After six plus years of trauma recovery more realizations are forthcoming. 🙂

For many years, I carried the deep pain of being distanced from my family of origin after disclosing the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of one of my brothers. The rejection I felt was profound, and I grieved not only the loss of my family but also the dream that we could acknowledge and heal together. Over time, though, I came to see an unexpected gift in this experience: the freedom to heal, grow, and become the person I always wanted to be. I have come to see there are blessings of being the black sheep and or scapegoat.

I know this happens in many families. Mine is not unique. In families that struggle with unresolved pain and silence, those who acknowledge the truth can become outsiders. At first, this felt like abandonment. But with time, I realized that distancing myself from an environment that resisted open curious discussion allowed me to begin healing in a way that wouldn’t have been possible if I had stayed. The distance gave me space to see things more clearly and to prioritize my well-being.

Many families operate under the belief that if a problem is ignored long enough, it will disappear. This is not out of malice but often stems from fear and deeply ingrained survival patterns. I have come to understand that my family of origin carries intergenerational shame, much of it unspoken and unconscious. The unwillingness to be vulnerable or curious reflects this burden, one I don’t think they even realize they are carrying.

Experiencing childhood trauma made me different. I used to hate that but now I embrace it. One of the ways I’ve been different – I see the value of talking things through. I’m willing to have the difficult conversations with like-minded individuals. I’d rather resolve issues than point fingers or assign blame (the straw and rafter principle). Conversations and relationship repair is about just that – repair and resolution. It is not about winning the argument. I have learned to take responsibility for my part in misunderstandings, even when others are unwilling or unable to do the same. I can’t make people be open to different perspectives. I can’t make people care. I can’t make people “see.” After learning about the far-reaching tentacles of shame, I now see shame has a lot to do with behaviour and choices – making it difficult to admit one’s own weaknesses and failures, even though every human being has them. My family is just like any other; we are not special or different in this regard.

Doing my childhood trauma healing has required a large measure of humility. I have had to acknowledge where I was wounded, where I needed to grow, and where I needed to extend grace—to myself and to others. True healing isn’t about proving I was right or waiting for others to change; it’s about doing the internal work necessary to free myself from the patterns of traumatic pain that once defined me. This process has been humbling, but it has also been deeply empowering.

Separation gave me the opportunity to reflect in ways I hadn’t before. I learned to trust my emotions, recognize patterns in my own behaviour, and break free from cycles of self-doubt. Without the external pressure to conform to my family’s way of coping, I embraced my own perspective and deepened my emotional intelligence. I’ve learned to name what I’ve experienced and name what I see and it’s necessary for mental and emotional clarity.

Choosing to heal meant approaching life differently than some generations had. It meant refusing to ignore painful realities for the sake of appearances. It meant committing to self-awareness and emotional honesty, even when it was uncomfortable, even painful. By doing this, I’ve been able to cultivate relationships based on openness and mutual respect—ones that feel authentic and fulfilling rather than strained by unspoken truths. This is part of the joy and confidence I feel now.

When a family relies on avoidance to maintain harmony, those who seek acknowledgment can feel out of place. For a long time, I struggled with self-doubt, wondering if I was wrong to want honesty and accountability and validation. But through my healing, I’ve learned that trusting my instincts and valuing my truth are not flaws—they are strengths. Setting boundaries that honour my well-being has deepened my self-trust and authenticity. My personal Bible study has further strengthened this, ensuring that my healing aligns with my spiritual values and bringing me confidence, inner peace, and safety.

While the pain of separation was real, it also built in me a resilience I might not have otherwise discovered. I learned that I could survive loss, navigate difficult emotions, and still find joy and connection. My journey has shown me that healing is not about waiting for others to change but about stepping into my own sense of self and creating a life aligned with my personal and spiritual values.

One of the greatest gifts of all this awareness and growth has been the realization that family is not solely defined by blood. (Psalm 27:10*) I have found deep, meaningful connections with people who see and accept me fully. These relationships, built on mutual respect and understanding, have shown me how it feels to be truly supported and loved unconditionally.

