I’m starting to learn about IFS – Internal Family Systems. In looking at my childhood trauma through an IFS lens I’m realizing that many childlike parts are dealing with the same burdens:
· There is too much to do
· There is too much to decide
· There is too much to *be*
By the last bullet I mean that I grew up not feeling loved unconditionally, not fully accepted for who I am – didn’t feel accepted for being me. This resulted in questioning myself – who am I, every day, where do I belong, why can’t I fit in, and with this came a lot of self judgement and self-condemnation. I didn’t know how to simply BE, didn’t know what that felt like. Or maybe that it was me, that I was just Too Much?
Now…these limiting beliefs – where they more than beliefs? Was I truly being treated this way or was it the shame stemming from childhood that led me to think I was being judged?
Well…..from what I see, from some individuals in what used to be a close circle, there is an unwillingness or an ignorance on how to develop empathy muscles. There is a claiming of understanding but the actions don’t align with the words. This has become more evident after I disclosed about the sexual abuse. Therefore, I’m seeing pain, shame, and judgment from others being projected onto me. The shame that I picked up from the sexual abuse plus this, caused a volleying back and forth of the unwarranted shame within interpersonal relationships. It’s been exhausting.
I will no longer play the shame-volleying game. Shame doesn’t look good on me. It’s not my burden. 😊 Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I recall years ago we had people over for a backyard BBQ and a guest said: “Your family doesn’t appreciate who you are, do they?” I smiled. I’m sure you can imagine how it felt to be truly seen in that moment. My whole body sighed. I felt so moved by this awareness, by this unsolicited comment. Aware people notice.
During my trauma recovery journey, I have stopped the FAWNING. I got tired of contorting myself into being what I felt and thought others wanted. Now, the only approval that matters is God’s, with a healthy balanced sense of self-acceptance, self-approval, self-love and self-appreciation that follows. After so much self-loathing this last sentence sometimes appears and feels a bit self-centered to me. Sigh.
Every child deserves to see their parents’ eyes light up when they enter a room. Every child needs to feel fully welcomed and cherished – feel in their core that their existence matters. They need to feel their parents’ arms around them hugging them and protecting them. They need to feel nurtured and protected. I give the little ones inside me this kind of unconditional love now. As their hearts become filled with goodness my outlook becomes less rigid, more loving and gentler. Healthy self-worth helps me to live connected to who I am and how I want to show up in life – who I choose to be. A load has been lifted. Shift happens.
Humility and humanity remind us that we all hurt others unknowingly at times. Still, for civility, for connection, for peace and for healing, we need to own what we’ve done. In life, it is not a matter of if we will hurt or offend others, it’s a matter of when. So, what will we do when that happens – when someone shares that what we’ve said or done is hurtful? Even if we don’t agree, what is the healthful and loving way to respond? What will make way for relationship repair?
How many do you know who willingly admit their mistakes? How do you feel when you see someone be humble like this? It can draw you, right?
An unwillingness to listen says a lot about a person. Often a refusal to listen, own and apologize comes from feelings of toxic shame and the fear of being swallowed up by such if there is an admittance. The individual would then be forced to face the unhealthy toxic shame and the self-condemnation that exists within, so avoidance becomes a way of life. Pointing fingers becomes a way of life.
Being curious, asking questions is a great way to open the door to healing. It’s a way to kick the shame monster down to size – for all parties involved.
- Unhealthy communication is a choice.
- Feeling emotions is a choice.
Many don’t understand that childhood trauma survivors can’t have it both ways. Either the body is allowed to experience emotions – all emotions – or it is not. Period. There is no cherry picking of what the body can do re: emotions. The body cannot distinguish between pleasant and unpleasant emotions. To the body and nervous system all emotions are sensations, energy. It doesn’t label any as good or bad. So, when an individual forces self to stop feeling *unpleasant* emotions, the body has to dissociate, to disconnect from ALL emotions. As a result, the body cannot feel the *pleasant* emotions either.
It's really that simple and that complicated.
Therefore, nearly all childhood trauma survivors have fears and challenges connecting to their feelings and emotions. Doing this work is scary and triggering. The words UNSAFE flash before the eyes like huge neon signs. With the right support these ones can learn to feel emotions little by little – gently dipping the toe in. I have memories of being made fun of because of my feelings and other times my feelings were used against me – to manipulate me, to dominate me, to gaslight me. It wasn’t safe.
Yes, trauma recovery requires safety. “Safety is defined by feeling safe and not simply removal of threat.” – Stephen Porges.
The question is – is it safe for me to be in my own power? Is it safe for you to be in your own power? Is it safe to be around you, around me? Is it safe to simply BE?
Where I stand today, May 18, 2022, the answer is a resounded loud YES!!! It feels good to experience autonomy, to experience and live in my own free will. I do not need others’ approval to live fully. I accept me as I am, I love me as I am and I am convinced that God loves me as I am. 😊 I am happy to be me. I am not too much. There is not too much to BE.
