you seen it in action in yourself? In others?

What can you do when you are struggling with this yourself?

How can you help yourself when seeing this in others?

In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values, and is typically experienced as psychological stress or literal head pain. The discomfort is triggered by the person’s belief clashing with new information, and so they try to find a way to resolve the contradiction to reduce the discomfort. When two actions or ideas are not psychologically consistent with each other, people do all in their power to change them until they become consistent or resolve this discrepancy.

Sometimes one can literally feel like the brain almost is splitting as it works to make sense of this new information. Often there is outright resistance. So, it can show up as denial, or in words like: I can’t believe that is true! So and so wouldn’t do something like that- I know him or her!  That’s impossible. You’re making this up! Or, Am I making this up? Or, You’re blowing this out of proportion – it can’t be that bad!  Etc.

Most survivors of childhood abuse experience CD when some memories start to surface. Sometimes there are no picture memories, or only bits and pieces that appear out of nowhere or perhaps there are waves of intense emotions that cause extreme anxiety or terror without pictures and it’s not certain where or why this is happening. These are Emotional Flashbacks.

When these begin to happen sometimes the abuse victim has periods of Cognitive Dissonance. This is because she or he is trying to make sense of what is happening inside.

Other times these same victims will experience CD from others when they start to tell their story.

Often the ones that the abuse survivors hoped would believe them and or support them don’t believe the survivor. Those with CD are in total denial of what happened.

It’s good to remember this truth- Denial is a choice.

Yes, Denial is a choice. In fact, for some abuse survivors you’ll see how CD can be so deep that these ones even deny their denial. Denial is contagious and I see denial as another pandemic in our world.

 

Years ago I heard this expression: “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”  Meaning we cannot convince another unless that person wants to and is willing to be open to other ideas or possibilities. If that person is willing to entertain the idea that he or she may not have all the facts, then they may believe our story.

How does CD show up in others besides denial of your experiences? Well, it can also manifest in avoidance of the topic, it can manifest in avoidance of you, the one talking of a sex crime.  It can manifest in retaliation or slander of the victim, and the like. Usually it’s more often shown in quiet or covert disagreement.

How do you deal with this pain, the feeling of judgement and or rejection by the cognitive dissonance of others?

Here are a few things that helped me work through this.

Change your thinking– how?

There may also be resistance to accept the fact that each and every one of us humans is capable of having egregious or wicked thoughts and even acting on them. Fortunately, most of us don’t act on them.

It is a disservice to child abuse victim/survivors if all energy is focused on the 20% who will never “get it” nor believe. Focussing on this group is a guaranteed road of futility, discouragement, and needless suffering. For healing it’s beneficial to let that last 20% go.

Get moving

Practice Mindfulness

Understand the level of shame that your childhood trauma caused and notice how it’s impacted your life

Practice Self Compassion

  1. Self compassion is the antidote to shame.
  2. Be patient with yourselves as these memories start to arise. Work hard at not judging self.
  3. Learn to love yourself not necessarily despite childhood experiences, rather, because of them.
  4. Be determined to change negative and self-defeating thinking into a mindset that is healthy and conducive to reaching recovery goals instead of hindering.
  5. Connect with a certified Trauma Recovery Coach who can help you navigate your healing journey, assuring you feel and see that you’re not alone, that you matter, that your pain matters.

I trust it has been helpful to learn what cognitive dissonance is, how it shows up and learning what you can do make self more open to your own healing journey. Feel free to print this off and/or refer to it as you continue to develop healthy coping strategies for your own trauma recovery.

I trust that this has been helpful for you. If you’d like further information on how to show self compassion or identifying what the next step is in your healing journey, feel free to contact me.

 

Lisa B Hilton, CTRC, of Hilton Coaching & Consulting, is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach and supports adult survivors of childhood traumas and neglect. Her focus is walking with the client in their healing journey supporting the transformation of travesty into triumph.

IN APRIL 2020, I was into my 20th month of full-on healing from being retraumatized by the same abuser who sexually assaulted me when I was 4 years old. In looking back over the years, 27 to be exact, I have been addressing my memories of the sexual abuse off and on. And so, this last time I will admit that I felt angry that I was needing to revisit the abuse, unpack it and recover from it …. again.

During this most recent time frame I’ve come to understand a lot more of the impact of these experiences and the trauma that ensued and how it encompassed my whole life, my whole being from that moment forward. What also caused a lot of damage was that I didn’t grow up in an environment where I felt I belonged. Was it the sexual abuse that caused me to feel that way – segregated and isolated and unwanted and unloved? Maybe some of it, yes, yet there is a part of me that believes that there was more to this feeling of emptiness than that. I have come to learn a lot about gaslighting and DARVO and have come to see how a lot of that behaviour was and is still happening. I bet it is considered normal treatment of each other but to me it is oppressive and extremely unloving and abusive. Being led to believe and being treated like my perspective and thoughts and opinions on my abuse and how it’s impacted me doesn’t matter as much as theirs – well… there really are not words for such nonsensical behaviour. This is denial and disrespect at its best.

