I am realizing in my own journey and as I watch other people interact, I am concluding that many of us childhood trauma survivors struggle with living in a world of absolutes. Brutal honesty here – Until I began my own journey, I didn’t know why I seemed to gravitate towards needing control and yet I HATED being controlled and I resented the feeling that I “had” to oversee everything. Quite the paradox!
Soon enough I learned that my sense of safety or lack thereof was behind it all. It began to make sense and eventually I came to understand that I don’t think I ever truly felt safe. When I look back on that inner rigidity, I chuckle. I see now how much unnecessary pressure I put on myself and those around me. How unkind and unloving it was – silly me – I was a trauma survivor, and I was just trying to feel safe. Enter the self-compassion.
As you can see, I’m processing this absolute thinking and how criticism, judgment, and wanting conformity or uniformity all came from the same feelings of fear, shame, and powerlessness. This is what I am figuring out:
Uniformity fears difference because it views deviation as a threat to stability, and stability means safety. It is rigid and conditional: "You are only safe/acceptable if you agree with me." Being critical and judgmental is often a subconscious defense mechanism. It is an attempt to force the world into neat, predictable, "uniform" categories so the nervous system doesn't have to face the terrifying ambiguity of difference.
Moving from demanding uniformity to allowing unity takes time. It involves teaching the brain and nervous system that someone can disagree or be different from you and still be safe to love and connect with.
Unity is about being aligned despite differences. It’s like an orchestra—a violin, a flute, and a drum are completely different instruments making different sounds, but they work together to create a single piece of music. Unity values the collective whole without requiring individuals to erase who they are. And I don’t want anyone have to feel that. So, this blog is about making sense of this old mindset and learning how to manage the need for uniformity and feel safe enough to be open to the differences – the gray of life – teaching the amygdala (threat detection centre) that you are an adult now and know what to do and have to power to do that to keep you safe.
Here are some steps that can help – IPGP.
- Inner child validation and support. This is ongoing work because each time there are flashbacks, more compassion, understanding, validation and support must be shown.
~ There are also somatic movements that help the brain transition from survival mode to safe thriving mode.
- Pause and name the part that’s protecting. The moment you catch yourself thinking in absolutes, (They always do this, They are completely wrong, This is ruined), pause. Instead of fighting the thought, name it with curiosity rather than shame.
~ For example – instead of saying, I am being so judgmental right now, try saying, A part of me is feeling highly critical right now because it feels unsafe or disconnected.
This creates psychological distance.
~ Remember, You are not your trauma response; it is just a protective mechanism (part or inner child) running in the background.
- Get Grounded. Take two or three long, slow exhalations (making the exhale longer than the inhale). Feel your feet flat on the floor or touch something physically textured nearby.
~ Remind your body: I am safe right now. A difference in opinion or behaviour cannot hurt me in this moment.
- Pivot to using, And. When you notice the either/or thinking, practice inserting the word, and. This allows flexibility so you can hold two seemingly opposite truths at the same time. For example:
- They are doing this completely wrong and it's frustrating, to, They are doing this differently than I would, and their way might still work out okay.
- If I make a mistake here, I am a total failure, to, I messed up this specific task, and I am still a capable, worthy person.
Other strategies
To train your brain out of the survival binary over time, you can use these two mental filters when you feel the urge to judge:
1. "What is the third option?" When your brain gives you a menu with only two choices (e.g., Succeed or Fail, Perfect or Terrible), explicitly force yourself to invent a third middle-ground option. What does a "70% good" outcome look like?
2. "Is this a safety issue or a preference issue?" Ask yourself: Is this person actually putting me in danger, or are they just failing to conform to how I think things should be done? Separating actual danger from mere discomfort is a massive step in trauma recovery.
Be incredibly gentle with yourself as you practice this. That inner critic spent years keeping you safe in a chaotic world; it takes time to convince it that it's finally allowed to retire.
In time, childhood trauma survivors will notice less bodily tension and a more relaxed way of being. Confidence grows as we see that we can manage emotions successfully – that differences are not threatening to our wellbeing – that we can feel safe enough. Here is where that sense of freedom exists and you deserve to feel this.
