Survivors of childhood trauma often struggle with the confusion stemming from a lack of boundaries and respect for their bodies, which is a significant challenge to overcome. Added to this there probably was an environment that lacked emotional intelligence and healthy supportive and loving conversations. These survivors usually grew up feeling devastatingly alone, even insignificant.

 

As they heal and learn to name what they experienced, the need to say out loud what happened to them is important. Telling is a vital step in trauma recovery. In telling the survivor validates themselves and reinforces that what happened to them is wrong, bad, criminal, and it should have never happened. It also sheds light on the fact that they didn’t have the emotional support needed to be safe enough; they didn’t feel loved, cared for and about, they were not protected or nurtured.

 

So, it’s not the outright abuse that scars and damages, it is also what didn’t happen for them.

 

Later if they decide to go to a therapist and begin to unravel their confusing story, and it is received with compassion, understanding and tenderness, they begin to lift their heads up. And with that, they start the journey of handing shame back onto the ones who abused and neglected.

 

If these survivors are raised as Christians or are Bible readers it can be confusing when they learn about the admonition to not gossip or spread disparaging information about others. So… what to do?  Is it wrong to go to the police?

Is it wrong to talk about what happened to you?

Is it wrong or unchristian to share your story, to share about the pain you went through and how the abuse impacted you?

Should you feel ashamed for telling?

 

Absolutely not. Your story deserves to be heard. YOU deserve and should be heard.

 

Telling IS healing. And I’ll get more personal here.

It is not gossip when you share what happened to you.

 

If the abuser(s) get upset because you’re telling what they did, that is not on you. That is their shame surfacing. It is not your responsibility to fix their feelings, to soften the blow of reality, to protect them, to ease their discomfort.

 

For some survivors, the push back from the abusers and their enablers/supports can be intense. Remember, it is not you who did wrong; it is them. They don’t like their vile deeds coming to light. Speaking out is not being disloyal, it is not gossiping, and it is certainly not unchristian. You are not “airing dirty laundry.” In fact, speaking truth is expected of Christians, covering up wrongdoing is a sin. And child abuse is not something that survivors need to “just get over, just let it go and move on.”

 

If they accuse you of gossiping or making up stories, then they are gaslighting. Be careful not to get sucked into their refusal to own their choices and behaviours. Stand true in your clarity of what was and is happening.

 

For your wellness, stick to those who believe you, who validate you, who support you, who are kind and patient and understanding. You will heal more within healthy relationships. Stay away from toxic ones – the ones who prefer to spew their shame back onto you.  These ones are too busy looking at the “straw” in your eye while ignoring the “rafter” in their own.

 

What is wrong is covering up the wrongdoing – the interpersonal crimes. If people want to heal, they need to face what happened. Name it accordingly – not sugar coat it or dismiss it as immature mistakes, especially if the perpetrator was also a minor at the time. The perpetrator(s) need to own what they did. If they are truly sorry, there would be evidence of intense remorse. There would be apologies and a proactive approach to repair the damage caused and ensure it isn’t repeated. These are signs of emotional and spiritual maturity. And the survivor also needs to face what happened, name it, and do the work necessary to heal the deep wounds (trauma) that resulted. Believe me, there are layers and layers to work through, and you CAN do the hard work – with the right support.

 

It’s true that as a survivor, you have a significant journey of healing ahead. But remember, this journey is yours to take, and it’s one that leads to a life filled with joy, meaning, and confidence. By continuing the work of trauma recovery, you’re not only healing yourself but also paving the way for healthier emotional connections with others. Every step you take is a step towards a brighter future. And always remember, you are worth every bit of effort and love you invest in yourself.

 

I am here to walk alongside you. Reach out when you’re ready to take the next step.

Have you ever felt the sting of a double standard — where someone expects grace, understanding, or respect from you, but offers little of it in return? 

Double standards don’t build connection — they create confusion, resentment, and distance.
They often show up in subtle, relational ways that are hard to name but deeply felt. 

At the root of many double standards are traits like emotional immaturity, unacknowledged pain, and sometimes, subtle narcissistic behaviors. These aren’t always dramatic or intentional — in fact, they often fly under the radar, masked as personality quirks or “just how someone is.” As licensed clinical social worker Bree Bonchay points out, these traits can quietly undermine relationships, creating imbalance and frustration. The list below reflects some of those patterns.  

You may recognize them in others — and maybe, if you’re willing to be gently honest, in yourself too. 

This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness.
Because it’s awareness — paired with honesty, humility, and integrity — that allows us to build stronger, healthier connections. 

 

  1. Grandiose, yet fragile 
  1. Can dish it out, but can’t take it 
  1. Demanding you meet their needs, but uninterested in meeting yours 
  1. Hypersensitive, yet insensitive 
  1. Oppositional, yet intolerant of opposition 
  1. Emotionally intitled, yet depriving 
  1. Quick to blame, but unwilling to accept accountability 
  1. Image conscious, but lacks self-awareness 
  1. Expects absolute loyalty, but is quick to betray others 
  1. Demands constant praise, but is very critical 

 

She labels these as “the narcissistic paradoxes of double standards.” 

 

We know that the word narcissistic is thrown around a lot these days. Unfortunately with people becoming more socially attuned we are now able to identify some of our experiences and perhaps even our own behaviours. Being imperfect, we all have a thread of what is now called narcissism inside (self-centeredness). Knowing this and doing something about it is the jam. Emotionally and spiritually mature people don’t make excuses for their imperfections. 