If you have found yourself in a similar situation, know that you are not alone. It is natural to long for connection and understanding from those we were raised with, but healing does not require their validation. You learn to validate yourself. Your journey is your own, and it holds infinite possibilities beyond the past. You were not meant to shrink yourself to fit into a space that does not allow for your truth. You were meant to grow, heal, and let your light shine, not to hide your gifts under a basket.

I invite you to see your experience as the family scapegoat, not as a one of rejection but as an opportunity for profound healing and transformation. And if you need support along the way, know that there are others who see you, hear you, and walk this path alongside you.

This blog highlights the blessings that come from being the scapegoat—freedom, clarity, healing, and deeper connections.

*Until recently I have resisted religious language as I know that many childhood trauma survivors have had religion and misquoted/misapplied scripture used against them. Please know that I understand. In this blog, the sharing of divine quotes is in ways that support, encourage, and validate, not to shame or judge.

Those who lack empathy don’t like it when what they’ve done is brought up again and again, while you work through the trauma they caused. They expect you to move on. Even IF they apologized they expect you to move on. They often get impatient and even angry if you continue to have feelings about the pain and betrayal they’ve put you through, the hurt they caused. They think you’re “still making a big deal” out of nothing. 

 Their response shows they lack empathy. They have a character flaw. 

 The reality is, they moved on the moment they traumatized you. And often they think there is nothing to move on from. Their ease of moving on exists because they lack of empathy and compassion. It’s not you who has a problem. 

 Don’t let them gaslight you into believing that what they did was not a big deal. You matter and your feelings matter so what they did IS a big deal. 

Six years ago I began the hardest season of my life — of working through my childhood trauma.

In the early stages of the trauma healing process I learned what I could about the impact of various abuses so that I understood the nuances of victimhood that overpowered my life. I shared things as I connected the dots of my past. Naming what I witnessed and experienced is really important for healing. Eventually I would witness the shame, blame, unworthiness, unlovableness and powerlessness that, for the longest time dominated my life, being detoxed. Over time I’m feeling less burdened, more hopeful, more free.

I made the choice to do this publicly. The main reason being because I felt so alone in my pain that I wanted to do what I could to ensure others who were equally suffering didn’t feel that same pain of emotional abandonment.

Abuse survivors need to be believed, validated and supported. Each one has unique circumstances that caused their traumas. When people wrote supportive comments, it helped me feel less alone and that I mattered — all things that truly help with the healing. Interpersonal trauma needs healthy relationships to heal. I could see and feel I wasn’t alone. I thank you. 🤗

Putting myself out there, in hopes of supporting others, validating them through sharing what I’ve learned, also made me a target for misjudgment, criticism, false accusations (emotional abuse) and the like. Even with this, it has been worth it. I am not ashamed of my past. In fact, all of it is what makes me, me.

Women approached me and said that they read my posts, and even though they don’t comment, they really appreciated what I shared. Others said, they aren’t ready to share their abuse stories but my words really help them. They felt validated. Others have said that I am literally an answer to their prayers.

“If I can help just one person.”

The environment I grew up in didn’t feel warm and loving. It seemed that more energy was put into punishing a mistake than teaching how to do things better or think through a problem to make wise decisions. I thought that punishment was discipline, but, this is an untruth. Discipline involves teaching, educating, explaining, and conversations that include the mind and heart. Punishment is intending to make the other “feel” bad (shame) for making a mistake so hopefully they’ll “learn” to be better – all without being shown or taught how. No one thrives in constant criticism.

This mindset was very common in society during the area of my formative years. And now, decades later, sociologists and behaviorists see how damaging a shame-based upbringing is.