For survivors of sibling sexual abuse, finding the immense courage to finally tell your biological family the truth is an act of breathtaking bravery. You expect the disclosure to be the hardest part. But so often, the deepest, most unexpected wound comes from what happens after the truth is spoken.
When you turn on the light in a dysfunctional system, the family dynamic often shifts greatly. It is a devastating reality that very few families are healthy or strong enough to withstand the bomb of a hard truth. Instead of gathering around to protect you, many families immediately scramble to protect their own identity. They cling to the comforting illusion that "we are a good family," treating your trauma as a minor irritation—or pretending it never happened at all—just to keep their world from fracturing.
The Invisible Trap of the "Lost Sheep"
If you have watched your family close ranks around the person who harmed you, putting more effort so that the abuser doesn’t feel cast out or lonely, please know you are not crazy, and you are not the problem.
Abusers, particularly within religious or tight-knit families, are often deeply terrified of losing their status. Driven by this fear, they rely on denial, toxic grooming and manipulation to secure their position. They present themselves as the lost sheep (the victim) in need of support and understanding grace, while you are met with a wall of indifference or silence. It is the ultimate act of cowardice. Yet, it works because the family system is often groomed to prioritize the offender’s comfort over the victim's actual safety.
When family members say, I just don't want to take sides, it is a deep betrayal. They try to pass off neutrality as peace. But true neutrality doesn't exist when it comes to abuse. Choosing to look the other way, or treating the truth as a matter of opinion, isn't being a peacemaker—it is actively choosing to maintain an illusion because facing reality requires too much hard, uncomfortable work. It also enables the sibling sexual abusers to keep on psychologically abusing by allowing them to manipulate the family’s thinking and control the narrative.
Misusing Forgiveness as a Silencer
For survivors in faith-based circles, spiritual concepts are frequently weaponized to enforce compliance. You might be told that you must forgive, or that love covers a multitude of sins, or, just be more loving. Or maybe, you’ve been told that you need to pray more.
Let’s be incredibly clear: you can completely forgive someone—releasing the bitterness from your own heart for your own healing—without ever allowing them back into your space (because they haven’t proven their genuinely sorry and that they’re safe). Forgiveness is a personal release; it is not reconciliation. Reconciliation requires accountability, safety, and a shared commitment to the truth. When a family acts like the abuse never happened – won’t talk about it with the survivor, and there are no consequences for the abuser, that isn't being Christian or being peaceable. It is systemic grooming and frankly, it’s toxic.
Choosing Your Own Safe Harbour
Deciding to go low-contact or completely no-contact with your biological family is one of the most painful choices you will ever make. And it is not a vengeful act, nor is it an attempt to control who your family talks to. It is a necessary, protective response to betrayal trauma.
If seeing a family member's face or name flash on your phone causes your heart to race and your lungs to tighten, listen to your body. Your nervous system knows that this environment is no longer a safe harbour. You are not being unforgiving; you are simply refusing to participate in a false peace built on a lie. Your sense of safety is paramount. You need to heal.
Stepping away from the biological family system to stand in the light is a profound grieving process. The family you were born into and hoped to have may not be, but your integrity remains whole.
If you are standing in the light alone right now, take a deep breath. The feelings from the frantic scattering of the family will eventually fade into the background. As you continue to practice your boundaries and prioritize your safety, the grieving will slow down. You will find the safe, honest people who can truly see you, believe you, and walk beside you.
You are stronger than the illusion they chose, and you deserve a life lived in the truth. And who knows! Maybe, one day, the people you had hoped would understand finally do. Then relationship repair may be possible.
Survivors of childhood trauma often struggle with the confusion stemming from a lack of boundaries and respect for their bodies, which is a significant challenge to overcome. Added to this there probably was an environment that lacked emotional intelligence and healthy supportive and loving conversations. These survivors usually grew up feeling devastatingly alone, even insignificant.