I also accept others for the way they are too. If needed, I can love certain ones from afar to maintain my own sense of inner safety, without guilt. This is self-regulation for me. This is self-protection.
As a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach I am in my own journey of healing. I am also trained to support others in theirs. It is my passion to support childhood trauma survivors transform their travesty into triumph.
You are not alone.
Sending love and acceptance to you all.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LEFT …..
D
A
N
G
L
I
N
G
?
I have….. many times, literally and metaphorically.
Have you noticed how this impacts your nervous system?
This is a recent epiphany for me – today in fact.
Left Dangling – As a childhood trauma survivor I’ve experienced this on different levels. I’ve addressed many of my traumas, and this new one about dangling surfaced. This is a new realization of what my body and nervous system endured in the past.
Left dangling \ hanging evokes feelings of abandonment, rejection, fear, unworthiness, and confusion. Definitely there is a sense of powerlessness. One’s sense of justice cries out. It is a tool, when used intentionally by the perpetrator, to get their need for power and control met. This happens in private life and in professional life – it can happen in every relationship.
How was I left Dangling, literally? Well…. And here is a Trigger warning:
Before I was 3, an abuser led me to a 2nd story bedroom and dangled me outside, upside down, by the ankles. I have no visual recollection of this event. HOWEVER, my nervous system most certainly does. How do I know this happened?
When I confronted this same abuser about memories of something sexual done to me he said something like: Don’t you remember me hanging you upside down outside…… window? I thought you’d remember that more than this.
This makes sense why in July 2018 I had such a physiological response to his religious abuse. I felt absolutely terrorized and frightened out of my mind by him and this experience. My nervous system registers him as unsafe.
The dangling — I see now how it showed up in the decisions I’ve made – of my insatiable need to know, to understand so that I have clarity and am not left behind, not left *hanging/dangling*. Confusion itself can be a trigger for me. This fear of dangling, of not having the support I need, the knowledge I believe I need, spurs me on to keep reaching forward until this need is met. My nervous system sees this as a matter of life or death….and it is not something that can be reasoned away, unfortunately – not when I’m feeling that dangling feeling.
When I look back, there are pivotal times in my life where I was left dangling, without support. These were events that were big in my life as a little girl. And when a little girl is left, abandoned emotionally, what message does she receive?
Abuse alone makes one feel isolated and alone. It terrifies. The psychological damage that emotional neglect (abandonment/left dangling) evokes is more damaging than the physical or sexual abuse itself. The feeling of betrayal is deep…. Deep….. Deep.
It truly is amazing how childhood experiences show up later in life.
Healing requires the conscious brain to acknowledge what the body and nervous system experienced – that the events which evoke these feelings…. happened. The mind / body connection exists, and childhood trauma survivors have often developed a disconnect between these two.
I tell my clients – You have to Name it to Tame it.
And as a fellow trauma survivor I too must walk my talk. Trauma recovery requires acknowledgement of what happened [each time I somatically acknowledge an event such as described above I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me. My body has a physiological response, and I need days to recover] Therefore, I must name the experience[s], gently sit in the feelings that arise and use this as an opportunity for self-compassion, self-understanding, and if needed, self-forgiveness. It is not about pointing fingers or assigning blame. After I do this, the unpleasant feelings dissipate, and inner peace arrives. These are replaced by feelings of love, acceptance, compassion, appreciation, and PEACE! This is what makes trauma recovery worth the work.
I admit, healing is messy. Here I am 3.5 years into the hardest work I’ve ever done. Current life challenges that we all experience, always have connections to the past if some parts of the past are unresolved. Detoxing from the past is ongoing. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, and I see this as a good thing.
Feeling some of the pain does not mean one is weak.
Rather it requires tremendous strength and courage to face unknowns or terrorizing and humiliating experiences. Yet you don’t have to relive them.
Having a compassionate witness to sit with, to offer validation, encouragement, support, comfort, and provide some navigating ideas…. All this helps the childhood trauma survivor keep doing the healing work.
We ALL need that one close, heart to heart connection. We ALL need to feel attuned to, to feel validated. THIS is where healing happens. If you have more than one such connection, then please consider yourself blessed.
Life carries on. It is not fun nor fulfilling sitting in the sidelines. Trauma survivors often feel like observers of life instead of participants. They want and need more – to keep moving forward – to keep on climbing. We all are designed to feel and experience joy. We need to feel free, to live the life we love, to feel exhilaration – authenticity. As a childhood trauma survivor, I can confidently say: it’s worth ALL the work.
You are NOT Alone.
THIS is also what I offer my clients. I have lived experience in Childhood Trauma. I get it.
~Compassion
~Acceptance
~Safety
~Attunement
My CASA Method of Coaching
I sit WITH you. I’m here.
This IS MY SUPERPOWER.
Throughout my teen years and early adulthood, I carried a fragmented memory—something that happened when I was about four or five, something I didn’t have language for at the time. It involved a sibling. It lived in my body before it had words.