When there is a type of shame-based upbringing, blended with an emotionally vacant environment, the outcome is dysfunction at its best. At worst, it becomes a foundation for building narcissists, mental health and social disorders, addictions and other maladaptive coping strategies. Why? Because we are created for connection. Treatment as described above does not endear one to another; it separates and isolates instead. Shame makes one withdraw, hide. The feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, pain, frustration, powerlessness, etc., are too great for any child to manage so numbing out is usually the coping strategy of choice. Life must carry on, right?

As I continue my trauma recovery journey, insights like the above add clarity as to why I am the way I am, or rather, why I was the way I was. This, in turn, supports the growth of self-worth and self-acceptance. Growing up never feeling loved, accepted, and wanted does a number on a person’s self-worth. It is a relief to grasp that all these limiting beliefs are temporary because new neural pathways are being made and new healthy beliefs are being established and becoming entrenched.

I look back with a twinge of sadness – how sad it is to live with a critical mindset — how much joy and connections people miss out on because of unhealthy mindsets.

When healing happens, there are glimmers of hope, freedom from the shackles of abuse, and sacred periods of time that are full of authenticity and joy. All the painful work needed to heal, makes it completely worthwhile.

My wish for you is to experience these good feelings of joy, connection, and authenticity. And that they increase in duration to where these become your “normal.”

There is a blog I previously wrote on Grooming behaviours. I created a webinar on Grooming and have now written a book on the topic. The book is entitled, Identifying The Wolf, Shedding Light on the Grooming Behaviours of Sexual Predators.

With my own healing journey, I came to realize that there isn’t a book written for the average person that sheds light on the unique behaviour that sexual predators employ.

For decades, we heard and read about “the scary guy who wears a tan trench coat that tries to lure kids into his van.” The reality is, these types of predators aren’t that common. The Center for Disease Control now says that 93% of sexual offenders are known to their victims. Stranger Danger is not as common as the danger that lives right in our own homes, or our schools, churches, daycares, clubs, organizations, and the like. It’s the people who hide in plain sight – these are the ones who pose the most threat.

But how do we know who these people are? What do we need to look for? How can I protect myself and my family? All of which are great questions.

This is why I wrote my book. 

Luring children into doing sexual acts isn’t the only type of Grooming that these predators and abusive people do. They also groom their targets’ families, their circle of friends, perhaps neighbours, congregation, and so on. They want to maintain control.

Their greatest fear is if their victim tells. If that happens, the predator has a plethora of tricks to utilize to keep their victims silent or not believed. This means other Grooming tactics are utilized.

Educating yourself on how these sexual predators Groom before, during and after the abuse will help protect yourself and your loved ones.

I invite you to learn about these various tactics and behaviours. Therefore, a purchasing link for my book will be posted shortly.  

Perhaps you’ve heard the term scapegoat or scapegoating before.

After learning more about it — and from personal experience — I’m sharing what I found.

When it comes to family dynamics, scapegoating is a form of emotional abuse. A scapegoat is a person who is blamed or punished for the family issues/problems. Being the scapegoat can be torturous. Scapegoating helps family members retain the desired image of themselves  to avoid looking at their contribution to the family dysfunction. It is done as an avoidance tactic. It’s Denial with a capital D.

It stems from an unwillingness to see a similar fault or imperfection in self, so the unpleasant feelings evoked get projected onto another. Chances are the scapegoat is the family barometer, and is probably doing the repair work necessary to overcome the dysfunction. This is the one saying in effect, Look, there is a festering wound here, and we need to get this cleaned up before it gets worse.

Those who scapegoat choose targets that feel safe to blame. They perceive their victims as having less power. Scapegoating is irrational. It is a form of Grooming – mental manipulation. It is one way of blaming others. 

Feeling Shame

No one likes to feel shame and those who scapegoat carry shame and fear. They do shame-transference / deflecting by pointing fingers hoping that people won’t see their flaws – their shame. Unfortunately, doing this impedes their own emotional growth work. 

The thing is… the dysfunction in the family started way before the scapegoat target was born.