As they heal and learn to name what they experienced, the need to say out loud what happened to them is important. Telling is a vital step in trauma recovery. In telling the survivor validates themselves and reinforces that what happened to them is wrong, bad, criminal, and it should have never happened. It also sheds light on the fact that they didn’t have the emotional support needed to be safe enough; they didn’t feel loved, cared for and about, they were not protected or nurtured.
So, it’s not the outright abuse that scars and damages, it is also what didn’t happen for them.
Later if they decide to go to a therapist and begin to unravel their confusing story, and it is received with compassion, understanding and tenderness, they begin to lift their heads up. And with that, they start the journey of handing shame back onto the ones who abused and neglected.
If these survivors are raised as Christians or are Bible readers it can be confusing when they learn about the admonition to not gossip or spread disparaging information about others. So… what to do? Is it wrong to go to the police?
Is it wrong to talk about what happened to you?
Is it wrong or unchristian to share your story, to share about the pain you went through and how the abuse impacted you?
Should you feel ashamed for telling?
Absolutely not. Your story deserves to be heard. YOU deserve and should be heard.
Telling IS healing. And I’ll get more personal here.
It is not gossip when you share what happened to you.
If the abuser(s) get upset because you’re telling what they did, that is not on you. That is their shame surfacing. It is not your responsibility to fix their feelings, to soften the blow of reality, to protect them, to ease their discomfort.
For some survivors, the push back from the abusers and their enablers/supports can be intense. Remember, it is not you who did wrong; it is them. They don’t like their vile deeds coming to light. Speaking out is not being disloyal, it is not gossiping, and it is certainly not unchristian. You are not “airing dirty laundry.” In fact, speaking truth is expected of Christians, covering up wrongdoing is a sin. And child abuse is not something that survivors need to “just get over, just let it go and move on.”
If they accuse you of gossiping or making up stories, then they are gaslighting. Be careful not to get sucked into their refusal to own their choices and behaviours. Stand true in your clarity of what was and is happening.
For your wellness, stick to those who believe you, who validate you, who support you, who are kind and patient and understanding. You will heal more within healthy relationships. Stay away from toxic ones – the ones who prefer to spew their shame back onto you. These ones are too busy looking at the “straw” in your eye while ignoring the “rafter” in their own.
What is wrong is covering up the wrongdoing – the interpersonal crimes. If people want to heal, they need to face what happened. Name it accordingly – not sugar coat it or dismiss it as immature mistakes, especially if the perpetrator was also a minor at the time. The perpetrator(s) need to own what they did. If they are truly sorry, there would be evidence of intense remorse. There would be apologies and a proactive approach to repair the damage caused and ensure it isn’t repeated. These are signs of emotional and spiritual maturity. And the survivor also needs to face what happened, name it, and do the work necessary to heal the deep wounds (trauma) that resulted. Believe me, there are layers and layers to work through, and you CAN do the hard work – with the right support.
It’s true that as a survivor, you have a significant journey of healing ahead. But remember, this journey is yours to take, and it’s one that leads to a life filled with joy, meaning, and confidence. By continuing the work of trauma recovery, you’re not only healing yourself but also paving the way for healthier emotional connections with others. Every step you take is a step towards a brighter future. And always remember, you are worth every bit of effort and love you invest in yourself.
I am here to walk alongside you. Reach out when you’re ready to take the next step.
Healing from emotionally painful relationships rarely happens all at once. It’s a quiet, often invisible process—one that can take years, even decades. Even when we know someone disrupts our peace or diminishes our worth, we may find ourselves drawn back—hoping, deep down, that this time might be different.
We’re seeking something beautiful: kindness, connection, recognition.
But too often, we’re met with disappointment—neglect, criticism, or even cruelty.
And each return chips away at our sense of self.
What Is Repetition Compulsion?
There’s a name for this deeply human pattern: repetition compulsion.
It’s the brain’s way of trying to make sense of earlier emotional injuries by returning to familiar scenarios—this time, hoping for a different outcome.
This may feel frustrating or self-defeating, but it’s not a flaw. It’s a survival strategy.
The brain, in all its complexity and power, isn't sabotaging us—it returns to what’s familiar because it’s familiar – even if it comes with pain. These patterns aren’t born of confusion, but of an ingrained unhealthy loyalty. They are deeply entrenched, often stemming from childhood.