Later, when I finally learned the term molestation, that memory clicked into place. It had a name.
Years later, at 29, I was doing a roleplay exercise where I spoke to my “father”—addressing the unspoken pain. I asked him why he spent so much time warning us about stranger danger, yet failed to protect me from his own son. The danger wasn’t outside. It lived inside our home.
A few weeks after that, I confronted my brother. I asked him if he remembered what happened. He nodded yes.
His response? “I’m sorry this still upsets you.”
It wasn’t accountability. It wasn’t remorse. It was deflection. It was blame-shifting.
Then he brought up something else—another event I hadn’t consciously remembered. He asked if I recalled the time when he hung me upside down out of an upstairs window. I didn’t—at least, not visually. But decades later, my nervous system would remember.
At the time, I didn’t fully grasp what was missing in his reaction. But now I see it: he didn’t understand the seriousness, the criminal nature, or the lasting physiological damage of what he’d done. He didn’t comprehend the boundary that was crossed—how that violation would echo through my developing brain, nervous system and sense of self. Not understanding as a child is one thing. But as an adult, it becomes a choice—and that choice causes harm.
His apology then was hollow. There was no grief in his voice. No recognition of the harm, no act of repair. No weight. Just words.
How does a toddler grow up feeling safe when she has to eat dinner each night beside her abuser?
How does a child build trust when her pain is minimized, when the grownups she turns to fail to protect her?
The truth is: she doesn’t.
And that’s the journey I’ve been on ever since—navigating life with wounds I didn’t ask for, which impacted everything that I did and choices I made going forward. Even with this monumental handicap I tried. I tried in school; I tried in life – doing my best to understand my story, to be a good mother, a loving wife, a person my God would be proud of.
It took me years to realize the quiet thread woven through every choice I made:
I never felt safe.
Not in my home. Not in my body. Not in the world.
Part of my healing now is just learning what safe feels like.
Letting it in.
Teaching my body that it no longer has to brace itself.
Learning to welcome calm without mistaking it for danger.
As a child, I was teased relentlessly. Called names meant to humiliate. Mocked. Hit. Shamed. The psychological abuse was ongoing. Home life wasn’t easy. I even attempted to unlive at 15 years old. And when I finally asked for help—when I told my parents about the abusive behaviour (the punching and name calling) —the interventions never touched the root of the abuse.
The message was clear: Lisa’s feelings don’t matter. Lisa doesn’t deserve respect. Lisa doesn’t matter.
But that message isn’t truth.
It was trauma.
And I’m happy to say that I get to write a different one now.
Sibling Abuse: A Wound That Doesn’t Expire
Sibling abuse—whether sexual, emotional, psychological, or physical—leaves deep complex scars that can last a lifetime. Its impact is shaped by many factors: how early it began, how long it lasted, and—perhaps most importantly—whether the survivor received meaningful emotional support. Without that support, the harm compounds.
In my case, the sibling who sexually abused me was 8.5 years older. I was just four.
Was he under 18? Yes.
Did he understand that what he was doing was sexual assault? In 1968, likely not in those terms.
But did he know it was wrong? Yes—because he locked the door.
That memory haunted me for years. I’ve searched for answers that never arrived.
Was he exposed to pornography? Was he abused himself? I don’t know.
What I do know is that a couple of years later, a cousin came to live with us, sibling-like. She was a few years older than me—and she sexually abused me, too.
It’s no surprise I dissociated.
How else can a child survive in a home that’s not emotionally, physically, or psychologically safe?
Where Safety Should Have Been
As we know, abuse of any kind doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Anyone can Google and learn what the factors are that makes fertile soil for sibling abuse of any kind. There are always enablers and enabling circumstances. Things like unaddressed trauma in the caregivers, a patriarchal environment, parental neglect or emotional unavailability, failure to intervene, denial or minimization of situations or events, fear of consequences (shaming punishment), power imbalances, exposure to pornography, emotional illiteracy, and more.
I am aware that decades ago mental health and emotional trauma weren’t part of everyday conversations. Most families didn’t have the resources or understanding to recognize the signs of childhood trauma. Nor was there education for how to offer what parents never received emotionally themselves. As is said, it takes a village to raise a child, but I’ve also learned this: it also takes a village to abuse one.
Unfortunately, the family of origin’s emotional constipation—however unintentional—compounds the trauma.
There was no safety net. I felt. No protective or affectionate gaze. When I looked into others’ eyes, I saw shame, frustration, overwhelm, and judgement. Without the proper emotional education, there was no acknowledgment of harm. I never saw love.
Because of that, I grew up believing I didn’t belong anywhere. The message I received from my experiences was that I wasn’t fully accepted—even in my own family.
Until I began studying trauma, I just assumed something was wrong with me.
A Thousand Tiny Echoes of Abuse
There were other signs, too:
- I struggled in school—socially and academically
- I had difficulty processing what I read and sometimes misheard things.
- I was awkward and painfully shy.
