Why is my memory not working right?

Lab tests have shown that when trauma happens, the frontal lobe shuts down, including the region necessary to put feelings into words, the region that creates a sense of location in time, and the thalamus, which integrates the raw data of incoming sensations.
Under ordinary conditions the rational and emotional brains collaborate to produce a blended response.

What does this mean?

The intense horror of being abused causes the brain to become off balance and this trauma disconnects various brain areas that are necessary for proper storage [memory].
Terror shuts off the frontal cortex [the thinking brain] and the limbic system and brain stem function [the emotional brain] take over to ensure that you survive the event[s]. During abuse, the sole purpose of your body is to keep you alive – this is the trauma response – of Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn.

With the brain not processing all the information that is happening correctly, there is no coherent, logical narrative of the abuse. Rather, the memory becomes fragmentated with emotional sensations, images, sounds and physical sensations. The ability to tell what happened at the beginning, then what happened next, and then after that, and then what happened, and how it all ended …… all this is not possible from one who’s been abused.

So you abuse survivors, there is nothing wrong with you because you are not able to recall the abuse in a story like fashion. Your body and brain did not nor could not remember the abuse that way. There was too much adrenalin flowing through your body. Your memories, as they return, manifest in various ways and your body will allow them to surface when it is ready to process them for recovery. They will come back in bits and pieces and this is perfectly normal. There is no judgement. You will get through this. You are not alone. As a certified trauma recovery coach I am here to help you along your healing journey.

How familiar are you with the topic of Spiritual Abuse, Emotional Abandonment and Child Abuse? I often have heard that child abuse is Spiritual Abuse and while managing to *see how having an adult caregiver is cold and distant can impact a child’s relationship with God I wasn’t able to see beyond that.

Here is what I’ve come to learn: Emotional Abandonment or Neglect IS spiritually abusive because the child cannot grasp the concept of a Higher Power as being actively involved in their lives; One who genuinely cares since the caregiver rarely interacted with them in a caring way. Resulting- they either believe there is no Higher Power or don’t trust the Higher Power to support and help them.

Sometimes children are angry with or hate the family concept of a Higher Power for allowing the parent to abuse them. These children blame the Higher Power for failure to protect instead of blaming or feeling angry with the caregiver. Sometimes it is *easier to blame God rather than admitting that one’s own parents acted willfully abusive towards them.

Some parents demand that the children do or only believe exactly what the parents do and that anything else is unacceptable. The children may never go through that developmental process in which they learn to feel good about doing things their way. The ability to reason and utilize rational thinking may be impeded.

If this squelching of the children’s freedom to become unique individual selves is carried to the extreme, the children lose touch with any sense of what their own way is. They often lose their sense of who they are, what their own identity is. This gets carried into adulthood and often these ones feel disconnected and have no relationship with themselves, to their community and the world at large. They may feel life is pointless or has no meaning. Or they become controlling, demanding, abusive, or critical of others.

Some parents become addicted to religion in that it gets to the pint where the religious devotion takes away from other priorities including their own children, who need their, time, attention, direction and love. Therefore, these addicted parents end up abusing their own children through neglect.

Also, some religiously addicted parents use the concept of God to frighten and threaten the children. The children’s fear of God’s punishment forces them to do what the parents want them to do. The parents overcontrol the children and the children learn to be afraid of God. The children obey out of fear and coercion, not because they love their parents or love God and want to make them happy.

Other religious addicts avoid any real problem solving with their children by quoting scripture. Instead of providing structure for their children in the form of rules and information that their children can understand, scripture is quoted. Often without explaining in a way that means something at the children’s current level. Therefore, the children do not understand. This causes anxiety and the children feel emotionally neglected and lost. They often end up thinking there is something wrong with them.

Other parents demonstrate irresponsibility to children by turning everything over to God without doing any of the footwork. This means parents say or their body language says something like ‘I am walking away from the responsibility to fix this problem or mend this wound. He’ll fix this in the end.’ This is extremely damaging because the children get the message that they themselves are ‘not worth the effort.’

Also, children need to see what human responsibility looks like, what problem solving looks like, what working on a relationship looks like, and what accountability looks like. Children learn nothing about how to approach life’s problems with the above attitude. By ‘leaving this with God’ these types of parents are also using God as a scape goat for their own problems. it becomes an avoidance tactic that absolves the parents’ of the responsibility to work things out, to be accountable, to parent healthily.

This attitude provides children zero guidance and direction and instead, teaches how to live without accountability and remorse. Sometimes no conscience is developed in these children. They grow up experiencing extreme emotional anguish and frustration. They can grow up feeling anger and resentful towards God or a Higher Power.