Understanding this allows us to meet these patterns not with shame, but with compassion—for how hard the brain has worked to make sense of and developing according to its environment, and how bravely we are now learning to choose new paths.
Why We Keep Hoping
When love was once tied to pain, our nervous system may confuse familiarity with safety. We go back, not because we don’t understand what’s happening, but because a tender part of us still believes that if we try hard enough, it might finally feel different.
We keep hoping that maybe they’ll see our value and truly love us.
This longing isn’t shameful.
It’s proof of your capacity to love.
Sometimes we pour ourselves into relationships, hoping someone will finally offer the warmth, steadiness, or nurturing we’ve always deserved.
This isn't naïve. It's courageous.
The Grief Beneath the Pattern
Often, just below the surface, there's a quiet refusal to fully acknowledge the truth—not because we're in denial, but because admitting it might break our hearts.
There’s fear that grieving what never was will leave us truly alone.
So we keep reaching.
Knocking on doors that stay closed.
Still clinging to the dream of being fully seen and deeply loved.
Until, one day, the ache gently nudges us to stop.
To breathe.
And to begin facing forward.
When Enough Is Enough
Not everyone we care for can offer the love we need.
That doesn’t make them cruel. It just means their emotional capacity doesn’t align with ours.
If someone leaves you anxious, diminished, or doubting yourself—it may be time to gently ask:
“Is this connection nurturing my healing?”
The truth is: some people simply aren’t our emotional people.
Even if they’re bound to us by blood, history, or longing, they may not be able to meet us with compassion, clarity, or care.
And recognizing this isn’t giving up—it’s waking up.
What Healing Can Look Like
Healing isn’t always dramatic.
Often, it starts with small, sacred shifts:
- Turning away from the fire. You no longer owe your story to those who cannot hold it.
- Building tender boundaries. Boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re bridges to self-respect. When we respect ourselves, we won’t tolerate mistreatment of any kind.
- Seeking safe spaces. In therapy, in friendship, in spirituality, in the quiet voice of your wiser self.
- Letting go of fantasy. Not to punish them, but to free yourself.
You don’t have to cut everyone out.
But you do have to stop handing your heart to those who keep dropping it – if you want to heal.
You Are Not Broken
There is nothing wrong with wanting love.
There is so much right with choosing peace.
Let this be the moment you stop knocking on locked doors—and begin building your own.
One that opens into safety.
One that welcomes joy.
One where you are finally, fully home.
Have you ever felt the sting of a double standard — where someone expects grace, understanding, or respect from you, but offers little of it in return? Double standards don’t build connection — they create confusion, resentment, and distance. They often show up in subtle, relational ways that are hard to name but deeply felt.
At the root of many double standards are traits like emotional immaturity, unacknowledged pain, and sometimes, subtle narcissistic behaviours. These aren’t always dramatic or intentional — in fact, they often fly under the radar, masked as personality quirks or “just how someone is.”
As licensed clinical social worker Bree Bonchay points out, these traits can quietly undermine relationships, creating imbalance and frustration. The list below reflects some of those patterns.
You may recognize them in others — and maybe, if you’re willing to be gently honest, in yourself too.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness.
Because it’s awareness — paired with honesty, humility, and integrity — that allows us to build stronger, healthier connections.
- Grandiose, yet fragile
- Can dish it out, but can’t take it
- Demanding you meet their needs, but uninterested in meeting yours
- Hypersensitive, yet insensitive
- Oppositional, yet intolerant of opposition
- Emotionally intitled, yet depriving
- Quick to blame, but unwilling to accept accountability
- Image conscious, but lacks self-awareness
- Expects absolute loyalty, but is quick to betray others
- Demands constant praise, but is very critical
She labels these as “the narcissistic paradoxes of double standards.”
We know that the word narcissistic is thrown around a lot these days. Fortunately, with people becoming more socially attuned we are now able to identify some of our experiences and perhaps even our own behaviours. Being imperfect, we all have a thread of what is now called narcissism (self-centeredness). Knowing this and doing something about it is the jam. Emotionally and spiritually mature people don’t make excuses for their imperfections.