- I believed, with quiet certainty, that I was ugly and unlovable.
That’s what abuse whispers to a child:
You’re unworthy. You’re insignificant. You’re fundamentally wrong. You’re unlovable. It’s all your fault.
Interpersonal trauma including emotional neglect—especially when it happens in childhood—disrupts more than cognition. It affects how we relate, attach, communicate, and trust. The brain’s development is severely impacted. The cumulative effect is staggering.
And still, the biggest truth—the elephant in the room—is this:
I was sexually assaulted by my own siblings.
And it changed me in every way imaginable.
Breaking the Silence—and the Fallout That Followed
In 2019, I shared the truth with the rest of my siblings. I told them what happened. What he did.
What I’d carried. Although he had admitted it to me—and confessed doing something to me that was “reckless” to two of his three wives—he immediately began backpedaling.
He denied it to some and minimized it to others. He twisted the story. Painted me as the villain, as if I were “ruining his life.”
He even wrote: “I shouldn’t have to pay for the rest of my life for one non-malicious act.”
That sentence says everything.
No remorse. No accountability. No understanding of what it means to violate a child’s body, to fracture a family, to carry that wound into every corner of a life.
The Aftershocks
I’ve learned this:
When abusers lose the ability to control their victims physically, they often shift tactics. Psychological manipulation. Denial. DARVO. Grooming others to see them as the “real victim” and to doubt the accuser. Talk about cold-heartedness.
And the shame? It doesn’t just land on the survivor. It becomes part of every family member. And it poisons relationships, corrodes trust, fractures families. His refusal to take responsibility created a ripple effect. And now the rest of his biological family are left sorting through the wreckage. The thing is, who of them is willing to do the work of sorting?
Because when a secret like this comes into the light, it doesn’t just shatter silence.
It shatters illusions. And people don’t always react well when the story they’ve clung to falls apart.
It was difficult to witness the resistance to the truth amongst the siblings. That they just didn’t want to believe me. Rather, they took his side as evidenced by believing his denial and minimizations. They wanted to believe it wasn’t true, so they allowed their ears to be tickled and not cling to the truth. They abandoned me while inviting this abuser brother into their lives and homes to visit. This emotional abandonment is another form of abuse. It hurt worse that the sexual assault.
Owning the Truth, Finding the Light
Spending over five decades hiding the truth fractured me in ways I couldn’t keep living with. The denial, disconnection, and dysfunction became too heavy. That path—the one paved with silence—only leads to self-destruction.
And yet, I understand why people choose it.
Isn’t it easier to pretend it didn’t happen?
To minimize it? Ignore it?
To side with the abuser’s version—because facing the truth means confronting shame, guilt, blame, and powerlessness?
But silence has a cost. And eventually, it comes due. Just because I’ve come to learn that individuals can only meet you where they’re at – at their own capacity, doesn’t mean that how they all responded was right or acceptable. And I will not pretend the abuse never happened ever again. Their comfort, their feelings, are not my responsibility.
When I first disclosed, I received messages from siblings expressing shock, concern, support. They asked how they could help. I gave them all the same answer:
Educate yourself.
On child abuse. On sibling abuse. On DARVO. Learn the pattern. Learn the impact.
With that I hoped. I hoped they would show me—not just with words, but with sustained understanding. Then they’d be able to support me with knowledge and insight, and, above all, with compassion.
But for the most part, that follow-through never came. Not after they asked the abuser brother of it was true…and they chose to believe him.
There’s a familiar family dance when it comes to discomfort:
“If we don’t talk about it, it’ll go away.
If we avoid the tension long enough, maybe everything can go back to normal.”
But that isn’t healing. That’s avoidance. And avoidance silences the survivor. It dishonors the wound. It creates toxicity instead of resolution.
By the time someone finally offered to truly listen, the abandonment had already done its damage. I asked that sibling what they’d be willing to do to help me feel safe. That was in August 2019.
I’m still waiting for a reply.
Yes, a few have reached out since. But their words proved hollow—kind, perhaps, but not connected to empathy or action. It seems they don’t want to do the emotional and self-awareness work.
Because compassion isn’t lip service.
Compassion starts with empathy, which means to suffer with. To feel with. To stay present.
And after years of being gaslit, dismissed, mocked, ignored… my brain and nervous system are still protecting me. They do not feel safe with them. I’ve learned the signs I missed before. Until there is clear, consistent, and courageous effort to repair, I must keep my distance. Their criticism, judgment and somehow making what I’m going through to be about them needs to stop.
Before any relationship can evolve, the elephant in the room must be acknowledged.
There’s a line from Sibling Abuse: Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma that struck+ me like lightning:
“Emotional abuse, as the child abuse literature states, is more prevalent and potentially even more destructive than other forms of child abuse.”
Emotional neglect doesn’t just hurt—it erodes identity. It teaches you that your existence is too much, or not enough. That who you are is somehow undeserving.