There is also the damage that ensues when a child is abused by a religious person who is in any position of authority. This topic will be discussed at another time. So how can a child develop a healthy relationship with God or a Higher Power when the above happens?

Again, the above is another form of Abuse to a the child’s psyche, another emotional injury and impacts the child’s well-being. It is Abuse by Abandonment. Emotional Blackmail in some instances, therefore, Spiritual Abuse. There is hope though! Working with a certified Trauma Recovery Coach will support you through this minefield of pain and get to the other side of your healing journey. I’m here when you’re ready.

Have you heard of CD?

Are you aware of What it is?

Have you seen it in action in yourself? In others?

What can you do when you are struggling with this yourself?

How can you help yourself when seeing this in others?

In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values, and is typically experienced as psychological stress or literal head pain. The discomfort is triggered by the person’s belief clashing with new information, and so they try to find a way to resolve the contradiction to reduce the discomfort. When two actions or ideas are not psychologically consistent with each other, people do all in their power to change them until they become consistent or resolve this discrepancy.

Sometimes one can literally feel like the brain almost is splitting as it works to make sense of this new information. Often there is outright resistance. So, it can show up as denial, or in words like: I can’t believe that is true! So and so wouldn’t do something like that- I know him or her!  That’s impossible. You’re making this up! Or, Am I making this up? Or, You’re blowing this out of proportion – it can’t be that bad!  Etc.

Most survivors of childhood abuse experience CD when some memories start to surface. Sometimes there are no picture memories, or only bits and pieces that appear out of nowhere or perhaps there are waves of intense emotions that cause extreme anxiety or terror without pictures and it’s not certain where or why this is happening. These are Emotional Flashbacks.

When these begin to happen sometimes the abuse victim has periods of Cognitive Dissonance. This is because she or he is trying to make sense of what is happening inside.

Other times these same victims will experience CD from others when they start to tell their story.

Often the ones that the abuse survivors hoped would believe them and or support them don’t believe the survivor. Those with CD are in total denial of what happened.

It’s good to remember this truth- Denial is a choice.

Yes, Denial is a choice. In fact, for some abuse survivors you’ll see how CD can be so deep that these ones even deny their denial. Denial is contagious and I see denial as another pandemic in our world.

 

Years ago I heard this expression: “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”  Meaning we cannot convince another unless that person wants to and is willing to be open to other ideas or possibilities. If that person is willing to entertain the idea that he or she may not have all the facts, then they may believe our story.

How does CD show up in others besides denial of your experiences? Well, it can also manifest in avoidance of the topic, it can manifest in avoidance of you, the one talking of a sex crime.  It can manifest in retaliation or slander of the victim, and the like. Usually it’s more often shown in quiet or covert disagreement.

How do you deal with this pain, the feeling of judgement and or rejection by the cognitive dissonance of others?

Here are a few things that helped me work through this.

Change your thinking– how?

There may also be resistance to accept the fact that each and every one of us humans is capable of having egregious or wicked thoughts and even acting on them. Fortunately, most of us don’t act on them.

It is a disservice to child abuse victim/survivors if all energy is focused on the 20% who will never “get it” nor believe. Focussing on this group is a guaranteed road of futility, discouragement, and needless suffering. For healing it’s beneficial to let that last 20% go.

Get moving

Practice Mindfulness

Understand the level of shame that your childhood trauma caused and notice how it’s impacted your life

Practice Self Compassion

  1. Self compassion is the antidote to shame.
  2. Be patient with yourselves as these memories start to arise. Work hard at not judging self.
  3. Learn to love yourself not necessarily despite childhood experiences, rather, because of them.
  4. Be determined to change negative and self-defeating thinking into a mindset that is healthy and conducive to reaching recovery goals instead of hindering.
  5. Connect with a certified Trauma Recovery Coach who can help you navigate your healing journey, assuring you feel and see that you’re not alone, that you matter, that your pain matters.

I trust it has been helpful to learn what cognitive dissonance is, how it shows up and learning what you can do make self more open to your own healing journey. Feel free to print this off and/or refer to it as you continue to develop healthy coping strategies for your own trauma recovery.

I trust that this has been helpful for you. If you’d like further information on how to show self compassion or identifying what the next step is in your healing journey, feel free to contact me.

 

Lisa B Hilton, CTRC, of Hilton Coaching & Consulting, is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach and supports adult survivors of childhood traumas and neglect. Her focus is walking with the client in their healing journey supporting the transformation of travesty into triumph.