 

So let’s reframe her 10 into something more self-reflective. 

  1. Do I think/believe I deserve to be respected and feel hurt when I am not? 
  1. I find it easy to tease or be sarcastic yet don’t like it when I am the brunt of other’s “jokes?” 
  1. Do I want people to meet my needs but make excuses why I’m not there for others? 
  1. Am I easily offended while not being aware that I can be insensitive to other’s feelings and needs too? Perhaps being particular towards whom I show sympathy towards? 
  1. I don’t like it when people talk back, ignore what I’m saying, yet have no problem standing up for myself and calling people out on their stuff that I don’t like. 
  1. Do I expect others to respect my emotional needs yet am not sensitive to others’ needs, according to them? 
  1. Am I quick to point out the faults of and the neglects of others but don’t like to fully own my failures in the relationship? 
  1. Do I describe myself as being self-aware while downplaying my faults? 
  1. Do I expect others to not talk about me negatively while I talk about them negatively?  
  1. Do I expect to be commended and acknowledged for the good I do and the changes I’ve made but cannot seem to see the good in others or commend them for trying? 

And I’ll add 10 more. 

  1. Do I struggle with apologizing — or offer apologies that shift the blame (“I’m sorry you feel that way”) instead of taking full responsibility? 
  1. Am I more focused on how others make me feel than on how I make others feel? 
  1. Do I interrupt, dominate conversations, or steer discussions back to my experiences — especially when others are trying to share something vulnerable? 
  1. Do I secretly feel superior to others who are struggling — even if I don’t say it out loud? 
  1. Do I expect people to “just know” what I need or want, and feel resentful when they don’t? 
  1. Do I offer help or support to others with strings attached — expecting loyalty, praise, or reciprocation in return? 
  1. Am I uncomfortable when others outshine me or receive more attention, even if I don’t say anything? 
  1. Do I justify my emotional reactions but label others as “too sensitive” when they express theirs? 
  1. Do I feel a need to always be the one who’s “right” or the one who has it “worse”? 
  1. Do I struggle to genuinely celebrate others’ growth, achievements, or happiness unless I’m part of the credit? 

Closing Reflection: 

Reading this may sting a little. I get that. And it if you really want to heal, I suggest going a bit further and ask these questions to someone who knows you and is prepared to give honest, direct feedback. 

 

It’s likely that all of us, at some point, can see glimpses of ourselves in the reflections above. That’s not a reason for shame — it’s a reason for curiosity. The point isn’t to judge, but to ask:
Am I aware of these tendencies — and what am I doing to ensure they don’t quietly harm my relationships? 

Because underneath these traits — the defensiveness, the emotional distance, the harsh judgments — there are often deeper wounds:
Unhealthy self-worth. Jealousy. A sense of entitlement. Fear of vulnerability. A competitive spirit. A disconnection from our own feelings.
 

And under all of that?
Fear. Shame. Humiliation. Unworthiness. 

Sometimes these behaviors are not arrogance — they’re avoidance.
Not confidence — but protection.
Not meanness — but pain masked in control. 

When we behave this way, we may be trying to outrun the beliefs and fears we carry about ourselves. And being truly seen — flaws and all — can feel terrifying when we’ve learned to survive by hiding or controlling or when we never felt truly accepted. 

But here’s the truth:
To get to the place where it’s safe and comfortable to be seen, we must first do the tender, messy, transformative work of fully accepting ourselves — all parts.
That takes time. It takes inner rewiring. It takes ongoing nervous system support to fully recover from the wounds of childhood trauma. And as these long-standing wounds heal, we can look at ourselves honestly, admit our faults, and still love and accept ourselves as we are, without feeling shame.  

If you’ve made it to this point in the blog, you’ve already taken that first brave step toward transformation.  

I’m here if you want to go further. 

As a Trauma & Resilience Specialist, I offer safe, compassionate support for adults navigating the complex journey of healing.
Reach out. Let’s talk about where you are — and where you long to be. 

This image holds a powerful reminder of how our perceptions can be misleading. It’s a photo of rocks that, from a particular angle, appear as a person quietly sitting in water, reading a book. The visual illusion mirrors the inner landscape of trauma recovery: assumptions about appearances can lead to profound misunderstandings.

 

When I first saw this image, it resonated with a deep part of me, surfacing wounds from times when I was misjudged, or my intentions were misunderstood. I thought back to moments when, instead of being asked for clarification, conclusions were jumped to, judgments were made, and these opinions were held as “fact.” And once people believe their perception to be true, there’s often little room left for understanding, or for compassion. It can be deeply painful to feel that someone wants to believe the worst, consciously or unconsciously. Such experiences can feel like a loss, and I find myself feeling sad for those who cling to assumptions rather than seeking connection.

 

In my journey through trauma recovery, I’ve had to carefully choose a small circle of people who embody kindness, acceptance, and understanding. I no longer have the energy for criticism and judgments that stem from others’ unresolved fears and insecurities. I’ve reached a point where my healing journey cannot coexist with others’ unmet shame or the finger-pointing that often accompanies it.

 

Constructive feedback, shared gently and with care, has its place. I appreciate when people express concerns using a compassionate approach, which softens the message and shows that it comes from a place of love rather than judgment. But when criticism becomes harsh or unjust, or when accusations are made, there comes a time to draw a line.