I wade the damage that this recent resurgence has done to my thought processes for I have days and weeks of fogginess with poor memory and poor focus. I have learned that this is what is called dissociation. Frankly, I hate it when I am like this. I also know and understand that it is what my body is doing because my brain is rewiring itself, discharging all the lies and work arounds I had to do to just live and exist and leading me to where I want and deserve to be – where there is clarity, vibrancy, joy, harmony and a sense of connection. This is part of my healing journey and now, with this CV-19 pandemic, a lot of the old childhood feelings of disconnection, isolation, fear, angst, not belonging, hopelessness, powerlessness, voicelessness, etc have resurfaced, unfortunately. I know that I am not alone, and I say that to others. We are all in this collective global trauma together. Today I have healthy coping strategies in place to help me get through the dissociated periods and prayer helps so much, especially when I am feeling a lot of overwhelm.

Several books were read to understand what was going on with me and a few were by Brené Brown. I was baffled where she was talking about a challenge she experienced with a Maya Angelou quote: “I belong every place. I belong no place. I belong to myself.” I too struggled with this, not grasping what those words meant. Only in these last few days has this door opened to me. Now I understand. Before I could though, I had to let go of where I thought I belonged, I had to stop yearning and pining for this place that didn’t exist in reality – it existed only in my dreams. Embracing the reality that I belonged to me instead helped me see that this is what Maya and Brené meant. And that this is where I am meant to be.

This means to me is that I belong to myself, I belong to and am loyal to the values I hold dear. By living my values, respecting my own boundaries of what I expect from myself, and embracing all of me, loving me – even the deeply scarred part of me, finally conceding to the fact that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone – for it’s just me and God, that’s it! By letting go of all that angst, letting go of all that pressure that I have allowed into my space, my very being, there is now room for freedom, joy, love and connections.

And you know what? That emptiness is dissipating. That bodily hunger is going away. I am being filled with unconditional love, with acceptance, with peace, with passion, with vibrance and joy. It is so wonderful to have that door opened and being able to allow all that goodness in!

Trauma Recovery IS possible. It feels great and so well worth the work! Because – to get to the other side – there is no life like it. I have unfurled my wings and am soaring. Love has lifted me up high.

I have been there where you are, so let me help you get to where you want to be too.

 

I am Lisa, a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach offering support for adult survivors of childhood trauma transform tragedy into triumph.

Silence – that is the biggest thing any perpetrator or abuser wants.  

Silence at any cost, no matter what.

 

Silence ONLY benefits the perpetrator, the abuser.

Silence NEVER helps the victim to feel empowered.  

OR silence results after the child tells a parent and the parent doesn’t believe them.  Again, silence only helps the perp to keep on abusing.

Silence though, does give the victim child the time needed to work through their pain and suffering.

What has helped me was there was a tiny part of me that knew that if I told, I’d have the opportunity to ruin my abuser’s reputation.  That kind of power was frightening to me.  I chose to not use that power years ago because I could see by this abuser’s  life that he created a lot of his own problems and that he was suffering enough.  But

When he decided that I should be silent, that is when I knew it was time to talk.  He had gotten used to my silence.  It’s probably that he could not face his own shame at what he’s done, he doesn’t want to look at this dark part of himself. My silence helps him ignore and pretend is not there.  He has tried to excuse his behaviour, he’s downplayed it claiming he was ‘just a boy’ when he was a teenager sexually assaulting  a 4 yr old.  He claims he didn’t know anything about sex at that time.  And I see that he’s gotten many people to drink this Kool aide of his.   BUT —  the big question is – Why not find a consenting teenager, your own age and experiment with her?  Why did you choose a 4 yr old instead?     He knew full well what he was doing and it was premediated, calculated, yes, it was all planned out.  He knew what he was doing was wrong because he locked me in the room with him.

So no, I won’t be silent about what he did to me.  Even though it’s raw and painful to share my story publicly, it still needs to be told and validated.

No it is NOT retaliation when the abuse victim starts to tell her truth. It is her reclaiming her voice and taking her power back. 

Telling validates the pain, the suffering, the story.  Telling is vital to healing.  Telling doesn’t have to be on SM or to others,  it can sometimes involve only telling ourselves – acknowledging what happened and work through the shame, guild and blame that has resulted from the abuse with the help of professionals or self help books. 

Each CSA survivor is unique unto her or himself. Each one will handle their truth their own way. Each one will reclaim their lives in the best way they see fit.

