Thought about the word Home today, as I was walking around a bird sanctuary.

What feelings, emotions and thoughts come to mind when you hear the word, Home?

For me there is a sense of wholeness, peace, security, safety, calm, and contentment.

It hasn’t always been this way.

Because of being traumatized as a child, I don’t recall ever really pondering on what Home means to me until I became a mom.

You see, once a child is abused, in my case sexually and emotionally, that child is instantly changed from that moment on. Oprah said decades ago that once sexual abuse happens, it changes who you are. This is truth!

I recall feeling alone, isolated, different, not connected, awkward, unwanted, misunderstood, and unloved. I recall walking around the house as a little girl feeling so out of place and unnoticed (I was 1 of 6 children) Living with these feelings which are way too big for a little girl to comprehend or handle – what could I do with them? I held myself back in school, at home, in life; and I didn’t feel comfortable joining in nor had self confidence. I became very shy. I believed that the other kids could see that I was “different”. I was becoming isolated within, disconnected to myself – not feeling at home within and I didn’t have the language to talk about how I was feeling. Feelings – I don’t recall them every being discussed when I was growing up.

I didn’t realize then that shame had already taken root in every part of my being. Somehow because I felt so different, this “being different” felt awful and bad, so then I began to feel ashamed of myself. I believed that I was bad and dirty and so many other awful things. I truly believed that no one loved me and that I was unlovable.

This is how CSA impacts a little girl’s life.

What a burden to bear.

I never felt at home in my own skin- I hated myself. I never felt at home anywhere. I always felt out of place, awkward, shy, and insecure, felt and believed I didn’t belong.

Why share this personal story? So that you know if you feel or have felt this way, you are not alone. As you’re aware, this is only some of what childhood trauma does to a little child! And yet— there IS HOPE!

Now decades later and after doing a lot of trauma recovery work, these feelings are pretty much gone. Shame no longer rules my life. I am quite comfortable being me. I have a comfortable and safe life and have two outstanding sons – no bias here! Lol

Healing happens. It feels great to feel Home-inside-with me. I am Home. I am me. I am where I belong. I am free.

I am Lisa Hilton, CTRC-A, a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach – Advanced, and I support adult survivors of childhood and developmental trauma connect to who they are so they can live in freedom and authenticity. I support this Transformation of Travesty into Triumph. Book a Discovery Session today so you can get unstuck and learn how to become unshakable.

Looking out my living room window I see tree branches moving, I hear the wind blowing against my home, I see rain drops against the window, I see leaves fluttering by carried by the wind. These are signs of a storm and evidence of change.

This is proof that autumn has arrived here on the west coast of North America.

Autumn is a season of change, of letting go, or releasing what no longer is needed/serving and getting ready to slow down and rest while gathering strength for new growth come Spring. It is a time of fireplaces glowing, of sweaters and extra blankets, of hot beverages and sticking close to the fireplace, of wardrobe changes [out go the bathing suits and shorts and in comes the sweaters, scarves and rain boots].

Are you feeling this is happening in your life on a personal level right now? —- I sure do. Are you feeling the need to reassess yourself, your life, your goals, etc?—- I definitely am. So I choose to take the time needed for self-reflection, for reassessing, for re-alignment with my personal and professional goals. Take in that deep breath!

I am noticing some sadness and loss mixed with feelings of anticipation and the desire to “get prepared” all the while hearing a little voice that says, “be patient”.

Accepting and embracing these shifts/changes in life is not always easy, yet they happen whether we want them, acknowledge them or not.

What we resist, persists. I’ve learned the truth in this statement while in my own trauma recovery journey.

Resisting emotions as they surface, only causes more pain.

Resisting the need for rest and taking a break, only causes more anxiety and overwhelm.

Life is a force. When we resist its forward momentum, we cause ourselves suffering. Accepting where we are at this very moment is where we need to be; it eases suffering. Accepting and trusting your body is a huge step for childhood trauma survivors—yet it is freeing at the same time.

Letting go, letting the leaves go, releasing them to land where they may and loving and embracing the process of change is a way to love yourself.

You’ve got this.

FMS began its inception in the late 1980’s and by 1992 there was a foundation called FMSF. Founded by the parents of Jennifer Freyd, whose father, Peter, was accused by Jennifer’s husband, of sexually abusing Jennifer as a child. Peter and his wife, Pamela, went on the all out attack against their daughter taking her to court more than once and by co-creating this foundation that was supposed to investigate the allegations of abuse and support the perpetrators denial of guilt by implying that there were ‘false memories’ implanted into the outspoken victims by the therapists. Decades later [December 2019] this foundation has now gone belly up. Mostly likely due to the #MeToo movement which began in 2017. There has not really been any concrete scientific evidence that there is such a thing as FMS when it comes to sexual abuse. FMS has inflicted even more trauma unto a sexual abuse survivor.