 

There’s a unique layer of difficulty for childhood trauma survivors, who too often find themselves the target of uninformed or hurtful opinions. Unsolicited advice from those lacking trauma awareness can cause more harm than healing. Criticism, particularly when disguised as concern, can feel more like an attack than support. Childhood trauma survivors have endured enough of this throughout their lives, often internalizing it until self-compassion feels like a distant hope.

 

For years, I absorbed criticism, both from others and from myself, struggling to see my own worth. Healing has allowed me to shift the lens I use to view myself and others. With a healthy sense of self, I now recognize that harsh criticism often comes from a place of hurt and fear. While I understand the pain behind the critical mindset, I’m choosing not to expose myself to it any longer. My mental health and peace require an environment of love, respect, and acceptance.

 

Like so many trauma survivors, I hope that others can eventually open their hearts and minds, gaining the insight needed to support without judgment. For those who care for trauma survivors, I ask that you approach with humility and curiosity. Strive for a perspective based on understanding, ask questions, and be open to growth and change. Sometimes, things are not as they seem. Remember that rock formation — it reminds us that assumptions can obscure the truth.

 

Stay open, and stay curious.

 

Discrediting a person is a common behaviour from someone who feels afraid, shameful, or jealous. Sometimes it comes from sheer ignorance. To those who receive the misjudgment (discrediting) know what is being said is not true and trust that eventually the truth will come out and if the accused is innocent, they’ll be exonerated.

Childhood trauma survivors deal with discrediting often. It can come from the abuser themselves because it is a way to move the focus from them and onto the accuser. (aka Post Abuse Grooming) The intention is to cause doubt in the credibility of the accuser.

Sometimes discrediting comes from the abuser’s enablers who have believed in or were influenced by the abusers’ denial and DARVO tactics. When enablers discredit the survivor, they join the ranks of abuser because they emotionally abuse the same survivor.

Discrediting is cruel because it makes people shy away from supporting the survivor, which adds weight and length to their painful healing journey. Withholding support to a deeply wounded individual is inhumane. It is wrong and unchristian. Emotional abandonment like this is a form of emotional abuse.

Remember, it’s part of the healing process to name what happened. Naming provides essential clarity for trauma recovery. Many abuse survivors talk about what happened to them, and when they feel safe enough, name or identify the offender. We shouldn’t be shocked because abusive people hide in plain sight. They project one way to the outside world and a different way to their target – the one revealing their toxicity. Once the offender and the offence are identified, healing happens. Why? Because secrets are no longer carried by the survivor. Survivors are now able to see what happened, name it, and address it so that they can get on with the healing process and living their lives. For the record, as I write this, I have in mind sexual and physical abuse survivors.

Too often sexual abuse survivors were marinated in the dysfunction of others because their personal boundaries were crossed at an extreme level. Because of this, survivors knowing they are responsible for is not clear. Often by the time they are adults, they have been emotionally abused, psychologically manipulated, shamed, judged, guilt-tripped, discredited, demeaned, etc., to the point that they doubt themselves, who they are and usually, their own truth of what happened. Questioning their very Self is painful and for some… it can lead to the desire to unlive.

Healing involves learning to believe in your Self – trusting in your instincts, the unshakable knowledge of what happened to you, and naming it so that you know what you’re not responsible for. In doing so, you learn to trust yourself; you learn to credit yourself.

Clarity in trauma recovery can never be over-rated. This is especially so if you find yourself around people who discredit, criticize, and gaslight you. Learn to ignore these people and trust the healing process. Learn to trust You.

Childhood trauma causes medical and mental health issues. It is not something that can be ignored long term. That’s why working with a trauma-educated mental health professional who validates, listens, believes, encourages and does what they can to hold a safe, calm, yet brave space for those deeply wounded by the abuse is necessary.

 

We heal in a safe community.

I feel sorry for those who don’t understand the impact of interpersonal trauma, which is what childhood trauma is.

Doing the hard work at figuring out what has been underneath my health and social challenges has made a big difference in my life.

In the past I’ve felt frustrated and hurt that certain people didn’t bother to try to understand me and what I was going through. Now I release all this because I know it’s their choice to remain ignorant.

That said, there is no need to tolerate the misjudgments, criticism, false accusations, nor opinions based on ignorance.  And when it’s done to silence me,  this type of manipulation and bullying is even worse. While I understand this usually comes from some sort of fear and shame, that doesn’t mean I have to take it.

Why? It’s a form of emotional abuse and I will not allow myself to be abused and disrespected any more. Tolerating mistreatment is not showing loyalty to my own health and well being and it’s not showing loyalty to God. How so? God gave all of us the gift of life and free will including me. If I tolerate abuse, am I showing respect for my own gift of life – the one He gave me?

Knowing the physical damage that all abuse causes, I cannot with a clean conscience tolerate abusive speech. I will not allow my physical health to be compromised. It would be foolish for me to do so.

To restate what I said, I feel sorry for those who choose ignorance and deal treacherously with those who’ve been abused as children. God is watching and He’s listening.

I’ve come a long way in rebuilding my life and I won’t let anyone take away my joy and purpose. I choose peace.

If we consider ourselves amongst those who empathize, respect and dignify others, we interact with others with an underlying assumption that those we cross paths with are the same way. We project our own goodness onto others, assuming they’re like us.