IN APRIL 2020, I was into my 20th month of full-on healing from being retraumatized by the same abuser who sexually assaulted me when I was 4 years old. In looking back over the years, 27 to be exact, I have been addressing my memories of the sexual abuse off and on. And so, this last time I will admit that I felt angry that I was needing to revisit the abuse, unpack it and recover from it …. again.

During this most recent time frame I’ve come to understand a lot more of the impact of these experiences and the trauma that ensued and how it encompassed my whole life, my whole being from that moment forward. What also caused a lot of damage was that I didn’t grow up in an environment where I felt I belonged. Was it the sexual abuse that caused me to feel that way – segregated and isolated and unwanted and unloved? Maybe some of it, yes, yet there is a part of me that believes that there was more to this feeling of emptiness than that. I have come to learn a lot about gaslighting and DARVO and have come to see how a lot of that behaviour was and is still happening. I bet it is considered normal treatment of each other but to me it is oppressive and extremely unloving and abusive. Being led to believe and being treated like my perspective and thoughts and opinions on my abuse and how it’s impacted me doesn’t matter as much as theirs – well… there really are not words for such nonsensical behaviour. This is denial and disrespect at its best.

I wade the damage that this recent resurgence has done to my thought processes for I have days and weeks of fogginess with poor memory and poor focus. I have learned that this is what is called dissociation. Frankly, I hate it when I am like this. I also know and understand that it is what my body is doing because my brain is rewiring itself, discharging all the lies and work arounds I had to do to just live and exist and leading me to where I want and deserve to be – where there is clarity, vibrancy, joy, harmony and a sense of connection. This is part of my healing journey and now, with this CV-19 pandemic, a lot of the old childhood feelings of disconnection, isolation, fear, angst, not belonging, hopelessness, powerlessness, voicelessness, etc have resurfaced, unfortunately. I know that I am not alone, and I say that to others. We are all in this collective global trauma together. Today I have healthy coping strategies in place to help me get through the dissociated periods and prayer helps so much, especially when I am feeling a lot of overwhelm.

Several books were read to understand what was going on with me and a few were by Brené Brown. I was baffled where she was talking about a challenge she experienced with a Maya Angelou quote: “I belong every place. I belong no place. I belong to myself.” I too struggled with this, not grasping what those words meant. Only in these last few days has this door opened to me. Now I understand. Before I could though, I had to let go of where I thought I belonged, I had to stop yearning and pining for this place that didn’t exist in reality – it existed only in my dreams. Embracing the reality that I belonged to me instead helped me see that this is what Maya and Brené meant. And that this is where I am meant to be.

This means to me is that I belong to myself, I belong to and am loyal to the values I hold dear. By living my values, respecting my own boundaries of what I expect from myself, and embracing all of me, loving me – even the deeply scarred part of me, finally conceding to the fact that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone – for it’s just me and God, that’s it! By letting go of all that angst, letting go of all that pressure that I have allowed into my space, my very being, there is now room for freedom, joy, love and connections.

And you know what? That emptiness is dissipating. That bodily hunger is going away. I am being filled with unconditional love, with acceptance, with peace, with passion, with vibrance and joy. It is so wonderful to have that door opened and being able to allow all that goodness in!

Trauma Recovery IS possible. It feels great and so well worth the work! Because – to get to the other side – there is no life like it. I have unfurled my wings and am soaring. Love has lifted me up high.

I have been there where you are, so let me help you get to where you want to be too.

 

I am Lisa, a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach offering support for adult survivors of childhood trauma transform tragedy into triumph.

Awareness of what happened to us as children [the abuse and neglect] and how it impacted life from the first incident [anchor trauma] onwards truly helps lessen the shame, blame, guilt that gets assimilated as a truth pertaining to one’s worthiness, lovableness and amount of shame. Yet, this isn’t a truth at all, is it? In fact, these are lies.

As healing happens, there is an *awakening* of sorts and part of this is realizing how one’s own traumatized or wounded brain plus social/relational underdevelopments have impacted others, especially those we love and want in our support circle. It’s important as we make this transition of awareness, that it is remembered that a wounded brain thinks and responds very differently to life’s ‘normal’ challenges. Frankly the wounded brain has areas that didn’t develop properly, some being overdeveloped [limbic system] and others being underdeveloped [hippocampus and prefrontal cortex]. And this is why trauma that happens in the developmental years is called Developmental Trauma.

This takes us to where understanding what happened to the body and mind helps lessen the pressure and judgement that is directed toward self. And with this, the ability to forgive oneself grows. Self-forgiveness is HUGE in trauma recovery. Facing this and learning how to forgive self helps kick the blame and guilt to the curb.