Some scapegoating phrases are:

• She just wants to cause trouble.
• He just wants attention.
• She has a rule-or-ruin attitude.
• It’s always something with them.
• Why do you keep stirring the pot?
• You’re the problem! S/he’s the problem!

The reality is that every single one of us is imperfect. Let’s face it – all families experience some unhealthiness or dysfunction. However, the families that are close and strong are the ones who are respectful of each other. They are accepting and manifest unconditional love. They are open and honest and ensure there is a sense of psychological and emotional safety for all to be vulnerable whenever they feel the need to share any struggles they are going through. They hold a safe space for each other. While imperfect, they’re willing to make family relationships work.

Scapegoating families are the opposite. They don’t seem to grow to emotional maturity. Instead they cast blame, finger point, use sarcasm, bully, guilt-trip, make fun of, lack respect and humility, and live emotionally disconnected.

Unsavory truths about ourselves can require a counselor’s insight.  When people mine their reasons for scapegoating and deflecting, they might be able to heal some of their well-covered wounds and become more conscious of who they are. If the scapegoater embraces this awareness, they can grow. 

Owning our imperfections is better than letting the imperfections own us.

Forgiveness and letting go is a hard pill to swallow for nearly all childhood trauma survivors. When this topic is broached too early in the healing process, it can cause a trauma response, terror, tears, fighting, fleeing, or shut down. 

Let’s face it, there is more pressure put upon the victims who are at the receiving end of mistreatment or abuse instead of the perpetrator of such. Why is that? Why isn’t there more pressure put upon the one who harmed? Shouldn’t the perpetrator – this person be accountable, own up to what they did, express remorse and offer a way to make amends?

All that said, I’ve noticed in my own healing journey, being able to “let go” of the emotional suffering that resulted from the inflicted pain takes time. 

“Forgiveness,” although a simple word, is a complicated concept. A UCLA psychiatrist, Dr. Stephen Marmer, distinguished three types of forgiveness:

1.  Release
   Common circumstances where Release fits:
   -No Acknowledgement of Hurt
   -Obviously Insincere Apology
   -No Reparation or Amends Attempted

Release does not exonerate the offender. It allows you to let go of the burdens that are weighing you down and eating away at your chance for happiness. You will not be allowing the one who hurt you to live rent-free in your mind, reliving forever the persecution that the original incident started. 

1. Forbearance
   When the relationship matters to you. Common circumstances where Forbearance fits:
   -Partial Apology
   -Inauthentic Apology
   -Apology Mingled with Blame

Forbearance requires understanding, tolerance and self-restraint. This is where you cease dwelling on the offense, and do away with grudges and fantasies of revenge, and you retain a degree of watchfulness. 

1. Exoneration
   Common circumstances where exoneration fits:
   -Genuine Accident
   -Unintentional Hurt
   -Responsible, Remorseful & Reparative

Exoneration is wiping the slate entirely clean and restoring the relationship to its original state. For many abuse survivors, this state is next to impossible. Rarely if ever can the relationship return to it’s pre-violated and pre betrayal state.

Even with these stages or styles of forgiveness, coming to this place in the healing recovery journey, happens towards the end of the healing process. It is at the caboose of “ride.”

There is no timeline to follow on what or how an abuse survivor can or should forgive. Everyone heals in their own time. Healing cannot be forced either. It is respectful and “baby step” process.

The word, forgiveness, can still bother me at times. It depends on who speaks of it and what the topic is. I know in my heart that God doesn’t forgive those who are unrepentant, so He would never ask something from me that He doesn’t do himself. Knowing this brings me inner peace.

And I wish you inner peace. 

Before we get started 😊 —Let’s be clear on the meaning of various words.

Siblings are identified as full siblings, half-siblings, step-siblings, foster siblings, cousins, and anyone who lives with or is an integral part of the family of origin.  

Abuse is defined as cruel or violent treatment.

WHO’s (World Health Organization) definition of Violence-

“the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either result in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation.”