In time we learn that nothing could be further from the truth. There are those who aren’t like us at all. These ones pretend enough “niceness” to manipulate people in order to get what they want. And they live among us, in our homes, places of employment, churches, social clubs, etc.

Abusers have a smooth and cunning way that can lead the listener to feel sorry for them. Whenever they feel threatened, like possibly being outed, the denial and wily psychological manipulation are amped up. This behaviour is called Anticipatory Grooming. They can make themselves appear spiritual, caring, right and nice  to outsiders. It sounds devilish.

People who abuse others psychologically and emotionally are incapable of fellow feeling. Some can fake concern though. That is what makes it challenging – to see them for who they truly are and accepting that they won’t change.

Abusers are good at enlisting the help of enablers who talk and gossip amongst themselves, forming opinions that are not based on facts. They delude themselves and turn their backs on the abused. Sometimes the enablers join the abuser in the abuse, or the cover up. The gang mentality Is formed and the abuser is pleased  he’s got more people under his control. The victim suffers unspeakable and immeasurable damage. Where can she go to feel safe?

It’s been a journey to accept that nefarious people are in my close circle or peripheral – lying and deceiving themselves and others. My abuser is still denying and his enablers are part of his cover-up. After five years of hanging onto a sliver of hope, it’s clear they won’t be open to the truth. It’s their choice to remain in the dark and to be deceived. Their ignorance is willful.

Post Abuse Grooming….that’s what it is.

Sadly, my situation is common, especially amongst families where there’s sibling abuse. They’ve deceived themselves and are trying to silence me.

This is a big reason why learning about the Grooming tactics of abusers is important.

I’ve made it easy to educate yourself by writing a book devoted to the subject of Grooming. In Identifying The Wolf, I unpack the four different types of that happen in three stages of the Grooming process.

Order your copy today through my website or  Amazon.

Why did you let it happen?

In the past this question was either thought of or asked of one who survived sexual assault or sexual abuse. Perhaps the victim/survivor may have even asked themself the same question. Now it is offensive. It comes from a victim-shaming and victim-blaming mindset. Fortunately, society has come a long way. We have come to understand that in Intimate Partner Violence and child abuse cases, usually other abuses happened first, which escalated to physical violence. This pattern of behaviour is not much different when it comes to sibling sexual abuse [SSA]

Many chalk up sexual activity between siblings as normal curiosity, or harmless sexual exploration. Depending on the age [chronological and emotional], the frequency and the intent, this may be true. Yet, sibling sexual activity that goes beyond mere curiosity is more common that many realize. If one of them feels victimized, this can be traumatizing.  The impact of SSA is equal to if not greater than other forms of sexual abuse. What is not usually considered is what went on between these siblings before the sexual activity.  

This blog sheds light on the other abuses that may have laid the foundation.

When it comes to SSA I have not heard of cases where a sibling randomly starts touching another sibling’s private areas who are beyond the *exploring* developmental stage. Depending on the ages of the two, there are countless examples where coercion or trickery in the guise of games, experimenting, promises of toys/money/candy, etc., were used. These all duped the other sibling into complying. 

Questions surface: How often were the siblings left alone? What about an older sibling’s *authority*? Was there emotional abuse like tattling, ridicule, belittling, etc, or threats of physical harm? What about physical abuse amongst the siblings? How often was there hitting, punching, pushing, slapping or even tickling? What about screaming, yelling or name-calling? 

Emotional abuse and or physical abuse or threats of such can be used to lay the foundation for a sibling to submit to the sexual will of the other. One is clearly trying to dominate.

NOTE: When there is oppression and domination of any kind, this is not sibling rivalry, it is sibling abuse. Oppression is in the eyes of the beholder. It is not harmless.

Perhaps the one harmed experienced some physical pleasure of the autonomic nature, and the instigator said things like: “You enjoyed it; you could have stopped if you wanted to.” Words like these result in emotional shame and unwarranted guilt. The instigator shifts the blame away from self onto the other. So, the harmed sibling may continue to acquiesce – suffering deep emotional damage. 

Perhaps the harmed sibling was told, ‘Mom or Dad won’t believe you if you tell’ or, “We’ll both get into trouble if you say anything”, adding to that, “if you tell I’ll punch your lights out”. Thus, more responsibility for the abuse is heaped onto the harmed sibling, resulting in further suffering. The pressure to remain silent is undeniable.

Almost always, there is some level of *preparation* that is used. For example, when trickery is used the targeted sibling may not feel manipulated until it’s too late. When physical or emotional abuse is used the one harmed may feel afraid and powerless to say No as shown above. These forms of grooming are designed to get the sibling to submit. Subsequently this creates complicit trauma because the harmed sibling believes they are willing participants. This results in tremendous shame. The psychological damage that ensues is unspeakable. I have listened to many SSA survivors and they share similar experiences – the sexual abuse came with physical and or emotional abuse from the same perpetrating sibling.

Truth is – SSA rarely stands alone as the only abuse the target sibling suffers. As demonstrated, SSA often comes with emotional and or physical abuse. Sibling sexual abuse is complicated, often a clustered abuse. Because of easy access, SSA can go on for months and years. There are stories of brothers who still attempt to rape sisters when both are adults, married with children. This shows that the offending sibling can view the other as an object for self-gratification. In cases like this it is all about power and control.