And now, fMRI studies are showing what survivors have always known in their bones: emotional neglect causes damage to the brain that rivals sexual abuse.
The little girl inside still sometimes asks:
Where was my mother? Why didn’t my father protect me?
Was I not lovable enough? Didn’t I matter?
Yes, my mom occasionally scolded a brother or two. But it didn’t stop the abuse. It didn’t make the home safe. And the failure to ensure home was safe and nurturing rang louder than any words.
Trauma experts agree:
The best way to heal childhood trauma is through safe, consistent emotional connection.
Not silence.
Not distance.
Not denial.
And yet—even with all this—I am healing.
I have cried. Prayed. Grieved. Drowned in toxic shame. I’ve stumbled, faltered. I kept picking myself up and kept going.
And I’ve come a long, long way.
I’ve stopped waiting for family to become who I needed. Eventually I learned to let that hope go. I’ve made peace with the idea that they may never understand. This is between them and God.
Instead, I anchor myself to the ones who do:
- Those who have listened without judgment.
- Those who have sat with my tears.
- Those who’ve stayed steady when I’ve felt anything but.
- Those who’ve said, I believe you, and mean it.
They are my blessings.
They are a provision.
They are the answer when I pray for direction—and the reply comes, “Not them. Not now. I am what you need.”
And trust me, I’ve had many very dark moments. I’ve wrestled with monsters and made peace with my past.
I no longer feel unworthy or unlovable.
I don’t carry shame for my wounds or guilt for how others respond to my truth.
Their behaviour is theirs. I choose peace.
I’ve learned that shame often hides behind anger or fear or hurt.
That cruel or dismissive comments and criticism are often propelled by guilt—or ignorance.
And ignorance?
That’s a choice.
Because it’s easier to attack the whistleblower than to face the truth. And I am so tired of being criticized by them.
But I will keep telling my story. I am not ashamed of what happened to me. I am not ashamed of my story. The shame isn’t mine – it’s theirs.
Because I know what it feels like to be the only one in the room carrying the weight of the truth.
And I don’t want other survivors of sibling abuse or childhood trauma to feel as alone as I once did.
I choose to walk beside others as they navigate the winding path toward healing. It is an honor. A sacred trust.
And I want you to know this:
You are not alone in your healing journey.
Thank you for holding space for mine.
Lisa Hilton, CTCP-A, a Trauma & Resilience Specialist, walks along adult survivors of childhood trauma, post therapy, so they can reach their healing goals and live their life joyously shackle free.
To answer this question, it would be helpful to be clear on how therapy and coaching support those who’ve suffered and survived egregious violations.
- Therapy is a necessary component to trauma recovery. Like any serious injury one goes to hospital or trauma centre to make sure the severe injuries are addressed first. Likewise with an emotional injury – one would go to a specialist to address the initial critical wounds of the abuse. This would be a therapist, psychologist, counsellor, psychiatrist, etc. These mental health professionals can diagnose.
- Once this critical situation is addressed the person then leaves the hospital but usually has some sort of physiotherapy so that support is in place for adaptation to living, thus learning the right skills to cope and manage life going forward. This is where Trauma Recovery Coaching [TRC] comes into focus.
- TRC focuses on providing support for current challenges, with a trauma-educated lens by offering healthier coping strategies, healthy communication skills, supporting greater self-awareness and self-compassion, which increases self-confidence and self-worth so that life can be lived in freedom and authenticity. We do not diagnose.
- Interpersonal trauma needs healthy interpersonal relationships to heal. TRC provides that safe place and space for you to experience a healthy relationship where you can begin to trust, to get clear on what happened and its impact in your present life plus re-connecting and re-discovering who you are.
Does this sound like something that would help you? Do you think you are ready for this next step?
First you need to know where you are at now in your healing journey. Have you had some therapy and or have healed to a certain level and reached a point where you could use some extra support in this next phase of trauma recovery? Have you taken your ACEs test? What is your score? https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/
How well do you know yourself?
- Are you finding that you are feeling stuck?
- Are caught up in the *doom loop* thinking?
- Do you hold yourself back from making certain decisions?
- Do you find that you’re making the same unhealthy relationship choices? Or would classify yourself as relationship-challenged?
- Do you want to increase your self-esteem?
- Do you find that TRUST is a big challenge for you?
- Are you finding that previous coping strategies are no longer serving you?
- Do you second-guess yourself?
- Do you want to have more self-confidence?
- Are you noticing that you struggle with procrastination or struggle to complete a task/project?
- How is your patience level – with self and others?
- Are you a perfectionist?
- Do you prefer to not be noticed?
- How are your communication skills?
- Do you tend to take on the guilt of a situation even when it is not really your fault?
- Do you think you are just *not good enough*?
- Is there a part of you that believes there is something seriously wrong with you?
- Are you fed up with your life the way it is now and long for a better quality of living – where there is more authenticity and a sense of freedom?
- Have you been diagnosed [through self or a MH professional] that you have Complex PTSD.