Fortunately, today, MRI’s are revealing how devastating childhood sexual trauma is on the developing brain of a victim. In no way do these suggest that the memory of the abuse is false or fabricated in any way. What science now proves is that because abuse traumatizes the child, this causes the body to secrete stress hormones, which subsequently deeply entrench the memory of the abuse into the brain. The before and after of the abuse may not be remembered, but the traumatic event has been deeply implanted. Science now proves that abuse memories do not change as other memories do nor can they be manipulated. For the child to carry on with life, the traumatic events often must be shelved for life to carry on. This can result in Trauma Amnesia or Abuse Amnesia. It does NOT result in FMS nor is it proof thereof.

Interestingly, often, the vocal proponents of FMS are the ones who are in complete denial of the impact of abuse – either as the perpetrator or as the victim. So what does that alone tell us? If the guilty parties – the sexual offenders – are the ones who, by grabbing at straws, attempt to deflect or blow smoke by claiming FMS onto their accuser[s], isn’t that actually proof of their guilt? For these guilty ones to use FMS as their defence is unconscionable. It is DARVO behaviour.

Interestingly it is Jennifer Freyd who, due to her own persecution for telling her truth, coined this behaviour process, DARVO. I’ve written a blog on DARVO and I’ve made a video addressing this. It is an acronym that summarizes the behaviour of what the accused will do once they’ve been exposed. They will Deny the abuse or minimize it. These sexual predators will Attack the reputation of the accuser by implying mental illness or by fabricating stories that make it sound so preposterous that people lean towards believing the perp. Some perps have even attacked their accuser in person. Then there is Reverse Victim Offender role. This is where the perp will do their utmost to garner sympathy by twisting the truth around so that onlookers feel sorry for this poor individual or this poor family because now their reputation is in ruins.

DARVO is powerful if one is not savvy enough. You may be surprised how often it us played out in sexual abuse accusations, in politics, in families, etc. – anywhere where light is shed upon wrongdoing or criminal behaviour and the like. Once aware of this grooming tactic, I can promise you, you’ll see it everywhere. Often, my experience has shown that this behaviour is a sign of guilt.

Our hearts need to go out to the victims of these types of crimes. Haven’t they suffered enough?

SEPTEMBER 2021

LOOKING BACK today I can see how far I have come as now I am three years into my full-on trauma recovery.

Here I’ll share with you where I am today.

I am able to notice my nervous system sensitivity and adjust my schedule accordingly without the guilt and shame that used to be there. This may mean cancelling plans or rearranging my calendar and I have become OK with this.
I have made peace with my body and give it the grace, space and time needed to heal at its own pace and in the manner it needs to. My body has been through A LOT and I choose to honour my body, which encapsules my life- my identity, my feelings and emotions, my memories, my dreams, my hopes, my travesties and my triumphs.
I am able to remember more happy memories which helps me to see that my childhood wasn’t all scary, horrifying, nor bad.
I’ve made peace with and am letting go certain abuses that I experienced. This feels truly liberating!
I acknowledge the existing challenges that reman due to the abuse I suffered. I also acknowledge that there are those that yet may surface. I accept that my own trauma recovery is my own personal journey and is unique unto me. This brings me peace.
Accepting that the damage done to my nervous system is real and that it’ll take much more time to fully recover. I am at peace with this.
Learning that I can choose to let the truth of a situation manifest in its own time. It is not on my shoulders – the pressure to expose the wrongdoing. I can carry on in my life, working on myself and ensuring I’m safe so my healing can and will continue. At one time I felt so strongly the need to jump in and stick up for the underdog, to expose the injustice and call out what is wrong. This was because I know what it feels like to feel alone with no one having your back. Now I see the need to take my time, assess, decide whether my energy level output can tolerate a certain action. This means I am no longer living in a trauma response 24/7! Yes, I still care about injustices – that will never change – but I also see the need to pick my battles in a healthy, balanced way. [I fondly recall what a boss used to say: Ask yourself, is this the hill I want to die on today? – when I ask myself this, I am able to put things into perspective]