It is helpful to have the conversation on what’s going on where one sibling crosses the boundaries and disrespects the other.

Let’s be curious about what’s happening behind the scenes. Let’s remain open to the fact that sibling sexual abuse usually comes with emotional and/or physical abuse – a clustered abuse.

Let’s take the shame off the shoulders of the one who was harmed. They didn’t *let it happen*.

Lisa Hilton, CTRC-A, a sibling abuse survivor/thriver, is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach who supports adult survivors of childhood trauma Transform Travesty into Triumph. She works online with local and international clients. 

www.hiltoncoachingconsulting.com.  

Why don’t you just pray about it?   ** Possible Trigger Warning

 

 

The quick reply I’d give is: What makes you think I don’t?

 

The number of times this question is asked by persons of faith to survivors of child abuse [childhood trauma] is impossible to count. While those who ask this question are usually sincere and have a fairly decent motive, the fact remains that this question reveals more about the questioner than the questionee. For example, this person may…

 

  1. need more education re the real and lifelong physical and emotional injuries that result from child abuse – aka – asked out of ignorance
  2. be avoiding addressing his/her own childhood trauma
  3. feel uncomfortable watching someone do their work for it may evoke own feelings that have been ignored or denied
  4. be afraid of these possible awakened feelings
  5. carry own underlying shame due to the past
  6. feel powerless to help or feel overwhelmed by it all, said out of shame or frustration
  7. be afraid to go to therapy for self for whatever reason[s]

 

While none of these points are bad nor wrong, if you, the reader, have ever felt this way towards someone who is struggling, then be rest assured you are not alone. It is important to note that although well-intentioned, this question lands on an abuse survivor as victim-shaming and guilt-tripping dialogue. It is not helpful.

 

Or perhaps you, the reader, have said such things to yourself? If so, I’ve been there too. Saying things like this is dismissive, disrespectful re the level of your own pain and literally hurtful to your physiology. Oddly enough it is a type of self-gaslighting.

 

Not saying that praying about a matter of concern is wrong. However, prayer can be used to avoid doing the hard work of healing/recovering from various abuses. It is important to be clear – using prayer in this way is a type of Avoidance behaviour. This is called SPRITUAL BYPASSING. To bypass something means to go around it, jump over it, etc. It is the opposite of going through it and dealing with it head on. While bypassing the work of trauma recovery is appealing, it does NOT help the individual to really *get over* the issue. The only way one can release [get over] the pain of child abuse is to go through it – experience the feelings and detox from them hopefully with the support of professionally trained individuals. Only then will the undesirable feelings stop surfacing.

 

You have to feel it to heal it.

 

 

What is Spiritual Bypassing?

Spiritual Bypassing is using God, any religion or belief system, Amulets, Spiritism, New Age Mysticism, etc., including the latest trend of toxic positivity to “just think positive thoughts and positivity will come your way” – anything – to NOT deal with the pain from the past.  For those of you who pray and read/study the Bible – have you noticed that when you pray, you may get some relief, but it doesn’t last? The past keeps coming up repeatedly, right? This verifies that childhood trauma is not just a brain memory, it is also stored in the body, the tissues, the nervous system, at a cellular level. This explains why the initial relief isn’t permanent and that medical intervention is needed.

 

Ignorance assumes that the child abuse survivor has a spiritual problem. The level of faith doesn’t have the correlation to childhood trauma as most think. Emotional pain is way more complicated than that. The truth is – feelings buried are buried alive and they will always find a way to surface.

 

Would you say to someone who has survived a serious car accident, spent months in traction healing, and now can potentially live a full / active life – that they should not bother going to rehab nor that they should just pray about it and thereby wait for God to do the healing / recovery work? I hope your answer is NO because that really isn’t sound thinking, is it? Rather you would encourage this individual to go to rehab, do the exercises, build up muscle tone again, etc. so that s/he could have mobility and live as healthfully as possible, right?  Yes!! And this is what it’s like doing the necessary work of healing from childhood trauma. Survivors of various childhood traumatizations need trauma-informed professional medical help to live life as best they can and accomplish what they want today. They need emotional physiotherapy to develop strong *coping muscles* and healthy strategies to manage whatever is needed to thrive, not just survive.

 

Most childhood trauma survivors have felt stuck, frustrated, mentally foggy, isolated, emotionally dysregulated, dissociated, have social anxiety, carry unwarranted guilt and shame, deal with poor health, some are in severe mental and emotional anguish, etc., all stemming from the child abuse/neglect. Therefore, it is not wrong, nor a lack of faith nor a sign of poor spirituality or poor decision-making to want and need to recover from the damaging results of childhood trauma sooner rather than later. God is labelled as a happy God. He wants us to be happy and thrive, now. Unprocessed childhood trauma impedes this.

 

So please, let’s stop assuming, judging, criticizing, finger-pointing, shame-throwing and fear-projecting onto the victims of childhood trauma. Haven’t they suffered enough? A suggestion – if you want to use the Bible please do so as it is intended – as a mirror.

 

My ask is that others who haven’t done their own trauma recovery work not impose their opinions onto childhood trauma survivors who are. Please be careful of what you’re really saying, how it’s landing and … be aware of where these opinions stem from. One who is in distress doesn’t necessarily need spiritual counselling. They need comfort instead. Timing is everything.