If you’ve answered YES to a lot of these questions, then Trauma Recovery Coaching may be the appropriate next step for you at this time.
If you are ready to proceed with a Discovery Call, these questions are very important for you to be clear on so you can feel right that this is the best next step for you.
- What exactly has brought you here at this time? (What outcome or recovery goals are you hoping for if we work together?”)
- What do you hope to get out of a Discovery Call? (Do you have particular questions/concerns or want help figuring out what you should be doing or want to work with me specifically or….?”)
- Why are you looking for help? Not simply what problem you’re looking to solve but WHY? (What does this problem / hoped for solution mean to you?”)
- What objections or concerns do you have? (Maybe there’s none; maybe there’s 30…lay ’em on me”)
- Is there anything about you that feels important for me to be aware of? (Preferred pronouns, ethnicity, cultural background, sexual orientation, spirituality, particular experiences….”)
- How committed and ready are you to do the hard work at healing from your trauma?
- What do you want to know about me [that is not on my web site] that will help you decide to take the next step?
When booking the Discovery Session please e-mail your answers to these 7 questions, giving me 48 hrs minimum, to review before we have our Discovery Session. I want to be on the same page as you for our session. [feel free to copy/paste these questions]
I look forward to hearing from you!
Lisa B Hilton is an Advanced Certified Trauma Recovery Coach [CTRC-A] who supports Adult survivors of childhood trauma Transform their Travesty into Triumph.
Thought about the word Home today, as I was walking around a bird sanctuary.
What feelings, emotions and thoughts come to mind when you hear the word, Home?
For me there is a sense of wholeness, peace, security, safety, calm, and contentment.
It hasn’t always been this way.
Because of being traumatized as a child, I don’t recall ever really pondering on what Home means to me until I became a mom.
You see, once a child is abused, in my case sexually and emotionally, that child is instantly changed from that moment on. Oprah said decades ago that once sexual abuse happens, it changes who you are. This is truth!
I recall feeling alone, isolated, different, not connected, awkward, unwanted, misunderstood, and unloved. I recall walking around the house as a little girl feeling so out of place and unnoticed (I was 1 of 6 children) Living with these feelings which are way too big for a little girl to comprehend or handle – what could I do with them? I held myself back in school, at home, in life; and I didn’t feel comfortable joining in nor had self confidence. I became very shy. I believed that the other kids could see that I was “different”. I was becoming isolated within, disconnected to myself – not feeling at home within and I didn’t have the language to talk about how I was feeling. Feelings – I don’t recall them every being discussed when I was growing up.
I didn’t realize then that shame had already taken root in every part of my being. Somehow because I felt so different, this “being different” felt awful and bad, so then I began to feel ashamed of myself. I believed that I was bad and dirty and so many other awful things. I truly believed that no one loved me and that I was unlovable.
This is how CSA impacts a little girl’s life.
What a burden to bear.
I never felt at home in my own skin- I hated myself. I never felt at home anywhere. I always felt out of place, awkward, shy, and insecure, felt and believed I didn’t belong.
Why share this personal story? So that you know if you feel or have felt this way, you are not alone. As you’re aware, this is only some of what childhood trauma does to a little child! And yet— there IS HOPE!
Now decades later and after doing a lot of trauma recovery work, these feelings are pretty much gone. Shame no longer rules my life. I am quite comfortable being me. I have a comfortable and safe life and have two outstanding sons – no bias here! Lol
Healing happens. It feels great to feel Home-inside-with me. I am Home. I am me. I am where I belong. I am free.
I am Lisa Hilton, CTRC-A, a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach – Advanced, and I support adult survivors of childhood and developmental trauma connect to who they are so they can live in freedom and authenticity. I support this Transformation of Travesty into Triumph. Book a Discovery Session today so you can get unstuck and learn how to become unshakable.
Looking out my living room window I see tree branches moving, I hear the wind blowing against my home, I see rain drops against the window, I see leaves fluttering by carried by the wind. These are signs of a storm and evidence of change.
This is proof that autumn has arrived here on the west coast of North America.
Autumn is a season of change, of letting go, or releasing what no longer is needed/serving and getting ready to slow down and rest while gathering strength for new growth come Spring. It is a time of fireplaces glowing, of sweaters and extra blankets, of hot beverages and sticking close to the fireplace, of wardrobe changes [out go the bathing suits and shorts and in comes the sweaters, scarves and rain boots].
Are you feeling this is happening in your life on a personal level right now? —- I sure do. Are you feeling the need to reassess yourself, your life, your goals, etc?—- I definitely am. So I choose to take the time needed for self-reflection, for reassessing, for re-alignment with my personal and professional goals. Take in that deep breath!
I am noticing some sadness and loss mixed with feelings of anticipation and the desire to “get prepared” all the while hearing a little voice that says, “be patient”.
Accepting and embracing these shifts/changes in life is not always easy, yet they happen whether we want them, acknowledge them or not.
What we resist, persists. I’ve learned the truth in this statement while in my own trauma recovery journey.
