Now that I have relocated to be closer to my sons and their families, it puts me close to where I grew up. This means old memories are surfacing and I am processing more. That’s OK. This always helps me gain more clarity and supports the ongoing healing and growth process. Lately I’ve been thinking about Machiavellianism because, like most CPTSD survivors, I look for information that explains who people are and why they do what they do. In identifying behaviours and their impact, it helps me have clarity on what is “mine” and what isn’t.
The following is what I’ve seen in the one who sexually assaulted me – with his self-centered schemes to deflect and avoid accountability after disclosure.
- Manipulation & Deceit: Use of charm, lies, and calculated strategies to influence others for personal gain.
- Lack of Empathy/Emotion: Emotional detached, prioritizing self-interest over moral constraints or feelings of others.
- Long-Term Strategy: Unlike impulsive psychopaths, Machiavellian individuals are patient, methodical planners, manipulative.
While I’ve mentioned these strategies previously it now feels right to put them under one umbrella.
So, from this lens I write this blog – to share my experience, shedding light on certain behaviours and offering the reader the opportunity to see if this is something that you too are dealing with. Disclaimer – I am not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist. I cannot and do not diagnose.
That said, I do know what I experienced and what I saw and heard. As the saying goes: You have to name it to tame it.
When I finally found the words to speak of the sexual abuse, I didn't find a path to justice; I found a complex, Machiavellian system designed to ensure my silence. I’ve come to realize that for a calculated manipulator, the original act of sexual assault was only the first violation. The Second Assault is the post-abuse grooming: the systematic management of the narrative to protect his reputation at the cost of mine. I learned to see the machinery of this for what it is. By naming these tactics, I take back the power he tried to bury.
1. The Weaponization of Spirit
In our family, faith was the highest currency, so it was the first thing he weaponized. He told me, God won't forgive you if you don't forgive me. He was insinuating that If I were truly spiritual, I would let this go.
Not only is this ignorance talking – It is also the Weaponization of Faith and Forgiveness. It creates a moral injury, making you feel like a spiritual failure and ashamed for having normal human reactions to trauma. Therefore, I learned that forgiveness is not a gag order. Forgiveness takes time. It is a gradual internal release of the trauma for my own healing and recovery; it is not a legal contract that wipes away the past. Using God to silence a victim is the very definition of taking a holy name in vain.
2. The Spiritual Cage
He didn't stop at forgiveness. He used High-stakes Leverage, suggesting that speaking the truth would jeopardize my salvation or my chance to see my father again in the resurrection. He turned speaking about my trauma into a threat to my eternal future. He misapplied scripture and implied that telling my story is malicious gossip, divisive, and unchristian.
And yet, truth is a requirement for peace – for salvation. No spiritual system based on truth can require a lie to function. If a family’s hope of preservation is built on the silence of a victim, that hope is fragile and false. The Truth is more important than reputation.
3. The Performance of the "Pseudo-Saint (Good Guy)"
There was an incident where he tried to be the picture of Christ-like concern. He shouted, "I still love you!" in front of witnesses and spoke with calm concern for me and my future salvation. This Pseudo-Saint Performance is designed to win the PR war, that’s it. I didn’t buy it for one second.
Performance is not repentance. A truly repentant person does not bellow their love for an audience; they listen privately, own their choices, accept the consequences, and prove they are deeply sorry. His spoken “love” was just a tool for social dominance; it was done for appearances’ sake only.
4. Semantic Distortion and Tactical Amnesia
When he couldn't play the good guy, he played the "I don’t remember” card. He renamed predatory acts as non-malicious, using Semantic Distortion to try to make me feel my trauma was overblown. When cornered, he would retreat into Tactical Amnesia, claiming he didn't remember. I know he remembers everything he did.
The fact that he nodded his head when I asked if he remembered and then said, I'm surprised this still bothers you, proves his amnesia was a strategic choice. Calling a crime a "non-malicious act" or a "mistake" is just a Machiavellian attempt to redefine reality. Intent does not trump impact.
5. The "Exacting" Family Standard
And that’s not all he did in trying to silence me. He said, You're abusing our Mother by bringing this up. This weaponization of the mother casts me as the black sheep and the disruptor of family harmony. It’s also part of the “Attack” part of the DARVO playbook, trying to make me the villain.
It didn’t take long to acknowledge: The secret is the poison, not the truth. Telling the truth isn't what hurt the family; the original act is what hurt the family. Shifting the blame to the messenger is just a diversion to keep the spotlight off the perpetrator.