So, let’s reframe her 10 into something more self-reflective.
- Do I think/believe I deserve to be respected and feel hurt when I am not?
- Do I find it easy to tease or be sarcastic yet don’t like it when I am the brunt of other’s jokes?
- Do I want people to meet my needs but make excuses why I’m not there for others?
- Am I easily offended while not being aware that I can be insensitive to other’s feelings and needs too?
- Do I not like it when people talk back, ignore what I’m saying, yet have no problem standing up for myself and calling people out on their stuff that I don’t like.
- Do I expect others to respect my emotional needs yet am not sensitive to others’ needs, according to them?
- Am I quick to point out the faults of and the neglects of others but don’t like to fully own my failures in the relationship?
- Do I describe myself as being self-aware while downplaying my faults?
- Do I expect others to not talk about me negatively while I talk about them negatively?
- Do I expect to be commended and acknowledged for the good I do and the changes I’ve made but cannot seem to see the good in others or commend them for trying?
And I’ll add 10 more.
- Do I struggle with apologizing — or offer apologies that shift the blame (“I’m sorry you feel that way”) instead of taking full responsibility?
- Am I more focused on how others make me feel than on how I make others feel?
- Do I interrupt, dominate conversations, or steer discussions back to my experiences — especially when others are trying to share something vulnerable?
- Do I secretly feel superior to others who are struggling — even if I don’t say it out loud?
- Do I expect people to “just know” what I need or want, and feel resentful when they don’t?
- Do I offer help or support to others with strings attached — expecting loyalty, praise, or reciprocation in return?
- Am I uncomfortable when others outshine me or receive more attention, even if I don’t say anything?
- Do I justify my emotional reactions but label others as “too sensitive” when they express theirs?
- Do I feel a need to always be the one who’s “right” or the one who has it “worse”?
- Do I struggle to genuinely celebrate others’ growth, achievements, or happiness unless I’m part of the credit?
Closing Reflection:
Reading this may sting a little. I get that. And if you really want to heal, I suggest going a bit further and ask these questions to someone who knows you and is prepared to give honest, direct feedback.
It’s likely that all of us, at some point, can see glimpses of ourselves in the reflections above. That’s not a reason for shame — it’s a reason for curiosity. The point isn’t to judge, but to ask:
Am I aware of these tendencies — and what am I doing to ensure they don’t harm my relationships?
Because underneath these traits — the defensiveness, the emotional distance, the harsh judgments — there are often deeper wounds: Unhealthy self-worth. Jealousy. A sense of entitlement. Fear of vulnerability. A competitive spirit. A disconnection from our own feelings.
And under all of that?
Fear. Shame. Humiliation. Unworthiness.
Sometimes these behaviours are not arrogance — they’re avoidance. Not confidence — but protection. Not meanness — but pain masked in control.
When we behave this way, we may be trying to outrun the beliefs and fears we carry about ourselves. And being truly seen — flaws and all — can feel terrifying when we’ve learned to survive by hiding or controlling or when we never felt truly accepted.
The truth is though, to get to the place where it’s safe and comfortable to be seen, we must first do the tender, messy, transformative work of fully accepting ourselves — every single piece. And that takes time. It takes work. It takes ongoing brain rewiring and nervous system support to fully recover from the wounds of childhood trauma. And as these long-standing wounds heal, we can look at ourselves honestly, admit our faults, and still love and accept ourselves as we are, without feeling shame.
If you’ve made it to this point in the blog, you’ve already taken that first brave step toward transformation.
I’m here if you want to go further.
As a Trauma & Resilience Specialist, I offer safe, compassionate support for adults navigating the complex journey of healing.
Reach out. Let’s talk about where you are — and where you long to be.
This image holds a powerful reminder of how our perceptions can be misleading. It’s a photo of rocks that, from a particular angle, appear as a person quietly sitting in water, reading a book. The visual illusion mirrors the inner landscape of trauma recovery: assumptions about appearances can lead to profound misunderstandings.