 

Together we can create safe spaces for those who choose to work through their childhood trauma.

 

**Trigger Warning – some religious beliefs are mentioned. Normally I do not blend trauma recovery with religion because there are many who’ve been traumatized by religious and spiritual abuse. I remain sensitive to this. If this has triggered you, please resource yourself healthily or email me.

 

If any of the 7 points above hit a nerve, perhaps your body is telling you something. If comfortable, click on the question: Is Trauma Recovery Coaching Right for Me? If you’ve done a measure of therapy already and are seeking further support, reach out to me and let’s have a chat.

Most of us would shudder to ever think that we would enable a predator or an abuser to abuse a child. To enable is defined as: 

  1. To provide the means or opportunity; to make possible, practical, or easy; to cause to operate
  2. To give legal power, capacity, or sanction to 

With this definition would you say that if someone ignores the warnings signs of abuse, or blatantly allows their own child to be used or abused by another person is an enabler? Wouldn’t you agree the answer must be Yes! 

For child abuse to stop, one of the biggest things that needs to happen is for others to wake up to what is going on. Educating yourself on Grooming and other ways that child sexual predators operate is imperative and well worth the time and effort. Enabling happens wittingly and unwittingly. The result is equally the same on the victim – the emotional, physical, psychological and brain injuries are the same. 

As a society and as neighbours, prevention would include times when an individual knows or suspects abuse or neglect. The thoughts of ‘I don’t want to get involved’, or ‘maybe I’m imagining things’, or ‘I wouldn’t like someone else to call about me’, push aside the protection and safety of the child. According to the above definition, if an adult suspects something wrong and does nothing, this can be classified as enabling. Here in British Columbia, Canada, we have a legal duty to report concerns to a child welfare worker. Calling after hours 1.800.663.9122 gives one the option to report anonymously. So yes, there is a duty to report. The Child, Family and Community Services Act requires “anyone who has reason to believe that a child or youth has been or is likely to be abused or neglected, and that the parent is unwilling or unable to protect the child or youth, must report the suspected abuse or neglect to a child welfare worker.” Sobering, isn’t it? 

We know that on September 15, 2021 the Senate Judiciary Committee was investigating the role two FBI agents played that enabled Larry Nassar to keep sexually abusing and molesting female gymnasts.  Senator Cory Booker said: “The one saying that rings in my head is the only way for injustice to continue is for good people to do nothing.… It shouldn’t take something to directly happen to us to trigger our empathy and our action.…We are all playing a part in a culture that allows this to happen.” 

Senator Blumenthal said some strong words directly to FBI Director, Christopher Wary: “the actions and inactions are totally unacceptable. [italics mine] … These individuals betrayed the core duties that they have of protecting people. They failed to protect young women and girls from abuse.”  He also said that the false statements by the two FBI agents “is blood curdling”. The inaction he referred to can be labeled as enabling and it becomes institutional betrayal. 

Clearly, enabling abusers to continue strongly incites our sense of justice and we cry out for such. And it is the abused victims who are exhausted, worn down, physically dealing with the aftermath of the sexual abuse, sometimes for the rest of their lives. The victim-shaming and denial and coercion all takes a toll.  Aly Raisman, one of the gymnastic athletes who survived the abuse, described how far reaching the aftermath and residual impact of sexual abuse has in her own health, where she spoke to her extreme fatigue, and it led to collapse. It was due to the exhaustion of healing from the trauma. She is not alone. Most, if not all trauma survivors suffer various physical challenges; fatigue and brain fog are very common. 

This type of outrage at the egregious actions on the part of the two FBI agents and Larry Nassar and the USGA, USOC and the USPC clearly has ignited outrage regarding the enabling and the cover-up that took place. We all feel this betrayal. As onlookers, we also can experience a certain level of vicarious trauma betrayal, simply by knowing this happened and by watching the legal and judicial proceedings. 

Another example of institutional betrayal and enabling is the ongoing news releases on the sexual abuse cover ups within the Catholic Church. Now there are more than 200,000 that the French clergy [in France] have abused since 1950. This is just one ‘Catholic’ country. How many victims in total does this make now? One article stated the church had shown “deep, total and even cruel indifference for years,” by protecting itself rather than the victims of the systemic abuse. It is important to note here that child sexual abuse is not exclusive to the Catholic Church. Sexual predators love religion, all religions. Where else can one find a more submissive target that in an organization where all are taught to be forgiving, to be loving and kind, to be obedient? And time nor space will not permit delving into the atrocities committed against the helpless child victims of the colonization of the indigenous populations via the residential schools in North America and beyond. This will be discussed at another time. 

Yes, the opposite of love isn’t hatred, it’s indifference. And this is where the painful betrayal comes from too. The feeling that we don’t matter, that our pain doesn’t matter, our story and what happened to us doesn’t matter. Righteous indignation often arises coupled with the hurt and betrayal. True we cannot undo what has been done. Owning up – being accountable – and doing one’s best to make up or right the wrong may be a stepping stone towards repairing the relationship.

Now let’s think of a domestic situation. If one caregiver of a child does not prevent another parent or adult from verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually abusing the child, what message does that send to the child? The one adult is enabling or granting permission via inaction. In some areas of the world, it is now an avenue for social services to remove a child/ren from a home when there is domestic violence because of the long-term impact this has on the children – witnessing violence is abuse. So, if witnessing violence is considered abuse how much more so is enabling the abuse? Does this not also cause abuse? 