What he did to me was equal to having a bomb explode in the family. Right then and there, decades ago, the dysfunction was evident. And all these years I kept it hidden because I was protecting myself and the rest of the family from the truth. Doing so nearly killed me.
It is no longer my secret to carry.
Reclaiming the Reality
What I’ve learned is that a Machiavellian doesn't need to prove you are a liar; they only need to create enough "gray area" that people feel comfortable doing nothing. They rely on the above strategies and more to keep from being held accountable – to run away from their own shame.
I realized that the gaslighting, the isolation, and the crushing family pressure weren't reflections of my worth—they were parts of a machine designed to protect a coward and the family’s reputation. The complexity of his lies is not a sign of his strength; it is a testament to how terrified he is of my voice.
I stopped trying to convince the people he had groomed. I stopped hoping that those who hurt and abandoned me would help heal me. I realized that if someone is more invested in a comfortable lie than an uncomfortable truth, they aren't safe harbour for my story anyway. My healing started when I stepped out of his architecture and started building my own.
His selfish recklessness treated a child, his little sister, like a sexual experimental toy, but I am a soul, not a toy. My spirit isn't gone—it was just forced into hiding for protection. Reclaiming my narrative is the first step in bringing that child-self back into the light.
I have spent a lifetime being a character in a script I didn't write, playing a role designed to protect a coward and other people’s feelings. No more! I am no longer seeking a 'verdict' from a jury that was groomed to doubt me. I am the Narrator now. I am the Curator and Creator of my own story. And in this story, the truth is no longer a secret to be kept—it is the ground I stand on.
Are you like me in that you’ve spent countless hours, weeks, years trying to figure out what’s wrong with you? You know something’s off and while it takes a long time to identify it. The brain fog is such a struggle.
Recalling the words spoken to me by someone who loved me, he said: “People don’t just like you, the want to BE you!”
I couldn’t “get it” back then. No matter how hard I tried, there was a block. Finally, I do now, today. It’s been over 7 years of focused trauma recovery work. What a journey that has been!
I have crossed over that line where I can finally FEEL my worth.
Not seeing my value, my worth, held me back sooo much in my life. It’s painful to look back and see how much it did. How sad – I didn’t grasp opportunities what would have put my life on completely different trajectories both professionally and personally. Not that I regret who I am today – I’m simply curious about that part.
Even while raising my family, low self-worth impacted so much. I held myself back. I didn’t see how valuable I was and am in my sons’ lives. I couldn’t see how much I brought to their world and how much they loved and needed me, how much they appreciated me. Oh, I knew the value of motherhood cerebrally, but to feel that value inside, my value….that is something totally different.
And now I weep a little; weep as the realization of how much I failed to emotionally support my children as much as I wanted to, because I just didn’t see my worth. I was blocked from doing so. And admittedly, there is a bit of anger there for all the lost moments, for what I missed celebrating as a mom, for not being able to be fully present, no matter how much I wanted to be from the get to.
I was shy even towards my kids. I couldn’t be authentic, I didn’t know how. I had a hard time making eye contact – and that has shame written all over it.
What helped remove this block are trauma recovery strategies. These include doing TIM (Trauma Informed Movement) created by fellow CPTSD coach Linda Meredith, coupled with deeper journalling and line writing of affirmations. I also increased my spiritual/religious activities, intensely focusing on letting God’s love into my heart and letting that truly BE. I kept reminding myself that since God believes I am a precious daughter of his, then I must be! Who am I to call my heavenly Father wrong?!
In time, the intense desire to be with my kids resurfaced. (the longing for connection had disappeared while I was battling the demons of childhood trauma.)
It is so exciting to have broken through this barrier and to feel freer than I have ever felt!
Trauma recovery is long and arduous work. Nevertheless, it is so worth it. I am worth it! And so are you.
Ah, my confidence is growing. My trauma recovery journey has hit a milestone. When looking back we see that bit by bit, we take back our power, we connect to the little one who was so wounded and help her come out of the shadows and let her light shine. We help her feel safe, loved, and valued. Her and I get to taste that God is good, that we can live life shackle free, as He intended. It feels so good to let go of an abuse-based lie that I had been living under all these decades.
Yes, it was oppression, degradation, gaslighting, shame, unworthiness, powerlessness, and more. Each time we childhood trauma survivors shed another layer, we feel lighter, smile brighter, we stand up taller, we make eye contact without shame, and we smile more. We appreciate who we are and love ourselves healthfully.
