Respect: to hold in high regard or esteem, admiration given by others
Boundaries are all wrapped up in respect - respect for self first and then for others. After enduring CSA [childhood sexual abuse] at an early age, obviously I felt was something ‘off’ but couldn’t quite put a finger on what ‘it’ was. I didn’t have the language to describe what I was feeling and noticing in my own body and psyche. So much of that has been blocked and locked up in memory that only now am I starting to venture into. It is a cache of not so nice memories.
I do recall, as I walked around the family home, feeling disconnected, not belonging, therefore, feeling unwanted and invisible. It makes sense that I’d not notice respect because my body wasn’t respected as being off limits to my first abuser. All of his excuses today for why he chose to do what he did, don’t matter. It makes me ill to think that he has the gall to rationalize his sexual assault. And it makes me ill to think that some sibs seem to have taken the stance that what he did wasn’t really that bad. Not a one has come to me and said they’ve held him accountable.
Clearly my emotional well being hasn’t been respected either.
So how do I learn to respect myself when I am not taught what respect looks like? So much of what we learn in life is learned through exposure – through experiential learning. I was taught obedience – Do as I say or you’ll get…. Is that respect? It doesn’t feel like it is, it feels more like coercion and oppression. Demanding compliance is not showing respect.
Learning to respect myself and grasping that I deserve respectful treatment was a big hurdle for me. At first, being treated with respect was upsetting and triggering. I didn’t know what respect looked like nor felt like. It was odd, strange, unreal.
Sad, isn’t it?
I felt like an imposter, a poser, someone who was not worthy of esteem, respect, admiration. And now, I smile, because now I KNOW what respect looks like and feels like. It’s a beautiful thing, it still feels like a gift, something new that I need to open my heart to and let sink in. I still need to consciously work at allowing the respect to marinate my being sometimes – it is so easy to sluff off and not let it land on me in the right way. Spending decades wearing armor where love and respect and admiration and devotion were seen as missiles of pain and confusion, rather than heaps of support and strength, was something that I had to unlearn and relearn
Yes, respecting self takes time and it’s well worth the work to get here.
If you struggle with accepting respect please reach out. If you are not sure how to establish and maintain boundaries, let’s see how we can work on this together.