Resisting emotions as they surface, only causes more pain.
Resisting the need for rest and taking a break, only causes more anxiety and overwhelm.
Life is a force. When we resist its forward momentum, we cause ourselves suffering. Accepting where we are at this very moment is where we need to be; it eases suffering. Accepting and trusting your body is a huge step for childhood trauma survivors—yet it is freeing at the same time.
Letting go, letting the leaves go, releasing them to land where they may and loving and embracing the process of change is a way to love yourself.
You’ve got this.
I am Lisa Hilton, CTRC-A, a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach – Advanced, and I support adult survivors of childhood and developmental trauma connect to who they are so they can live in freedom and authenticity. I support this Transformation of Travesty into Triumph. Book a Discovery Session today so you can get unstuck and learn how to become unshakable.
FMS began its inception in the late 1980’s and by 1992 there was a foundation called FMSF (False Memory Syndrome Foundation). Founded by the parents of Jennifer Freyd, whose father, Peter, was accused by Jennifer’s husband, of sexually abusing Jennifer as a child. Peter and his wife, Pamela, went on the all-out attack against their daughter taking her to court more than once and by co-creating this foundation that was supposed to investigate the allegations of abuse and support the perpetrators denial of guilt by implying that there were ‘false memories’ implanted into the outspoken victims by the therapists. Decades later [December 2019] this foundation has now gone belly up. Mostly likely due to the #MeToo movement which began in 2017. There has not really been any concrete scientific evidence that there is such a thing as FMS when it comes to sexual abuse. FMS has inflicted even more trauma unto a sexual abuse survivor.
Fortunately, today, fMRI’s are revealing how devastating childhood sexual trauma is on the developing brain of a victim. In no way do these suggest that the memory of the abuse is false or fabricated. What science now proves is that because abuse traumatizes the child, this causes the body to secrete stress hormones, which subsequently deeply entrench the memory of the abuse into the brain. The before and after of the abuse may not be remembered, but the traumatic event has been deeply implanted. Science now proves that abuse memories do not change as other memories do nor can they be manipulated. For the child to carry on with life, the traumatic events often must be shelved in order for life to carry on. This can result in Trauma Amnesia or Abuse Amnesia. It does NOT result in FMS nor is it proof thereof. [Peter Levine, Trauma and Memory]
Interestingly, often, the vocal proponents of FMS are the ones who are in complete denial of the impact of abuse – either as the perpetrator or as the victim. So what does that alone tell us? If the guilty parties – the sexual offenders – are the ones who, by grabbing at straws, attempt to deflect or blow smoke by claiming FMS onto their accuser[s], isn’t that proof of their guilt? For these guilty ones to use FMS as their defence is unconscionable. It is DARVO behaviour.
Interestingly it is Jennifer Freyd who, due to her own persecution for telling her truth, coined this behaviour process, DARVO. I’ve written a blog and I’ve made a video addressing this. I’ve also dedicated several pages in my book, Identifying The Wolf Shedding Light on the Grooming Behaviours of Sexual Predators, to this. It is an acronym that summarizes the behaviour of what the accused will do once they’ve been exposed. They will Deny the abuse or minimize it. These sexual predators will Attack the reputation or intention of the accuser by implying mental illness or by fabricating stories that make it sound so preposterous that people lean towards believing the perp. Some perps have even attacked their accuser in person or threaten to. Then there is Reverse Victim Offender role. This is where the perp will do their utmost to garner sympathy by twisting the truth around so that onlookers feel sorry for this poor individual or this poor family because now their reputation is in ruins.
DARVO is powerful if one is not savvy enough. You may be surprised how often it us played out in sexual abuse accusations, in politics, in families, in organizations, etc. – anywhere when light is shed upon wrongdoing or criminal behaviour and the like. Once aware of this grooming tactic, I can promise you, you’ll see it everywhere. Often, my experience has shown that this behaviour is a sign of guilt.
Our hearts need to go out to the victims of these types of crimes. Haven’t they suffered enough?
SEPTEMBER 2021
LOOKING BACK today I can see how far I have come as now I am three years into my full-on trauma recovery.
Here I’ll share with you where I am today.
- I am able to notice my nervous system sensitivity and adjust my schedule accordingly without the guilt and shame that used to be there. This may mean cancelling plans or rearranging my calendar and I have become OK with this.
- I have made peace with my body and give it the grace, space and time needed to heal at its own pace and in the manner it needs to. My body has been through A LOT and I choose to honour my body, which encapsules my life- my identity, my feelings and emotions, my memories, my dreams, my hopes, my travesties and my triumphs.
- I am able to remember more happy memories which helps me to see that my childhood wasn’t all scary, horrifying, nor bad.
- I’ve made peace with and am letting go certain abuses that I experienced. This feels truly liberating!
- I acknowledge the existing challenges that reman due to the abuse I suffered. I also acknowledge that there are those that yet may surface. I accept that my own trauma recovery is my own personal journey and is unique unto me. This brings me peace.