NEW BEHAVIOURS

I now say affirmations daily to parent the little Lisa inside – to tell her what she needed to hear and experience way back then. I tell the little me: I Love me, I Value me, I Appreciate me, I Accept me, I Acknowledge me, I Approve of me, I Adore me. Interestingly, after I say these slowly and intentionally so I can feel the meaning of these words in my core, I feel more calm and at peace. This is a way to truly honour little me and assure her/me that me/my existence matters. 😊
I journal nearly every day and continue to receive trauma recovery coaching regularly and my therapist as/when needed. I value my need for trauma recovery support and ensure that this is a sacred part of my healing journey.
Daily I literally open my arms and spreading them wide while closing my eyes and imagine love and kindness entering my heart. This helps me reprogram my body and spirit to let love in. This is done to counter the bodily stance that shame had me comport. I am cognizant to stand tall, stretch my torso and hold my head back. This gets met to walk the new self-talk of empowerment, healthy pride, self-worth and confidence. [shame gets the body to fold in on itself, hunching shoulders, lowering head, trying to stay small]
Practice mindfulness each day, when I wake up, when I lay down at night and at least once during the day. This is a self-check in to notice my body, what it needs, taking the time to listen how it’s feeling, etc.
I practice self-compassion daily with healthy self-talk of acceptance of who I am and where I am at and fully trust in God’s unconditional love and acceptance of me.

I’m not talking about transcendental meditation or any other type of meditation that involves anything hokey or Woo Woo type of stuff.
Mindful Mediation is about teaching your brain and your body to reconnect.

As Child Trauma survivors, we had to learn how to ignore or shelve away the awful emotions and feelings we had. Over time, we ended up being disconnected to the point we may have felt that we even lived on the outside of our lives, looking in. This is one of the many sensations of dissociation – that feeling of disconnection to self. Most of us have carried on, ignoring part of ourselves because we forgot that something was missing. Instead we may have felt an urge to go and ‘find ourselves’ through various means. And did you? Did I? find ourselves in this manner? Perhaps to an extent.

Now we are adults and are starting to notice various unhealthy patterns of behaviour or choices that do not make our lives better, or easier, or richer. Rather, we have ended up feeling even more on the outside, or more frustrated with the poor choices we have made, especially when it comes to relationships, and so on. Again, feeling more disconnected to what and who and where we want to be or think we should be.

Remember, we are human beings, not human doings. It is really hard to connect to ourselves when part of our life experiences are locked away and or forgotten. How can we feel really connected to another being if we are not even truly connected to ourselves?

This is where mindful meditation comes in. This practice allows us to gently reconnect to ourselves within. We may have spent so many years, perhaps decades not wanting to look inside. It’s scary, dark and we don’t think we’re going to like what we find. So meditation is labled as Silly or Stupid or hocus pocus kinda stuff. So what is it really that you’re afraid to find out about yourself? What is it that I am afraid to learn? We all have secrets and shame LOVES secrets.

Mindfulness practice allows us to build the skill to notice what’s going on inside, without judgement. Just notice, be curious, be open to that feeling or sensation or response that’s happening at the moment. We won’t notice until we’ve started the practice of deliberately noticing and learning to look within.

Start with one minute a day. Even before getting out of bed, notice where you are, where your body is, notice the feeling of the mattress supporting you. Notice the warm covers laying over top of you. Notice the air in the room, notice any aches or pains, notice if you feel anxious or notice if your thoughts are already starting to race or that you’re already wanting to get up and start the day. Just stay in that minute and notice. Take a few deep breathes and be thankful that you woke up, smile and then get up.

Start noticing. This is a mindfulness practice. This is a step forward in the trauma recovery journey of healing.

Have you reached a time in your life that certain behaviours or some mindsets aren’t quite working for you anymore? Are you noticing challenges socially, relationally, professionally? Have you hit a block somewhere and can’t seem to get past it? Are you finding that you are overly sensitive to criticism? Are you noticing that you are working with people who gaslight?

Because childhood trauma teaches us many lies, we as adult survivors have a lot of unpacking to do. One of these lies is that ‘I am unworthy – unlovable’.

This is due to the horrific violations and egregious acts that happened to us, our bodies, our psyche.
We felt bad, awful, yucky inside so we ended up thinking: If I feel bad then I must be bad. And so that deeply rooted lie gets implanted.

From this moment onward we become someone who doesn’t see self as being worth loving, not deeply, not unconditionally, not wholeheartedly. Often we feel like we are imposters, thinking that if people just knew who we really are, they’d know that we are a nobody, not worthy of respect, that the one huge flaw that you’ve spent all your energy hiding will be revealed and you’ll get hauled out on the carpet for it, exposed for the fraud that you think you are. Well, you are not alone.