Some things about memories – 

1. 1. Each family member will have their own memories from childhood. This blog is based on mine.
   2. Neuroscience shows that specific memories of traumatic events stay with the individual; they are static – they do not morph over time, nor are they influenced like other memories. 

• Traumatic memories are not only in pictures; sometimes, they manifest as emotional flashbacks held in the nervous system. [Peter Levine, Traumatic Memory; Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score]

This blog aims to affirm how common sibling abuse is (easily mislabeled as sibling rivalry) so that others who’ve experienced similar things can identify what happened to them and appreciate they are not alone. It is not about finger-pointing or shaming certain individuals. (If reading this is upsetting or triggering, then perhaps take some time to look inward and find out what’s going on inside – what’s behind it and reach out for mental health or emotional support.)

It is important to appreciate that what is considered harmful, traumatic, etc., must come from the one who received the action, not the perpetrator of them. It’s the receiver who has been severely impacted physically, emotionally, and spiritually, not the other way around. Neither the perpetrator nor anyone else has the right to define what is abusive or causes trauma. 

Nobody wants to believe that what they went through is called “abuse” or that it came from their own flesh and blood, nor that they were complicit or participated in it. It is a very hard pill to swallow. No one wants to believe “this” happened in their family. No one wants to see themselves as an abusive person. In some families, the behaviour that caused trauma may not have been intentional or malicious. Regardless, there was an intent to make the action, and the receiver was greatly wounded. And this is what the focus must be on.

From birth onward, children need plenty of emotional support so they can return to homeostasis – the feeling of safety and security — following (a) terrifying event(s). Incidents or circumstances become traumatic when sufficient comfort and consolation are not provided. Babies, toddlers, and young children cannot comfort themselves healthfully without being taught or shown how. This emotional neglect, while perhaps unintentional, causes further wounding. It contributes to the formation of Developmental and or Complex Trauma.

Some Traumatizing Experiences 

I endured life-changing events by the time I was seven years old. I was physically hurt (pushed, resulting in a broken foot, lye blown into my eyes), terrorized (hung upside down out a 2nd story window), sexually abused, and objectified – by “siblings”, individuals living under the same roof. 

We all know that kids “pick on each other and name-call” from time to time. But when there is a request for the mistreatment to stop, and it doesn’t – it becomes abusive; when there is a sense of power over another – it becomes abusive. I was nicknamed after a dog for years, and my request that it stop wasn’t respected; it was purposely demeaning. I was punched in the arms until they went limp. Again, my requests were ignored. I was told I was making a big deal out of nothing. Clearly, my feelings didn’t matter. Growing up and living in a disrespectful and “unsafe” environment made living too painful. I hated my life. No wonder I attempted to end it when I was 15! Life sucked!

Jumping ahead about 13/14 years, D. and I confronted the sibling who sexually assaulted me. He said he remembered. He looked at me and said, I can’t believe you’re still upset over this. Then he went on to tell me about hanging me outside a second-story window. (I would have been around 2-3 years old when he did that) There are no words for such ignorant callousness. The other sibling who sexually abused me has since passed away.

Were these acts intentional? Yes, each sibling made a choice to initiate. Were they intended to cause harm? I don’t know, and does it really matter? What I know is that what I experienced caused indescribable suffering and undeserving  harm. These behaviours weren’t a joke. None of this was harmless fun, or painless. They all caused trauma. To this day, I suffer ill effects from them.

A few years back (2018), the abuser-brother (window, sexual) out of the blue asked me if I had been talking to people about what he did to me. He then started to religiously (using misapplied scripture to guilt-trip and control) abuse. He wanted me to be silent and to control the narrative (aka post-abuse grooming). Interestingly, he didn’t deny…. then.