I will not go into the reasons why a parent may not stand up for the child. I am simply giving what is happening a name. We need to call it what it is. Silence on the part of onlookers is enabling, choosing to ignore what is seen or heard is enabling. Not holding the perpetrator nor the institutions accountable is enabling, all which result in another layer of betrayal. 

 

What I’ve found is that it’s not just people who are enablers. The biggest enablers are Denial, Silence, Apathy, Ignorance, Complicity, Indifference, Fear, and Shame. All these are choices that one makes in life. We all have free will. So, choosing to look the other way over facing the truth, choosing to deny what is seen over being open to it, choosing to be apathetic over caring, choosing ignorance and complicity over compassion– these are decisions one can make every single day. 

Enabling can show up in subtle ways too. It usually isn’t bold and obvious. That’s why education on enabling is so important. In a home environment, enabling can show up in just being too busy as a parent or caregiver to notice when a child is suffering or is struggling. Enabling can show up when a parent or caregiver is not emotionally intelligent to the feelings of the child/ren or when there is an environment that is emotionally neglectful. Enabling can show up as a lack of attunement in the parent/child relationship. Enabling often happens when the caregiver has not processed his/her own trauma. 

Enabling shows up after the victim discloses what happened and those close to the accused/perpetrator maintain the same relationship with the accused and over time, end up ignoring or ostracizing the victim. Pretending the abuse didn’t happen enables the perpetrator to stay in his/her own denial and accountability is never expected. This enabling, this cover-up is extremely painful for the abuse survivor to watch and endure. And it is damaging to the abuser; it impedes their own personal growth. 

Let’s go back to the definition of enabling: To provide the means or opportunity; to make possible, practical, or easy; to cause to operate. Enabling, covering up, remaining silent, looking the other way, pretending that what is noticed isn’t happening never helps the victim, never helps in the healing, never supports the building up of the health and well-being of citizens in any nation.

All I ask that that you name what you see, notice this is happening when it happens, trust your gut, and come to the aid of the victim. Being silent never helps the victim. Silence always helps the abuser – it helps the abuser to keep on abusing. 

 

Lisa B Hilton, CTRC, is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach working with adults who’ve survived childhood trauma. She herself is a childhood trauma survivor. She supports these ones in transforming their travesty into triumph. She coaches clients on a one-to-one basis and in closed group coaching sessions. She is a blogger, an educator on childhood trauma, a consultant. She is a wife, mother, dream supporter and has a passion for supporting people connect to their authentic selves so that they can live life in the freedom they’ve always wanted. 

She can be contacted through hiltoncoachingconsulting.com 

Grooming has been talked about and related to child sexual abuse a lot recently. Especially when it is done by those in positions of authority and trust and how they can twist what they’re doing around to make it *seem* perfectly okay and justified. Larry Nassar comes to mind when I make this statement. Yet there are other sexual predators that use threats, violence, fear, intimidation to get what they want and to be able to continue doing what they want.

 

According to YWCA CSA FACT SHEET  93% of CSA instances [Child Sexual Abuse] are done by people known to the child. Nearly 70% of all reported cases of CSA are by those under 17 years of age. For 12.3% of females, their first rape happens before the age of 10.  The younger the child, the greater the chance the child is/was abused by a family member – 50% for 5 year olds and younger!

 

These stats show that CSA is still prevalent the world over. It is not localized to specific countries, demographics, nor ethnicity. It is a global epidemic. 

 

So how do the perpetrators get away with doing this especially since more and more of us are being educated on this sensitive topic?…. Since more and more are aware that this happens?

 

It is because of Grooming.  Grooming is: Behaviour by an individual who enjoys power and control.  In the context of sexual abuse, grooming involves specific skills of manipulation, coercion, domination so they can sexually abuse their target and keep doing so as long as they want.

It does not mean that if you’ve got a BA or a PHD that you’ll see grooming behaviour easier than those who don’t. The facts show all can be duped, fooled, tricked, and manipulated by a perpetrator of ill intent.

 

From what I’ve seen in my Trauma Recovery Coaching practice there are four basic types of grooming. And what I mean is that grooming is done at four different stages in the abusive relationship to ensure that victim is compliant and silent and that they maintain power and control over the target and any support system s/he may have. 

 

For those who’ve been randomly been abused by a stranger almost always violence and or threats were involved. Since most CSA stems from either a family member or someone who is trusted by the family, I will list grooming behaviours coming from this lens.

Target: Victim and their support circle

Purpose: They want to feel power and control. Creates an Adrenalin rush.

Sometimes it involves:

Games

Affection

Praise

Gifts

Seduction

Mind games

Threats or acts of violence or torture so victim will comply

Mock trust-building

Ploys to alienate

Intentional by perp to ensure their target allows the sexual abuse to happen.

Intentional so that the target’s family continues to trust and does not suspect any foul play/criminal behaviour/sexual activity

Their success is dependant on how well he has built up trust, and how good he is at his game. Or it could depend on his physical strength and intimidation.

It doesn’t have much to do with how smart you are, it is more about how cunning and manipulative or violent the abuser is.

Pre Abuse Grooming may go on for days, weeks, months and even years before the actual sexual behaviour commences.