One of the things that a Trauma Recovery Coach does is work with one to unpack these lies, break down the barriers that resisted the ‘other love’. Yes, we grow up being loved and even adored but be believing that lie above, we are unable to allow that in because of that lie that has become our ‘truth’.
Is it time for you see your worth? Is it time for you to love your self as you are created to do? Is it time for you to see your light as others do? Are you ready to do the work necessary so you can live life with less baggage, less self-imposed limitations, and more freedom?

When we have been abused physically, sexually, or emotionally as a child we don’t know what to do with the horrible feelings that we have inside of us.
At such a young age, our brains are still developing so we are unable to comprehend that we are being coerced, manipulated, shamed, dominated or groomed or being used and abused by what’s happening to us.

All we can notice is that we feel bad inside. Perhaps we feel a bit of terror or are frightened but we may not understand that there are other feelings going on too like: shock, dismay, powerlessness, victimized, vulnerable, perplexed, alienated, insecure, empty and so on. At a young age, we usually chalk this all up to feeling bad.

So if we can’t talk about what is going on inside our minds and what’s happening to us these unpleasant feelings become internalized and then we start believing that we are bad, that there is something inherently wrong with us, we are defective to our core.

This belief is the seed of shame. Shame means we believe that we are unworthy, that we are defective, that we don’t deserve anything good, that we are unlovable. We cannot separate doing something bad from feeling we are bad.

Imagine us, you as a little one carrying such a heavy burden. Self loathing and self abuse can then become our normal. A negative chatterer now lives in our heads and our belief systems of our worth and what we can contribute to our little worlds is deeply tarnished. We’ve lost our shine, our spark, our brilliance. And this is such a sad way to live.

As we become adults we develop characteristics that reveal our shame. And yet shame doesn’t like to be talked about nor ever mentioned. It is insidious yet its there in nearly everything we think, say and do. Shame manifests itself in many forms. It can be in our anger, our distrust of self and or others, it can show in how we hold ourselves back, it can show in our lack of self awareness, or perhaps we have a critical inner voice which also gets used towards others. It also manifests in our relationships with others – we may find ourselves attracted to abusive or emotionally distant partners, we may have a hard time relating to others on a deep level, we may be aloof or detached, have a fear of needing others, want to remain fiercely independent, and so on.

Are you in a place now where you are feeling stuck? Are you seeing patterns that are not working for you anymore? I’ve been there.

I’m here to share that these deep poisonous beliefs can be removed, eradicated and kicked to the curb in our lives. There IS hope for us childhood trauma survivors. We CAN change our thinking and thereby change our lives. Let’s travel this healing journey together. You are not alone.

Awareness of what happened to us as children [the abuse and neglect] and how it impacted life from the first incident [anchor trauma] onwards truly helps lessen the shame, blame, guilt that gets assimilated as a truth pertaining to one’s worthiness, lovableness and amount of shame. Yet, this isn’t a truth at all, is it? In fact, these are lies.

As healing happens, there is an *awakening* of sorts and part of this is realizing how one’s own traumatized or wounded brain plus social/relational underdevelopments have impacted others, especially those we love and want in our support circle. It’s important as we make this transition of awareness, that it is remembered that a wounded brain thinks and responds very differently to life’s ‘normal’ challenges. Frankly the wounded brain has parts that didn’t develop properly, some being overdeveloped [limbic system] and others being underdeveloped [hippocampus and prefrontal cortex]. And this is why trauma that happens in the developmental years is called Developmental Trauma.

This takes us to where understanding what happened to the body and mind helps lessen the pressure and judgement that is directed toward self. And with this, the ability to forgive oneself grows. Self-forgiveness is HUGE in trauma recovery. Facing this and learning how to forgive self helps kick the blame and guilt to the curb.

What better gift can you give yourself than this?

This means to hold in high regard or esteem, admiration given by others
Boundaries are all wrapped up in respect, respect for self first and then for others. After enduring CSA [childhood sexual abuse] at an early age, obviously I felt was something ‘off but couldn’t quite put a finger on what “it” is. I didn’t have the language to describe what I was feeling and noticing in my own body and psyche. So much of that has been blocked and locked up in my memory that only now am I starting to venture into this cache of not so nice memories.

I do recall, as I walked around the family home, feeling disconnected, not belonging, therefore, feeling unwanted and invisible. There was no respect there. My body wasn’t respected as being off limits to my first abuser. All of his excuses today for why don’t matter. It makes me ill to think that he has the gall to rationalize his sexual assault. And it makes me ill to think that some sibs have drank his Kool aid.
My emotional well being wasn’t respected either. Another memory – another brother thought it was funny to nickname me after a dog. I had to live with this ‘joke’ for years no matter how much I protested. Did my parents intervene? I don’t recollect that happened – if it did, obviously that wasn’t followed through on and no accountability was given. Another example of gaslighting – when I’d protest I was asked by this brother, ”What’s your problem? I am just joking!” How much more humiliation and shame did I have to carry? How much emotional abuse is a little girl supposed to swallow?