A New Form of Abuse

Within days of that last incident, I went to the police to have what he did documented. (It was there that the constable said his behaviour was called Sexual Assault. Until then, I thought it was “molestation”). He didn’t deny it when the constable spoke with him, and he didn’t deny it in emails to me. Several months later, I disclosed the sexual assault to the rest of my biological family. Shortly after this, when they asked him about it, suddenly he couldn’t remember. Selective amnesia and denial became his new form of abuse and manipulation. The support I hoped for didn’t happen. Instead, there’s been lying, emotional abandonment, judgment, willful ignorance, and  DARVO behaviour. I have been told right to my face that what I feel is not true, that I am exaggerating, that I am twisting things around, and that I am blowing things out of proportion – all of which are gaslighting, deflection, and projection. I’ve been scapegoated. This sibling wrote in classic DARVO speak, why should I have to pay the rest of my life for one non-malicious act?   I think, really? There are no words. 

Sexual abuse alone is life-altering. Another layer of trauma is added when it’s from a sibling, causing deeper pain, confusion, and suffering. Boundaries are crossed. If the sexual abuse comes with physical and emotional abuse too, more psychological and emotional injuries result. Then, if/when the survivor tells what happened, and the abuser and those he’s influenced do the DARVO dance, there’s even further wounding. The amount of trauma generated is immeasurable, and it isn’t just the victim who suffers – the victim’s children and partner suffer too. 

The Impact 

Within weeks of the 2018 incident, the allostatic load of all this trauma and more led to a serious health crisis. Life as I knew it stopped. It became apparent my healing journey involves healing from Developmental Trauma, Complex Trauma, and PTSD. My children need healing and comfort too. They along with my husband have “paid” a great price.

In Conclusion:

Secrets are a devastating weight for a little girl to carry. For fifty years I carried it, protecting my family of origin from the truth. The thing is – these were never my secrets to keep. It was never my job to protect. I should have been the one protected, kept safe. Abuse teaches lies about who you are, the world, and your place in it. These then impact health and well-being, and relationships long-term. It takes years to recover. Make no mistake, the sibling sexual assault has ripple effects. The minute he touched me, the dysfunction was evident.

Today, I am not angry at those who caused trauma. I know they were minors too, kids. I don’t see most of them as abusive people – I can easily separate a person from behaviour. I’ve “let go” of the hurt sustained from the choices they made back then. However, as adults today, I look for emotional maturity – ownership and accountability, honesty, humility, compassion, remorse, and a willingness to have difficult conversations. Without these, there is a weak foundation for relationship repair. I will no longer pretend that traumatizing things didn’t happen to me so that others can stay living in “make-believe”.

Truth: Globally, one in twenty kids is sexually abused by a sibling – that’s one in every classroom. Minors sexually abusing minors is the most common form of sexual abuse. The numbers will only increase with access to porn at younger ages now, including sibling porn. Unfortunately, sibling abuse has been hidden or considered harmless “kids-will-be-kids” behaviour for far too long, and society is reaping what it has sown.

Truth: Siblings do abuse. 

Not talking about the elephant in the room keeps the toxic shame and disconnection alive. Secrets literally make you sick. Transparency heals.

If you or someone you know endured sibling sexual abuse or is a perpetrator, here are some online resources to explore,  5Waves  and  Sibling Sexual Trauma. These provide education, statistics, and support for all family members.

As a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, I’m here too, offering support and a safe space. Your healing journey begins when you’re ready.

Lisa Hilton, CTRC-A

Why do I blog? Well, the short answer is because it is part of what I need to do to heal from childhood trauma. Telling is healing. 

There is also a need to use my voice. Not sure how, but I got the message in my life that what I have to say is not important. It could have stemmed from the abuse itself, or a combination of things. Regardless, the only place where I felt listened to was at the religious meetings I attended. 

Now that I have developed some self-worth and gotten rid of a lot of unwarranted shame, it is easier for me to be in a group and speak up. However, it is still not super easy for me – not like water running off a duck’s back. It takes conscious effort for an introvert like me to behave as an extrovert from time to time.