- Accepting that the damage done to my nervous system is real and that it’ll take much more time to fully recover. I am at peace with this.
- Learning that I can choose to let the truth of a situation manifest in its own time. It is not on my shoulders – the pressure to expose the wrongdoing. I can carry on in my life, working on myself and ensuring I’m safe so my healing can and will continue. At one time I felt so strongly the need to jump in and stick up for the underdog, to expose the injustice and call out what is wrong. This was because I know what it feels like to feel alone with no one having your back. Now I see the need to take my time, assess, decide whether my energy level output can tolerate a certain action. This means I am no longer living in a trauma response 24/7! Yes, I still care about injustices – that will never change – but I also see the need to pick my battles in a healthy, balanced way. [I fondly recall what a boss used to say: Ask yourself, is this the hill I want to die on today? – when I ask myself this, I am able to put things into perspective]
NEW BEHAVIOURS
- I now say affirmations daily to parent the little Lisa inside – to tell her what she needed to hear and experience way back then. I tell the little me: I Love me, I Value me, I Appreciate me, I Accept me, I Acknowledge me, I Approve of me, I Adore me. Interestingly, after I say these slowly and intentionally so I can feel the meaning of these words in my core, I feel more calm and at peace. This is a way to truly honour little me and assure her/me that me/my existence matters. 😊
- I journal nearly every day and continue to receive trauma recovery coaching regularly and my therapist as/when needed. I value my need for trauma recovery support and ensure that this is a sacred part of my healing journey.
- Daily I literally open my arms and spreading them wide while closing my eyes and imagine love and kindness entering my heart. This helps me reprogram my body and spirit to let love in. This is done to counter the bodily stance that shame had me comport. I am cognizant to stand tall, stretch my torso and hold my head back. This gets met to walk the new self-talk of empowerment, healthy pride, self-worth and confidence. [shame gets the body to fold in on itself, hunching shoulders, lowering head, trying to stay small]
- Practice mindfulness each day, when I wake up, when I lay down at night and at least once during the day. This is a self-check in to notice my body, what it needs, taking the time to listen how it’s feeling, etc.
- I practice self-compassion daily with healthy self-talk of acceptance of who I am and where I am at and fully trust in God’s unconditional love and acceptance of me.
Have you reached a time in your life that certain behaviours or some mindsets aren’t quite working for you anymore? Are you noticing challenges socially, relationally, professionally? Have you hit a block somewhere and can’t seem to get past it? Are you finding that you are overly sensitive to criticism? Are you noticing that you are working with people who gaslight?
Because childhood trauma teaches us many lies, we as adult survivors have a lot of unpacking to do. One of these lies is that ‘I am unworthy – unlovable’.
This is due to the horrific violations and egregious acts that happened to us, our bodies, our psyche.
We felt bad, awful, yucky inside so we ended up thinking: If I feel bad then I must be bad. And so that deeply rooted lie gets implanted.
From this moment onward we become someone who doesn’t see self as being worth loving, not deeply, not unconditionally, not wholeheartedly. Often we feel like we are imposters, thinking that if people just knew who we really are, they’d know that we are a nobody, not worthy of respect, that the one huge flaw that you’ve spent all your energy hiding will be revealed and you’ll get hauled out on the carpet for it, exposed for the fraud that you think you are. Well, you are not alone.
One of the things that a Trauma Recovery Coach does is work with one to unpack these lies, break down the barriers that resisted the ‘other love’. Yes, we grow up being loved and even adored but be believing that lie above, we are unable to allow that in because of that lie that has become our ‘truth’.
Is it time for you see your worth? Is it time for you to love your self as you are created to do? Is it time for you to see your light as others do? Are you ready to do the work necessary so you can live life with less baggage, less self-imposed limitations, and more freedom?
Awareness of what happened to us as children [the abuse and neglect] and how it impacted life from the first incident [anchor trauma] onwards truly helps lessen the shame, blame, guilt that gets assimilated as a truth pertaining to one’s worthiness, lovableness and amount of shame. Yet, this isn’t a truth at all, is it? In fact, these are lies.
As healing happens, there is an *awakening* of sorts and part of this is realizing how one’s own traumatized or wounded brain plus social/relational underdevelopments have impacted others, especially those we love and want in our support circle. It’s important as we make this transition of awareness, that it is remembered that a wounded brain thinks and responds very differently to life’s ‘normal’ challenges. Frankly the wounded brain has parts that didn’t develop properly, some being overdeveloped [limbic system] and others being underdeveloped [hippocampus and prefrontal cortex]. And this is why trauma that happens in the developmental years is called Developmental Trauma.
This takes us to where understanding what happened to the body and mind helps lessen the pressure and judgement that is directed toward self. And with this, the ability to forgive oneself grows. Self-forgiveness is HUGE in trauma recovery. Facing this and learning how to forgive self helps kick the blame and guilt to the curb.
What better gift can you give yourself than this?