So how do I learn how to respect myself when I am not taught what respect looks like? I was taught obedience – Do as I say or you’ll get…. Is that respect? It doesn’t feel like it is, it feels like fear AND coercion instead.

Learning to respect myself, grasping that I deserve respectful treatment, after witnessing what respect looks like was a big thing for me. At first, being treated with respect was upsetting and triggering. I didn’t know what respect looked like nor felt like. It was odd, strange, unreal. Sad, isn’t it? I felt like an imposter, a poser, someone who was not worthy of esteem, respect, admiration. And now, I smile, because now I KNOW what respect looks like and feels like. It’s a beautiful thing, it still feels like a gift, something new that I need to open my heart to and let sink in. I still need to consciously work at allowing the respect to marinate my being sometimes – it is so easy to sluff off and not let it land on me in the right way. Spending decades wearing armour where love and respect and admiration and devotion were seen as missiles of pain and confusion rather than heaps of support and strength was something that I had to unlearn and relearn

Yes respecting self takes time and it’s well worth the work to get here.

As you know I’ve been reading more about Gaslighting lately and have come to learn that true Gaslighting is a type of communication that is done with the intent to create confusion and self doubt so the gaslighter can gain power or mastery over another, with the intent to wield power and control. Basically, what this means is that having this sense of power while destroying another individual gives them a “high” of some sort. Emotionally beating you down feeds their own fragile ego and insecurities. In the world of narcissism, it’s called being their ‘supply’. They need your submission and lack of confidence to “prove” their superiority over you.

Now I cannot read another person’s heart and I am careful about imputing wrong motives in an individual. However, I do know my own physiological response to various words and phrases that were said to me while growing up.
Here are some of the things that were said:

Oh, I didn’t say that!
Why would I say something like that?
Stop your whining.
Quit your whining.
It wasn’t that bad. S
top your complaining or belly aching.
You always make a big deal out of nothing.
You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
I said nothing of the kind.
Here we go again!
You’ve got it all wrong.
How could you think I’d do such a thing?
I never said that!
You’re such a baby.
You need to toughen up.
You’re too sensitive.
Oh, for Pete’s sake.
You’re blowing this out of proportion.
You’re just trying to get attention.
Your perspective is all skewed.
That’s not how I remember it.

These words still…. I can feel a sensation go up and down my spine when I recall some of these being said. Definitely a visceral response I have.

Now were these said to me purposely so that I doubt myself, so that I think that I am losing my perspective- that my experiences are not “right”? So that someone could have control over me/my thoughts, etc? Or were they said to me because the other person was in their own denial and or didn’t want to be held accountable for what they did? Or that they lacked emotional intelligence, or in such a state of disconnect that there is little or no empathy or compassion? Regardless of the reason why – the key is – the pain inflicted on the receiver is what causes trauma.

Trauma is not the event, it is the wounding that stems from the event or circumstance. As Gabor Mate says: Trauma isn’t what happened to you, it’s what happens INSIDE of you because of what happened to you.

Do you find saying these words to yourself – you may be gaslighting yourself.

*********

In other families or relationships victims of emotional abuse have heard the above and or the following and more:

I can’t stand the sight of you!
I wish you were never born.
If it wasn’t for you, I’d have ……..
I’m stuck here because of you!
Just be glad that I didn’t give you away!
I criticize you because I love you.
I am not arguing, I am discussing this with you…
You are crazy.
You’re such a loser.
You owe me.
You’re costing me money, raising you.

Reading this may be upsetting or triggering to you – so please pause and take a breath.

So what do you think? Have you experienced Gaslighting or would you call it Emotional Abuse? Either way – you may have noticed that it’s created a lot of self doubt, second guessing, insecurities, hesitancy, lack of confidence, an inner critic and other emotional or psychological challenges.

And that’s OK – it doesn’t mean that your bad or that you’ll never be able to heal from these wounds. Now is not the time to judge yourself harshly. What happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Healing starts with awareness.

There is hope. We can work through this together.

As a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach I offer 20-minute Discovery sessions if / when you are ready to move forward and are committed to your own trauma recovery process.

My name is Lisa Hilton and I am the founder and CEO of Hilton Coaching & Consulting. I coach, educate, consult. I work with adult survivors of childhood trauma and those suffering from Complex PTSD so they can Transform their Travesty into Triumph one step at a time.

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