Some of the childhood trauma impacted the way I can regulate my emotions and how I think on my feet. Writing my thoughts and feelings down makes it better for me to process things and figure things out as the words are being released through my fingers. I am able to edit, backspace and rethink my words.

Many abuse survivors feel voiceless and powerless. By choosing to put my feelings, thoughts, and experiences onto paper, hopefully, this can be an avenue for those who haven’t found their voice yet. 

Validation is necessary for trauma recovery. Writing of my experiences and about what I’ve learned in my own healing journey provides needed validation – for me and hopefully, the readers.

Not everything I share is a personal experience. Sometimes it’s about what I’ve learned and researched. Sharing what has been learned is important to me. Sharing is caring. 😊

There may be vernacular that is not understood by the reader. If this is the case with you, please feel free to look the word up to ensure it is understood in the proper context. Some words mean different things to different people. If in doubt, please ask. 😊

My blogs are my opinions and if any of them cause a reaction inside of you, I suggest getting curious and asking yourself why. Triggers are a good thing. They reveal what needs more work. There is no shame-throwing intended. That is not my thing. If there is some shame that has arisen or anger or embarrassment, then please dig deep and find out where this is coming from inside you. Old habits die hard so it takes concerted effort to figure oneself out, process feelings, detox from them and then let them go. Healing takes courage.

I love what Winston Churchill said:  It takes courage to stand up and speak. It takes courage to sit down and listen. And if we’re self aware – we know this is truth. 

As I follow my trauma recovery journey I’ve come to see that I had control issues with certain people, and I think it showed up a lot in raising my sons.

I was scared nearly all the time. Not long after I was pregnant with my second son, my husband became unemployed. We had to relocate to a more affordable city and relinquish our mini van to the bank. We couldn’t afford the payments. Life became very ….. unsure….And the ability to trust became even weaker.

I always wanted to be a good, attentive and hands-on mom. I had envisioned how I’d be, how I’d show up, how much I’d engage and be attentive, be positive and encouraging and help them grow, blossom and reach their full potential.

Little did I know….. Little did I know…..little did I know how much my childhood experiences did and would impact me in  how I’d mother my sons.

I didn’t trust myself so how could I trust others. I was the helicopter parent at times and other times I didn’t have the language to speak about things without becoming hard-lined, stubborn and even bullying. As they got older and especially after we took in a niece and nephew that went into foster care….that I could see that I no longer could balance it all. I felt I was doing it on my own…. Because I hadn’t learned how to ask for help without it coming back to bite me. It seemed the harder I tried, the more things- the important things- slipped through my fingers. I didn’t feel safe enough to ask for help or accept some help graciously. And I didn’t really know that I needed help with my childhood trauma symptoms that were causing me to unravel.

Child abuse and neglect taught me to just buckle up, work hard, do whatever you can to make others happy and make sacrifices. I was pretty good at Fawning.

There were several inner critics that scolded me and criticized me for not being and doing better.

And this harshness transferred onto my sons at times, when I was totally overwhelmed and didn’t know it. I know I did the best I knew how. I was a good cook and learned how to work hard and manage a house fairly successfully.

Years later….

Thankfully, as I’ve healed, I’ve gotten much more gentle, compassionate, and understanding with myself and this shows up now in social interactions and my interpersonal skills.

It’s OK if people look at things, life, etc.,  differently than me. It’s OK to “hand the reigns over” and let others choose and take the lead. Now I can trust myself and others a lot more than I ever have.

It feels so freeing! I didn’t realize that by not trusting I was carrying so much unnecessary worry and self judgement!

It’s OK to make mistakes. It’s OK to fail. It’s OK because everyone does, so I’m not unusually damaged, defective or bad– all lies the abuse and neglect told me. Actually I’m pretty normal.

I’ve learned that it’s “healthy’ to not control so much. Hand things over to others, when possible, and things WILL work out as they should.

And I have two amazing sons (men) who’ve married well. They are thoughtful, kind and care about others.

I guess I did a pretty good job overall.