Silence – that is the biggest thing any perpetrator or abuser wants.  

Silence at any cost, no matter what.


Silence ONLY benefits the perpetrator, the abuser.

Silence NEVER helps the victim to feel empowered.  

OR silence results after the child tells a parent and the parent doesn’t believe them.  Again, silence only helps the perp to keep on abusing.

Silence though, does give the victim child the time needed to work through their pain and suffering.

What has helped me was there was a tiny part of me that knew that if I told, I’d have the opportunity to ruin my abuser’s reputation.  That kind of power was frightening to me.  I chose to not use that power years ago because I could see by this abuser’s  life that he created a lot of his own problems and that he was suffering enough.  But

When he decided that I should be silent, that is when I knew it was time to talk.  He had gotten used to my silence.  It’s probably that he could not face his own shame at what he’s done, he doesn’t want to look at this dark part of himself. My silence helps him ignore and pretend is not there.  He has tried to excuse his behaviour, he’s downplayed it claiming he was ‘just a boy’ when he was a teenager sexually assaulting  a 4 yr old.  He claims he didn’t know anything about sex at that time.  And I see that he’s gotten many people to drink this Kool aide of his.   BUT —  the big question is – Why not find a consenting teenager, your own age and experiment with her?  Why did you choose a 4 yr old instead?     He knew full well what he was doing and it was premediated, calculated, yes, it was all planned out.  He knew what he was doing was wrong because he locked me in the room with him.

So no, I won’t be silent about what he did to me.  Even though it’s raw and painful to share my story publicly, it still needs to be told and validated.

No it is NOT retaliation when the abuse victim starts to tell her truth. It is her reclaiming her voice and taking her power back. 

Telling validates the pain, the suffering, the story.  Telling is vital to healing.  Telling doesn’t have to be on SM or to others,  it can sometimes involve only telling ourselves – acknowledging what happened and work through the shame, guild and blame that has resulted from the abuse with the help of professionals or self help books. 

Each CSA survivor is unique unto her or himself. Each one will handle their truth their own way. Each one will reclaim their lives in the best way they see fit.

Silence no longer works for me. I’ve been silent for over 50 years and it didn’t help my health nor my relationships nor my professional choices at all. In fact, it made things a lot more challenging in many ways. 

Silence by others, silence by those who know the victim yet hold back from being supportive – this is the silence that slices and stabs like a sword. This type of silence is never healthy, never helps the victim to heal, it only helps the abuser.  This type of silence causes confusion in the victim and it creates chasms because the victim reads the silence as Not caring, as complicity, as unsafety, as distrust and as disrespect.    Unfortunately there is NO fence-sitting when it comes to childhood sexual abuse.  You’re on either one side or the other.

Listen to the victim. Give him or her the grace and safe place they need so they can focus on healing and do more than simply survive.  They want and need to thrive.

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