 

  1. Concurrent Grooming

Target: Victim and their support circle

Purpose: They enjoy the feeling of power and control and want to maintain this at any cost. Adrenaline rush.

Various ploys to make their victim feel wanted, special or even loved – gift giving, special vacations, etc. 

Mind games involving Coercion, Victim blaming, Shaming

Guilt-tripping – Implying victim wanted this sexual activity to happen by saying things like: Well, you didn’t stop me so you must like what we are doing

Threats to hurt victim, their family or friends, pets, possessions, or their reputation

Threats to kill or harm self creating mental anguish and guilt in the victim

Threats to kill or harm the victim

Ongoing violence, torture, physical abuse

Intent – They demand that their victim be SILENT.

Target: Victim’s support circle, victim, community

Purpose: To maintain sense of Power and Control, becoming more fear based

Becomes common once the victim begins to talk of the abuse.

Because victim is not silent, the back up plan is to ensure she is not believed – sow seeds of doubt re her moral character, mental stability, or her intentions to any who may hear

May involve vehement denial, character assassination, gaslighting, deflection. May cite “examples” as “proof” that the victim is not afraid of the perp. [If I’m so horrible then why would she…..?]  These implications are twisted to cause one to question the allegations of the victim.

The offender may use media to defame, intimidate or silence, etc. 

Uttering of threats to those who believe the victim so they won’t come forward.

Towards the victim there may be overt or covert threats, aggressive behaviour, which may include physical attacks, attempted assaults, kidnapping or attempted kidnapping, 

May twist facts to where offender looks like the victim.

To the untrained ear, what the perp says may sound rational or believable. 

All this Reactive Grooming is purposely executed because they want the listener to feel sorry for the sexual predator. They want any listener to believe their lies. It is part of their game of manipulation of others because they like to feel power and control.

Also known as DARVO- Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender role

Target: Victim’s support circle, community, world at large

Purpose: To maintain power and control, Silence the victim, ensure s/he isn’t believed.

To ensure that no one believes the abused victim, the abuser spreads lies, slanders the character or cast doubts as to the mental stability and honesty of their victim[s].  

Involves mind games, coercion, lies, manipulation of thought and feelings of as many people as possible. 

It is a game to them – they like to see how many they can fool and/or destroy. If the abuser[s] cannot control their victim[s], then they will do whatever they can to control those whom the victims know. 

 

It is very important to remember that all Grooming behaviour is effective, intentional and calculated and done callously.  Because it works so well, it is used by sexual predators, by politicians, in business, and in religion.  

 

DARVO is a favourite ploy of all those who want to have a sense and need to maintain this sense of power and control. DARVO  is successful only when we are ignorant about it. An example: When Harvey Weinstein was convicted he was noted as saying words to the effect ‘He was the first of the Me Too movement and that he fears it’s led to 1000s of men not getting due process.’  This is a classic example of a perpetrator trying to manipulate the listeners to feel sorry for him.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDDJwBpEhhI   It is DARVO, clear and true. Yes, there are plenty of those who’ve abused women and children and they’ve all employed DARVO as their Go-To when the victims begin to speak. I am sure that many names come to your mind when you think about who has been accused and or convicted in these last 5 years.

 

The reality is that it is the abuser or the individual in power that is afraid of the truth coming out, so a lot of their grooming is fear based.  These ones are cowards in many ways. Yes, when all is said and done it is the abuser/perpetrator is really the one who feels powerless.  They are the ones who feel week, shame and pathetic and work hard at inflicting these sad feelings of inadequacy onto their victims. It just breaks my heart when I think of these innocent little children some too young to even speak who are subjected to this form of manipulation, coercion and toxic, shameful, and egregious behaviour.

 

In my own case I was raised in a home environment were there was rigidity and control. Unwittingly, parents passed on their own childhood pain through the lack of communication, lack of warmth and compassion, strong discipline, and us kids were the brunt of a lot of unprocessed toxicity. We didn’t learn how to truly talk about what we were experiencing at any time in our lives. There was no safety to be vulnerable, to show emotion, to be authentic. It is sad, really, when I look back on all this. Such a waste of time not really living – not being able to live free, nor live in joy and authenticity. This environment creates fertile soil for abuse to happen. I’ve experienced the Grooming stages of 3 & 4 mostly – this I can remember more. 

 

The first assault happened before language was fully developed and memory was just beginning to start using a narrative. I must have been 2-3 yrs old. All I know is that there is an intense sense of terror when I am around him. He did tell later what he did after I confronted him of the sexual assault. So my physiological response when in his presence now makes sense. 

 

Besides this, I was the one who was sexually assaulted besides this physical terrorization by the same brother when I was about 4. No wonder I had such a hard time relaxing and trusting, such a hard time with social situations, such a hard time learning certain subjects…. No wonder…..no wonder….no wonder! Thankfully, after therapy and trauma recovery coaching, I am able to see and tell the truth re all what happened.

 

When victims feel safe enough to tell the truth, they free themselves, they feel empowered. By telling, they throw the shame, blame and guilt back onto the perp – where it rightfully belongs.  

 

As a society it is really important to open our eyes and see Grooming and DARVO for what it is and only then will this type of “woe is me” attitude and punishment/backlash for telling stop working. We need to listen. We need to believe their stories. Abuse does NOT happen in a vacuum. There are always enablers. Educating ourselves on Grooming is one way to fight against denial and complicity.