After six plus years of trauma recovery more realizations are forthcoming. 🙂
For many years, I carried the deep pain of being distanced from my family of origin after disclosing the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of one of my brothers. The rejection I felt was profound, and I grieved not only the loss of my family but also the dream that we could acknowledge and heal together. Over time, though, I came to see an unexpected gift in this experience: the freedom to heal, grow, and become the person I always wanted to be. I have come to see there are blessings of being the black sheep and or scapegoat.
I know this happens in many families. Mine is not unique. In families that struggle with unresolved pain and silence, those who acknowledge the truth can become outsiders. At first, this felt like abandonment. But with time, I realized that distancing myself from an environment that resisted open curious discussion allowed me to begin healing in a way that wouldn’t have been possible if I had stayed. The distance gave me space to see things more clearly and to prioritize my well-being.
Many families operate under the belief that if a problem is ignored long enough, it will disappear. This is not out of malice but often stems from fear and deeply ingrained survival patterns. I have come to understand that my family of origin carries intergenerational shame, much of it unspoken and unconscious. The unwillingness to be vulnerable or curious reflects this burden, one I don’t think they even realize they are carrying.
Experiencing childhood trauma made me different. I used to hate that but now I embrace it. One of the ways I’ve been different – I see the value of talking things through. I’m willing to have the difficult conversations with like-minded individuals. I’d rather resolve issues than point fingers or assign blame (the straw and rafter principle). Conversations and relationship repair is about just that – repair and resolution. It is not about winning the argument. I have learned to take responsibility for my part in misunderstandings, even when others are unwilling or unable to do the same. I can’t make people be open to different perspectives. I can’t make people care. I can’t make people “see.” After learning about the far-reaching tentacles of shame, I now see shame has a lot to do with behaviour and choices – making it difficult to admit one’s own weaknesses and failures, even though every human being has them. My family is just like any other; we are not special or different in this regard.
Doing my childhood trauma healing has required a large measure of humility. I have had to acknowledge where I was wounded, where I needed to grow, and where I needed to extend grace—to myself and to others. True healing isn’t about proving I was right or waiting for others to change; it’s about doing the internal work necessary to free myself from the patterns of traumatic pain that once defined me. This process has been humbling, but it has also been deeply empowering.
Separation gave me the opportunity to reflect in ways I hadn’t before. I learned to trust my emotions, recognize patterns in my own behaviour, and break free from cycles of self-doubt. Without the external pressure to conform to my family’s way of coping, I embraced my own perspective and deepened my emotional intelligence. I’ve learned to name what I’ve experienced and name what I see and it’s necessary for mental and emotional clarity.
Choosing to heal meant approaching life differently than some generations had. It meant refusing to ignore painful realities for the sake of appearances. It meant committing to self-awareness and emotional honesty, even when it was uncomfortable, even painful. By doing this, I’ve been able to cultivate relationships based on openness and mutual respect—ones that feel authentic and fulfilling rather than strained by unspoken truths. This is part of the joy and confidence I feel now.
When a family relies on avoidance to maintain harmony, those who seek acknowledgment can feel out of place. For a long time, I struggled with self-doubt, wondering if I was wrong to want honesty and accountability and validation. But through my healing, I’ve learned that trusting my instincts and valuing my truth are not flaws—they are strengths. Setting boundaries that honour my well-being has deepened my self-trust and authenticity. My personal Bible study has further strengthened this, ensuring that my healing aligns with my spiritual values and bringing me confidence, inner peace, and safety.
While the pain of separation was real, it also built in me a resilience I might not have otherwise discovered. I learned that I could survive loss, navigate difficult emotions, and still find joy and connection. My journey has shown me that healing is not about waiting for others to change but about stepping into my own sense of self and creating a life aligned with my personal and spiritual values.
One of the greatest gifts of all this awareness and growth has been the realization that family is not solely defined by blood. (Psalm 27:10*) I have found deep, meaningful connections with people who see and accept me fully. These relationships, built on mutual respect and understanding, have shown me how it feels to be truly supported and loved unconditionally.
If you have found yourself in a similar situation, know that you are not alone. It is natural to long for connection and understanding from those we were raised with, but healing does not require their validation. You learn to validate yourself. Your journey is your own, and it holds infinite possibilities beyond the past. You were not meant to shrink yourself to fit into a space that does not allow for your truth. You were meant to grow, heal, and let your light shine, not to hide your gifts under a basket.