When I first saw this image, it resonated with a deep part of me, surfacing wounds from times when I was misjudged, or my intentions were misunderstood. I thought back to moments when, instead of being asked for clarification, conclusions were jumped to, judgments were made, and these opinions were held as “fact.” And once people believe their perception to be true, there’s often little room left for understanding, or for compassion. It can be deeply painful to feel that someone wants to believe the worst, consciously or unconsciously. Such experiences can feel like a loss, and I find myself feeling sad for those who cling to assumptions rather than seeking connection.
In my journey through trauma recovery, I’ve had to carefully choose a small circle of people who embody kindness, acceptance, and understanding. I no longer have the energy for criticism and judgments that stem from others’ unresolved fears and insecurities. I’ve reached a point where my healing journey cannot coexist with others’ unmet shame or the finger-pointing that often accompanies it.
Constructive feedback, shared gently and with care, has its place. I appreciate when people express concerns using a compassionate approach, which softens the message and shows that it comes from a place of love rather than judgment. But when criticism becomes harsh or unjust, or when accusations are made, there comes a time to draw a line.
There’s a unique layer of difficulty for childhood trauma survivors, who too often find themselves the target of uninformed or hurtful opinions. Unsolicited advice from those lacking trauma awareness can cause more harm than healing. Criticism, particularly when disguised as concern, can feel more like an attack than support. Childhood trauma survivors have endured enough of this throughout their lives, often internalizing it until self-compassion feels like a distant hope.
For years, I absorbed criticism, both from others and from myself, struggling to see my own worth. Healing has allowed me to shift the lens I use to view myself and others. With a healthy sense of self, I now recognize that harsh criticism often comes from a place of hurt and fear. While I understand the pain behind the critical mindset, I’m choosing not to expose myself to it any longer. My mental health and peace require an environment of love, respect, and acceptance.
Like so many trauma survivors, I hope that others can eventually open their hearts and minds, gaining the insight needed to support without judgment. For those who care for trauma survivors, I ask that you approach with humility and curiosity. Strive for a perspective based on understanding, ask questions, and be open to growth and change. Sometimes, things are not as they seem. Remember that rock formation — it reminds us that assumptions can obscure the truth.
Stay open, and stay curious.
Discrediting a person is a common behaviour from someone who feels afraid, shameful, or jealous. Sometimes it comes from sheer ignorance. To those who receive the misjudgment (discrediting) know what is being said is not true and trust that eventually the truth will come out and if the accused is innocent, they’ll be exonerated.
Childhood trauma survivors deal with discrediting often. It can come from the abuser themselves because it is a way to move the focus from them and onto the accuser. (aka Post Abuse Grooming) The intention is to cause doubt in the credibility of the accuser.
Sometimes discrediting comes from the abuser’s enablers who have believed in or were influenced by the abusers’ denial and DARVO tactics. When enablers discredit the survivor, they join the ranks of abuser because they emotionally abuse the same survivor.
Discrediting is cruel because it makes people shy away from supporting the survivor, which adds weight and length to their painful healing journey. Withholding support to a deeply wounded individual is inhumane. It is wrong and unchristian. Emotional abandonment like this is a form of emotional abuse.
Remember, it’s part of the healing process to name what happened. Naming provides essential clarity for trauma recovery. Many abuse survivors talk about what happened to them, and when they feel safe enough, name or identify the offender. We shouldn’t be shocked because abusive people hide in plain sight. They project one way to the outside world and a different way to their target – the one revealing their toxicity. Once the offender and the offence are identified, healing happens. Why? Because secrets are no longer carried by the survivor. Survivors are now able to see what happened, name it, and address it so that they can get on with the healing process and living their lives. For the record, as I write this, I have in mind sexual and physical abuse survivors.
Too often sexual abuse survivors were marinated in the dysfunction of others because their personal boundaries were crossed at an extreme level. Because of this, survivors knowing they are responsible for is not clear. Often by the time they are adults, they have been emotionally abused, psychologically manipulated, shamed, judged, guilt-tripped, discredited, demeaned, etc., to the point that they doubt themselves, who they are and usually, their own truth of what happened. Questioning their very Self is painful and for some… it can lead to the desire to unlive.