Silence no longer works for me. I’ve been silent for over 50 years and it didn’t help my health nor my relationships nor my professional choices at all. In fact, it made things a lot more challenging in many ways. 

Silence by others, silence by those who know the victim yet hold back from being supportive – this is the silence that slices and stabs like a sword. This type of silence is never healthy, never helps the victim to heal, it only helps the abuser.  This type of silence causes confusion in the victim and it creates chasms because the victim reads the silence as Not caring, as complicity, as unsafety, as distrust and as disrespect.    Unfortunately there is NO fence-sitting when it comes to childhood sexual abuse.  You’re on either one side or the other.

Listen to the victim. Give him or her the grace and safe place they need so they can focus on healing and do more than simply survive.  They want and need to thrive.

Have you reached a time in your life that certain behaviours or some mindsets aren’t quite working for you anymore?  Are you noticing challenges socially, relationally, professionally? Have you hit a block somewhere and can’t seem to get past it? Are you finding that you are overly sensitive to criticism? Are you noticing that you are working with people who gaslight?

Because childhood trauma teaches us many lies, we as adult survivors have a lot of unpacking to do.  One of these lies is that ‘I am unworthy – unlovable’.

This is due to the horrific violations and egregious acts that happened to us, our bodies, our psyche.

We felt bad, awful, yucky inside so we ended up thinking:  If I feel bad then I must be bad.  And so that deeply rooted lie gets implanted. 

From this moment onward we become someone who doesn’t see self as being worth loving, not deeply, not unconditionally, not wholeheartedly. Often, we feel like we are imposters, thinking that if people just knew who we really are, they’d know that we are a nobody, not worthy of respect, that the one huge flaw that you’ve spent all your energy hiding will be revealed and you’ll get hauled out on the carpet for it, exposed for the fraud that you think you are.  Well, you are not alone.

One of the things that a Trauma Recovery Coach does is work with one to unpack these lies, break down the barriers that resisted the ‘other love’.  Yes, perhaps we grew up being loved but by believing that lie above, we are unable to allow that in because of that lie that has become our ‘truth’. Perhaps these experiences impacted your ability to truly 100% accept yourself as is – to unconditionally love yourself.

Is it time for you see your worth?  Is it time for you to love your self as you are created to do? Is it time for you to see your light as others do?  Are you ready to do the work necessary so you can live life with less baggage, less self-imposed limitations, and more freedom? 

I am here to support your healing transformation from travesty into triumph.

 

When we have been abused physically, sexually, or emotionally in childhood we don’t know what to do with the horrible feelings that remain inside of us.
At such a young age, our brains are still developing so we are unable to comprehend that we are being coerced, manipulated, shamed, dominated or groomed or being used and abused by what’s happening to us.

All we can notice is that we feel bad inside. Perhaps we feel a bit of terror or are frightened but we may not understand that there are other feelings going on too like: shock, dismay, powerlessness, victimized, vulnerable, perplexed, alienated, insecure, empty and so on. At a young age, we usually chalk this all up to feeling bad.

So if we can’t talk about what is going on inside our minds and what’s happening to us these unpleasant feelings become internalized and then we start believing that we are bad, that there is something inherently wrong with us, we are defective to our core.

This belief is the seed of shame. Shame means we believe that we are unworthy, that we are defective, that we don’t deserve anything good, that we are unlovable. We cannot separate doing something bad from feeling we are bad.

Imagine us, you, as a little one carrying such a heavy burden. Self loathing and self abuse can then become normal. A negative chatterer now lives in our heads and our belief systems of our worth and what we can contribute to our little worlds is deeply tarnished. We’ve lost our shine, our spark, our brilliance. And this is such a sad way to live.

As we become adults, we develop characteristics that reveal our shame. And yet shame doesn’t like to be talked about nor ever mentioned. It is insidious yet it’s there in nearly everything we think, say and do. Shame manifests itself in many forms. It can be in our anger, our distrust of self and or others, it can show in how we hold ourselves back; it can show in our lack of self awareness and disconnection to our feelings or perhaps we have a critical inner voice which also gets used towards others. It manifests in our relationships with others – we may find ourselves attracted to abusive or emotionally distant partners, we may have a hard time relating to others on a deep level, we may be aloof or detached, have a fear of needing others, want to remain fiercely independent, and so on. It also shows up in the relationship we have with ourselves, if at all – do we know who we are? 

Are you in a place now where you are feeling stuck? Are you seeing patterns that are not working for you anymore? I’ve been there.

I’m here to share that these deep poisonous beliefs can be removed, eradicated and kicked to the curb in our lives. There IS hope for us childhood trauma survivors. We CAN change our thinking and thereby change our lives. Let’s travel this healing journey together. You are not alone.