I invite you to see your experience as the family scapegoat, not as a one of rejection but as an opportunity for profound healing and transformation. And if you need support along the way, know that there are others who see you, hear you, and walk this path alongside you.
This blog highlights the blessings that come from being the scapegoat—freedom, clarity, healing, and deeper connections.
*Until recently I have resisted religious language as I know that many childhood trauma survivors have had religion and misquoted/misapplied scripture used against them. Please know that I understand. In this blog, the sharing of divine quotes is in ways that support, encourage, and validate, not to shame or judge.
Those who lack empathy don’t like it when what they’ve done is brought up again and again, while you work through the trauma they caused. They expect you to move on. Even IF they apologized they expect you to move on. They often get impatient and even angry if you continue to have feelings about the pain and betrayal they’ve put you through, the hurt they caused. They think you’re “still making a big deal” out of nothing.
Their response shows they lack empathy. They have a character flaw.
The reality is, they moved on the moment they traumatized you. And often they think there is nothing to move on from. Their ease of moving on exists because they lack of empathy and compassion. It’s not you who has a problem.
Don’t let them gaslight you into believing that what they did was not a big deal. You matter and your feelings matter so what they did IS a big deal.
Six years ago, I began the hardest season of my life — of working through my childhood trauma.
In the early stages of the trauma healing process, I learned what I could about the impact of various abuses so that I understood the nuances of victimhood that overpowered my life. I shared things as I connected the dots of my past. Naming what I witnessed and experienced is important for healing. Eventually I would witness the shame, blame, unworthiness, unlovableness and powerlessness that, for the longest time dominated my life, being detoxed. Over time I’m feeling less burdened, more hopeful, freer.
I made the choice to do this publicly. There are two main reasons:
1. Because I felt so alone in my pain that I wanted to do what I could to ensure others who were equally suffering didn’t feel that same pain.
2. To provide a voice for other survivors – those who don’t feel safe enough to use theirs or for those who haven’t found theirs.
Abuse survivors need to be believed, validated and supported. Each one has unique circumstances that caused their traumas.
When people wrote supportive comments, it helped me feel less alone and that I mattered — all things that truly help with the healing. Interpersonal trauma needs healthy relationships to heal. I could see and feel I wasn’t alone. I thank you. 🤗
Putting myself out there, in hopes of supporting others, validating them through sharing what I’ve learned, also made me a target for misjudgment, criticism, false accusations (emotional abuse) and the like. Even with this, it has been worth it. I am not ashamed of my past. In fact, all of it is what makes me, me.
Women approached me and said that they read my posts, and even though they don’t comment, they really appreciated what I shared. Others said, they aren’t ready to share their abuse stories but my words really help them. They felt validated. Others have said that I am literally an answer to their prayers.
“If I can help just one person.”
Did you experience an environment where you didn’t feel loved and accepted? Where it seemed that more energy was put into punishing a mistake than teaching how to do things better or think through a problem?
I thought that punishment was discipline, but this is an untruth. Discipline involves teaching, education, and explaining. It involves conversations that include the mind and heart. Punishment is used with the intention to make the other “feel” bad (shame) for making a mistake so that they’ll “learn” to be better. And without being shown or taught how.
Shaming a person into improvement does not work. No one thrives in constant criticism.
This mindset was very common post WWII. And now, decades later, sociologists and behaviorists see how damaging a shame-based upbringing is.
When there is a type of shame-based upbringing, blended with an emotionally vacant environment, the outcome is dysfunction at its best. At worst, it becomes a foundation for building narcissists, mental health and social disorders, addictions and other maladaptive coping strategies. Why?
Because we are created for connection. Treatment as described above does not endear one to another; it separates and isolates instead. Shame makes one withdraw, hide. The feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, pain, frustration, powerlessness, unlovableness, etc., are too great for any child to manage so numbing out (Freeze) is usually the coping strategy of choice.
Being in a family where this is the norm, these feelings can also morph into a Fight trauma response and sibling strife becomes common. This then can lead to sibling abuse – demeaning, mocking, harsh and even violent treatment, way beyond sibling rivalry.
As I continue my trauma recovery journey, insights like the above add clarity as to why I am the way I am, or rather, why I was the way I was. This, in turn, supports the growth of self-worth and self-acceptance. Growing up never feeling loved, accepted, and wanted does a number on a person’s self-worth. It is a relief to grasp that all these limiting beliefs are temporary because new neural pathways are being made and new healthy beliefs are being established and becoming entrenched.