Healing involves learning to believe in your Self – trusting in your instincts, the unshakable knowledge of what happened to you, and naming it so that you know what you’re not responsible for. In doing so, you learn to trust yourself; you learn to credit yourself.
Clarity in trauma recovery can never be over-rated. This is especially so if you find yourself around people who discredit, criticize, and gaslight you. Learn to ignore these people and trust the healing process. Learn to trust You.
Childhood trauma causes medical and mental health issues. It is not something that can be ignored long term. That’s why working with a trauma-educated mental health professional who validates, listens, believes, encourages and does what they can to hold a safe, calm, yet brave space for those deeply wounded by the abuse is necessary.
We heal in a safe community.
I feel sorry for those who don’t understand the impact of interpersonal trauma, which is what childhood trauma is.
Doing the hard work at figuring out what has been underneath my health and social challenges has made a big difference in my life.
In the past I’ve felt frustrated and hurt that certain people didn’t bother to try to understand me and what I was going through. Now I release all this because I know it’s their choice to remain ignorant.
That said, there is no need to tolerate the misjudgments, criticism, false accusations, nor opinions based on ignorance. And when it’s done to silence me, this type of manipulation and bullying is even worse. While I understand this usually comes from some sort of fear and shame, that doesn’t mean I have to take it.
Why? It’s a form of emotional abuse and I will not allow myself to be abused and disrespected any more. Tolerating mistreatment is not showing loyalty to my own health and well being and it’s not showing loyalty to God. How so? God gave all of us the gift of life and free will including me. If I tolerate abuse, am I showing respect for my own gift of life – the one He gave me?
Knowing the physical damage that all abuse causes, I cannot with a clean conscience tolerate abusive speech. I will not allow my physical health to be compromised. It would be foolish for me to do so.
To restate what I said, I feel sorry for those who choose ignorance and deal treacherously with those who’ve been abused as children. God is watching and He’s listening.
I’ve come a long way in rebuilding my life and I won’t let anyone take away my joy and purpose. I choose peace.
If we consider ourselves amongst those who empathize, respect and dignify others, we interact with others with an underlying assumption that those we cross paths with are the same way. We project our own goodness onto others, assuming they’re like us.
In time we learn that nothing could be further from the truth. There are those who aren’t like us at all. These ones pretend enough “niceness” to manipulate people in order to get what they want. And they live among us, in our homes, places of employment, churches, social clubs, etc.
Abusers have a smooth and cunning way that can lead the listener to feel sorry for them. Whenever they feel threatened, like possibly being outed, the denial and wily psychological manipulation are amped up. This behaviour is called Anticipatory Grooming. They can make themselves appear spiritual, caring, right and nice to outsiders. It sounds devilish.
People who abuse others psychologically and emotionally are incapable of fellow feeling. Some can fake concern though. That is what makes it challenging – to see them for who they truly are and accepting that they won’t change.
Abusers are good at enlisting the help of enablers who talk and gossip amongst themselves, forming opinions that are not based on facts. They delude themselves and turn their backs on the abused. Sometimes the enablers join the abuser in the abuse, or the cover up. The gang mentality Is formed and the abuser is pleased he’s got more people under his control. The victim suffers unspeakable and immeasurable damage. Where can she go to feel safe?
It’s been a journey to accept that nefarious people are in my close circle or peripheral – lying and deceiving themselves and others. My abuser is still denying and his enablers are part of his cover-up. After five years of hanging onto a sliver of hope, it’s clear they won’t be open to the truth. It’s their choice to remain in the dark and to be deceived. Their ignorance is willful.
Post Abuse Grooming….that’s what it is.
Sadly, my situation is common, especially amongst families where there’s sibling abuse. They’ve deceived themselves and are trying to silence me.
This is a big reason why learning about the Grooming tactics of abusers is important.
I’ve made it easy to educate yourself by writing a book devoted to the subject of Grooming. In Identifying The Wolf, I unpack the four different types of that happen in three stages of the Grooming process.
Order your copy today through my website or Amazon.