Self-compassion helps rewire the brain. What better gift can you give yourself than this?

One step towards self-forgiveness is sitting with an uncomfortable feeling [ie: frustration, anger, fear], just acknowledge it’s there. Hold space for it, validate it and let it know it’s OK to be. Feel compassion towards the feeling instead of dismissing it or being angry with it. Just  hold space and see what shifts happen inside. 

 

You’ve got this!

 

Lisa Hilton is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, supporting adult survivors of childhood trauma transform travesty into triumph. Book a consultation today.

As you know I’ve been reading more about Gaslighting lately and have come to learn that true Gaslighting is a type of communication that is done with the intent to create confusion and self doubt so the gaslighter can gain power or mastery over another, wielding power and control. Basically, what this means is that having this sense of power while destroying another individual gives them a “high” of some sort. Emotionally beating you down feeds their own fragile ego and insecurities. In the world of narcissism, it’s called being their ‘supply’. They need your submission and lack of confidence to “prove” their superiority over you.

Now I cannot read another person’s heart and I am careful about imputing wrong motives in an individual. However, I do know my own physiological response to various words and phrases that were said to me while growing up.
Here are some of the things I heard:

Oh, I didn’t say that!
Why would I say something like that?
Stop your whining.
Quit your whining.
It wasn’t that bad. 

Stop your complaining or belly aching.
You always make a big deal out of nothing.
You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
I said nothing of the kind.
Here we go again!
You’ve got it all wrong.
How could you think I’d do such a thing?
I never said that!
You’re such a baby.
You need to toughen up.
You’re too sensitive.
Oh, for Pete’s sake.
You’re blowing this out of proportion.
You’re just trying to get attention.
Your perspective is all skewed.
That’s not how I remember it.

 

These words still…. I can feel a sensation go up and down my spine when I recall some of these being said — a somatic response. Regardless of the reason why these were said – the key is – the pain inflicted on the receiver is what causes trauma.

Trauma is not the event, it is the wounding that stems from the event or circumstance. As Gabor Maté says: Trauma isn’t what happened to you, it’s what happens INSIDE of you because of what happened to you.

On another note, have you found saying some of those words to yourself?  You may be gaslighting yourself.

A few days ago, I woke up with a couple of things swirling in my head. Some of which involved what I learned in my TR Coaching course- How we as coaches want to help our clients see that they have Voice and Choice. So… Voice and Choice… hmmmm. …. Then I thought, “How do I live knowing deep within that I have Voice and Choice?” “What does that look like, feel like to me?”

Healing from Complex PTSD [and I’ve called it various names: Childhood Trauma, Complex Trauma, Developmental Trauma, Childhood Sexual abuse, Childhood Abuse trauma, C-PTSD] is a life-long journey and one of the ‘silver linings’ of recovering from C-PTSD are the things we learn about ourselves, and how the physiological, psychological and relational damage that ensued now explains actions, choices, challenges and triumphs.

To be able to understand the WHYs in my life has helped me sooo much. I cannot explain really the sense of jubilation I feel when I have these epiphanies after I’ve learned a word or a name that describes what was going on in my head or body or what certain behaviours were that I experienced which left me feeling sad and disrespected. Some of the silver linings are gaining emotional literacy and ability to for self-compassion. The harsh self-judgement and the negative natterer that lived in my head has pretty much disappeared. Having that relief gifts me the freedom to be able to do more for others with greater joy. I don’t feel like I am being ‘held back’ when it comes to reaching out and connecting with others.

So this Voice and Choice. All along I’ve tried to use my voice and the frustrating part of doing that is being treated with disrespect while doing so. And yet, this hasn’t stopped me. My choice is to use my voice. I write of my healing journey so that other abuse victims can see and know that they are not alone.  As said before, childhood abuse victims grow up feeling so alone, isolated and like they don’t belong anywhere. I feel such empathy and compassion for those who struggle with these same feelings. I know how debilitating they are.

Honouring the ability to choose, helps build confidence and regain a sense of empowerment – all things that childhood sexual abuse took away from me. Sharing my experiences is my gift of understanding and compassion to them, to you. It’s important that I give and live the message that as a fellow childhood trauma survivor, please know you are NOT alone.

If you’d like to learn more of how you can enhance your voice and choice, please send me an email and let’s make a plan.

 

Lisa Hilton is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, working with adult survivors of childhood trauma who are seeking more of an interactive and client-led approach to healing. I believe that you have the what’s needed to heal. I’m here to hold a safe space for you to tap into that so you can grow, learn, and thrive.