I look back with a twinge of sadness – how sad it is to live with a critical mindset — how much joy and connections people miss out on because of unhealthy mindsets.
When healing happens, there are glimmers of hope, freedom from the shackles of abuse, and sacred periods of time that are full of authenticity and joy. All the work needed to heal makes it completely worthwhile.
My wish for you is to experience these good feelings of joy, connection, and authenticity. And that they increase in duration to where these become your “normal.”
There is a blog I previously wrote on Grooming behaviours. I created a webinar on Grooming and have now written a book on the topic. The book is entitled, Identifying The Wolf, Shedding Light on the Grooming Behaviours of Sexual Predators.
With my own healing journey, I came to realize that there isn’t a book written for the average person that sheds light on the unique behaviour that sexual predators employ.
For decades, we heard and read about “the scary guy who wears a tan trench coat that tries to lure kids into his van.” The reality is, these types of predators aren’t that common. The Center for Disease Control now says that 93% of sexual offenders are known to their victims. Stranger Danger is not as common as the danger that lives right in our own homes, or our schools, churches, daycares, clubs, organizations, and the like. It’s the people who hide in plain sight – these are the ones who pose the most threat.
But how do we know who these people are? What do we need to look for? How can I protect myself and my family? All of which are great questions.
This is why I wrote my book.
Luring children into doing sexual acts isn’t the only type of Grooming that these predators and abusive people do. They also groom their targets’ families, their circle of friends, perhaps neighbours, congregation, and so on. They want to maintain control.
Their greatest fear is if their victim tells. If that happens, the predator has a plethora of tricks to utilize to keep their victims silent or not believed. This means other Grooming tactics are utilized.
Educating yourself on how these sexual predators Groom before, during and after the abuse will help protect yourself and your loved ones.
I invite you to learn about these various tactics and behaviours. Therefore, a purchasing link for my book will be posted shortly.
Perhaps you’ve heard the term scapegoat or scapegoating before.
After learning more about it — and from personal experience — I’m sharing what I found.
When it comes to family dynamics, scapegoating is a form of emotional abuse. A scapegoat is a person who is blamed or punished for the family issues/problems. Being the scapegoat can be torturous. Scapegoating helps family members retain the desired image of themselves to avoid looking at their contribution to the family dysfunction. It is done as an avoidance tactic. It’s Denial with a capital D.
It stems from an unwillingness to see a similar fault or imperfection in self, so the unpleasant feelings evoked get projected onto another. Chances are the scapegoat is the family barometer, and is probably doing the repair work necessary to overcome the dysfunction. This is the one saying in effect, Look, there is a festering wound here, and we need to get this cleaned up before it gets worse.
Those who scapegoat choose targets that feel safe to blame. They perceive their victims as having less power. Scapegoating is irrational. It is a form of Grooming – mental manipulation. It is one way of blaming others.
Feeling Shame
No one likes to feel shame and those who scapegoat carry shame and fear. They do shame-transference / deflecting by pointing fingers hoping that people won’t see their flaws – their shame. Unfortunately, doing this impedes their own emotional growth work.
The thing is… the dysfunction in the family started way before the scapegoat target was born.
Some scapegoating phrases are:
- She just wants to cause trouble.
- He just wants attention.
- She has a rule-or-ruin attitude.
- It’s always something with them.
- Why do you keep stirring the pot?
- You’re the problem! S/he’s the problem!
The reality is that every single one of us is imperfect. Let’s face it – all families experience some unhealthiness or dysfunction. However, the families that are close and strong are the ones who are respectful of each other. They are accepting and manifest unconditional love. They are open and honest and ensure there is a sense of psychological and emotional safety for all to be vulnerable whenever they feel the need to share any struggles they are going through. They hold a safe space for each other. While imperfect, they’re willing to make family relationships work.
Scapegoating families are the opposite. They don’t seem to grow to emotional maturity. Instead they cast blame, finger point, use sarcasm, bully, guilt-trip, make fun of, lack respect and humility, and live emotionally disconnected.
Unsavory truths about ourselves can require a counselor’s insight. When people mine their reasons for scapegoating and deflecting, they might be able to heal some of their well-covered wounds and become more conscious of who they are. If the scapegoater embraces this awareness, they can grow.
Owning our imperfections is better than letting the imperfections own us.