Why did you let it happen?
In the past this question was either thought of or asked of one who survived sexual assault or sexual abuse. Perhaps the victim/survivor may have even asked themself the same question. Now it is offensive. It comes from a victim-shaming and victim-blaming mindset. Fortunately, society has come a long way. We have come to understand that in Intimate Partner Violence and child abuse cases, usually other abuses happened first, which escalated to physical violence. This pattern of behaviour is not much different when it comes to sibling sexual abuse [SSA]
Many chalk up sexual activity between siblings as normal curiosity, or harmless sexual exploration. Depending on the age [chronological and emotional], the frequency and the intent, this may be true. Yet, sibling sexual activity that goes beyond mere curiosity is more common that many realize. If one of them feels victimized, this can be traumatizing. The impact of SSA is equal to if not greater than other forms of sexual abuse. What is not usually considered is what went on between these siblings before the sexual activity.
This blog sheds light on the other abuses that may have laid the foundation.
When it comes to SSA I have not heard of cases where a sibling randomly starts touching another sibling’s private areas who are beyond the *exploring* developmental stage. Depending on the ages of the two, there are countless examples where coercion or trickery in the guise of games, experimenting, promises of toys/money/candy, etc., were used. These all duped the other sibling into complying.
Questions surface: How often were the siblings left alone? What about an older sibling’s *authority*? Was there emotional abuse like tattling, ridicule, belittling, etc, or threats of physical harm? What about physical abuse amongst the siblings? How often was there hitting, punching, pushing, slapping or even tickling? What about screaming, yelling or name-calling?
Emotional abuse and or physical abuse or threats of such can be used to lay the foundation for a sibling to submit to the sexual will of the other. One is clearly trying to dominate.
NOTE: When there is oppression and domination of any kind, this is not sibling rivalry, it is sibling abuse. Oppression is in the eyes of the beholder. It is not harmless.
Perhaps the one harmed experienced some physical pleasure of the autonomic nature, and the instigator said things like: “You enjoyed it; you could have stopped if you wanted to.” Words like these result in emotional shame and unwarranted guilt. The instigator shifts the blame away from self onto the other. So, the harmed sibling may continue to acquiesce – suffering deep emotional damage.
Perhaps the harmed sibling was told, ‘Mom or Dad won’t believe you if you tell’ or, “We’ll both get into trouble if you say anything”, adding to that, “if you tell I’ll punch your lights out”. Thus, more responsibility for the abuse is heaped onto the harmed sibling, resulting in further suffering. The pressure to remain silent is undeniable.
Almost always, there is some level of *preparation* that is used. For example, when trickery is used the targeted sibling may not feel manipulated until it’s too late. When physical or emotional abuse is used the one harmed may feel afraid and powerless to say No as shown above. These forms of grooming are designed to get the sibling to submit. Subsequently this creates complicit trauma because the harmed sibling believes they are willing participants. This results in tremendous shame. The psychological damage that ensues is unspeakable. I have listened to many SSA survivors and they share similar experiences – the sexual abuse came with physical and or emotional abuse from the same perpetrating sibling.
Truth is – SSA rarely stands alone as the only abuse the target sibling suffers. As demonstrated, SSA often comes with emotional and or physical abuse. Sibling sexual abuse is complicated, often a clustered abuse. Because of easy access, SSA can go on for months and years. There are stories of brothers who still attempt to rape sisters when both are adults, married with children. This shows that the offending sibling can view the other as an object for self-gratification. In cases like this it is all about power and control.
It is helpful to have the conversation on what’s going on where one sibling crosses the boundaries and disrespects the other.
Let’s be curious about what’s happening behind the scenes. Let’s remain open to the fact that sibling sexual abuse usually comes with emotional and/or physical abuse – a clustered abuse.
Let’s take the shame off the shoulders of the one who was harmed. They didn’t *let it happen*.
Lisa Hilton, CTRC-A, a sibling abuse survivor/thriver, is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach who supports adult survivors of childhood trauma Transform Travesty into Triumph. She works online with local and international clients.
www.hiltoncoachingconsulting.com.