Respect: to hold in high regard or esteem, admiration given by others
Boundaries are all wrapped up in respect – respect for self first and then for others. After enduring CSA [childhood sexual abuse] at an early age, obviously I felt was something ‘off’ but couldn’t quite put a finger on what ‘it’ was. I didn’t have the language to describe what I was feeling and noticing in my own body and psyche. So much of that has been blocked and locked up in memory that only now am I starting to venture into. It is a cache of not so nice memories.
I do recall, as I walked around the family home, feeling disconnected, not belonging, therefore, feeling unwanted and invisible. It makes sense that I’d not notice respect because my body wasn’t respected as being off limits to my first abuser. All of his excuses today for why he chose to do what he did, don’t matter. It makes me ill to think that he has the gall to rationalize his sexual assault. And it makes me ill to think that some sibs seem to have taken the stance that what he did wasn’t really that bad. Not a one has come to me and said they’ve held him accountable.
Clearly my emotional well being hasn’t been respected either.
So how do I learn to respect myself when I am not taught what respect looks like? So much of what we learn in life is learned through exposure – through experiential learning. I was taught obedience – Do as I say or you’ll get…. Is that respect? It doesn’t feel like it is, it feels more like coercion and oppression. Demanding compliance is not showing respect.
Learning to respect myself and grasping that I deserve respectful treatment was a big hurdle for me. At first, being treated with respect was upsetting and triggering. I didn’t know what respect looked like nor felt like. It was odd, strange, unreal.
Sad, isn’t it?
I felt like an imposter, a poser, someone who was not worthy of esteem, respect, admiration. And now, I smile, because now I KNOW what respect looks like and feels like. It’s a beautiful thing, it still feels like a gift, something new that I need to open my heart to and let sink in. I still need to consciously work at allowing the respect to marinate my being sometimes – it is so easy to sluff off and not let it land on me in the right way. Spending decades wearing armor where love and respect and admiration and devotion were seen as missiles of pain and confusion, rather than heaps of support and strength, was something that I had to unlearn and relearn
Yes, respecting self takes time and it’s well worth the work to get here.
If you struggle with accepting respect please reach out. If you are not sure how to establish and maintain boundaries, let’s see how we can work on this together.
Forgiveness and letting go is a hard pill to swallow for nearly all childhood trauma survivors. When this topic is broached too early in the healing process, it can cause a trauma response, terror, tears, fighting, fleeing, or shut down.
Let’s face it, there is more pressure put upon the victims who are at the receiving end of mistreatment or abuse instead of the perpetrator of such. Why is that? Why isn’t there more pressure put upon the one who harmed? Shouldn’t the perpetrator – this person be accountable, own up to what they did, express remorse and offer a way to make amends?
All that said, I’ve noticed in my own healing journey, being able to “let go” of the emotional suffering that resulted from the inflicted pain takes time.
“Forgiveness,” although a simple word, is a complicated concept. A UCLA psychiatrist, Dr. Stephen Marmer, distinguished three types of forgiveness:
- Release
Common circumstances where Release fits:
-No Acknowledgement of Hurt
-Obviously Insincere Apology
-No Reparation or Amends Attempted
Release does not exonerate the offender. It allows you to let go of the burdens that are weighing you down and eating away at your chance for happiness. You will not be allowing the one who hurt you to live rent-free in your mind, reliving forever the persecution that the original incident started.
- Forbearance
When the relationship matters to you. Common circumstances where Forbearance fits:
-Partial Apology
-Inauthentic Apology
-Apology Mingled with Blame
Forbearance requires understanding, tolerance and self-restraint. This is where you cease dwelling on the offense, and do away with grudges and fantasies of revenge, and you retain a degree of watchfulness.
- Exoneration
Common circumstances where exoneration fits:
-Genuine Accident
-Unintentional Hurt
-Responsible, Remorseful & Reparative
Exoneration is wiping the slate entirely clean and restoring the relationship to its original state. For many abuse survivors, this state is next to impossible. Rarely if ever can the relationship return to it’s pre-violated and pre betrayal state.
Even with these stages or styles of forgiveness, coming to this place in the healing recovery journey, happens towards the end of the healing process. It is at the caboose of “ride.”
There is no timeline to follow on what or how an abuse survivor can or should forgive. Everyone heals in their own time. Healing cannot be forced either. It is respectful and “baby step” process.
The word, forgiveness, can still bother me at times. It depends on who speaks of it and what the topic is. I know in my heart that God doesn’t forgive those who are unrepentant, so He would never ask something from me that He doesn’t do himself. Knowing this brings me inner peace.
And I wish you inner peace.
