Am I broken?

Childhood trauma survivors usually wonder this because they feel so shattered from the pain they endure(d). This pain is so overwhelming that to exist they must disconnect from it to carry on with life. As a result, they feel like they don’t belong anywhere; they feel lost and alone; they feel unsafe, not knowing who they are. They sense the disconnectedness but don’t know why, where it comes from, or what to do about it.

I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. Only recently have I noticed more shifts happening within, and I am beginning to feel an alignment or unification of sorts inside. It is like the pieces of me are coming together and making up a whole – a new healed me. It is now four and a half years since I was re-traumatized and developed PTSD on top of dealing with pre-existing Complex/Developmental Trauma. Yes, over four years of painful yet rewarding work.

Thankfully, curiosity is replacing the self judgement and I am firm in supporting my need to feel safe. Therefore, I choose to be with those who build me up, who value me and respect me. They help me see my worth and support me to reach my goals. They see how far I’ve come and continue to support me as I heal. These are “my people, my family.”

Three memories emerged recently that overwhelmed me to the point where the executive function part of my brain was inaccessible. First, waves of horrific emotions overwhelmed me. I sobbed and felt like a terrified and helpless little girl. Then I recalled something that was said when I was growing up. I heard more than once that if I didn’t listen and pay attention and do as I was told that I’d die at Armageddon. If I wasn’t obedient, I’d die. If I didn’t listen, I’d die.

Then within seconds two more memories emerged. One was when I was on a road trip, probably a tween at the time, and we stopped at a highway rest stop to use the facilities. I remember while in the restroom thinking: “What if, when I came out, they aren’t there?”  And sure enough, when I walked out, I looked for the vehicle and it wasn’t there! A feeling of panic, terror and abandonment hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked around thinking “Who can I ask for help?” and then I remembered the “stranger danger” indoctrination I received. So, I looked for a place to sit down for I was frozen and stuck. I waited. Eventually I told myself, “They’ll come back for me” and they did. Now I don’t know if my pre-existing fear made it so that I couldn’t see the vehicle or what. All I know is that the feeling of abandonment was real, intense and traumatic. It only took a second for me to numb out and shut down my feelings. The panic and terror were too much. So, did this happen because I didn’t “listen”? What did I misunderstand? What did I get wrong? I learned from this experience that if I didn’t listen, my life was in peril.

The other was from when I was in grade seven. I distinctly remember not understanding what a new teacher was saying to our class. The next thing I knew, all the students got up and left and I didn’t understand what was happening. I had a meltdown. I felt absolutely terrified at being left behind. I was embarrassed and felt so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t “keep it together.”

Wow!

Many religions preach that “being bad” would result in going to the “bad place” — a life in hellfire. Talk about spiritual abuse creating trauma – religious trauma! Saying these things either directly to or within earshot of an impressionable child is thoughtless and cruel. It is emotionally and psychologically damaging.

No wonder I go into extreme panic if I don’t understand something, especially when I’m trying to follow directions to something new. These situations are a “do or die” thing to me. This explains my insatiable need to know, to learn, and to understand. As a result, I became a voracious learner. And it explains the harsh self-criticism that came with that — the thinking there was something wrong with me if I didn’t understand something.

Of course, I was going to make mistakes while growing up. Who wouldn’t? But to have these terrifying words put onto the shoulders of a 3-, 4- or 5-year-old?!  Shame on that adult!

When we are impressionable little ones, words and events like this crush. They devastate, they wound very deeply. They impact our world view and how we relate to others – to everyone — and to ourselves.

This is why my trauma recovery involves more than recovering from the sexual abuse and the sibling abuse. It also includes healing from the emotional abuse and emotional neglect that I experienced. I grew up feeling so alone, that there was no one in my corner.

For most survivors, childhood trauma comes from a constellation of horrible events. It is rarely from one catastrophic event. The trauma (wounding) results more from the lack of emotional support (comfort and reassurance of safety) that should follow the terrifying situation/event. Reassurance would help the baby or child to calm down and “get back to normal” (homeostasis) afterwards. This is why trauma recovery takes time, love, safety, patience, and self-forgiveness. There is lots to acknowledge, unpack, process, and detox from.

Trauma recovery requires meeting the need to feel safe. And part of it involves overcoming strongly entrenched false beliefs and making and adopting new truths. This is how our minds are transformed – how we make new neural pathways that will serve us for the good. Amazingly after all this, I have a healthy relationship with God and feel very close to Him and loved by Him.

Besides the above, my healing involves connecting with the wounded parts of me — the emotional parts that I couldn’t let myself feel so I could survive. Now, I get to hug these parts, welcome them, assure them that they are believed. I speak to them with compassion, unconditional love, and acceptance. I feel their pain and want to listen, validate, and assure them that I’m there to help them with their burdens of rejection, fear, betrayal, unlovableness, unworthiness, the “not good enough” feelings, and more. I get to be the one who nurtures, loves, and accepts them as they are. This is such a priviledge.

Adults who’ve experienced child abuse and or neglect – I say to you: “There IS hope. You / We can recover. No dear one, you’re not broken, not in the way you think you are. You just need to gently get reacquainted with the emotional pieces of you that are circling around. You can do this and I can show you how.

 

If you’d like to reach out for support in your own healing journey and see if Trauma Recovery Coaching is the best next step you, please read the blog, Is Trauma Recovery Coaching Right for You, and follow the suggestion at the end.

 I am Lisa Hilton, an Advanced Certified Trauma Recovery Coach supporting adult survivors of childhood trauma transform travesty into triumph. It would be an honour to walk with you on this journey.

Breaking Free!   You know that brand new skin that shows up after the scab comes off? The skin that is tender still, is pink, and hasn’t been exposed to light and life?

Well, this is how I feel right now. I feel fresh, yet tender. During these last couple of months, I have been shedding some “scabs”; I’ve been processing and detoxing from limiting beliefs and feelings that have held me captive for most of my existence.

Last week was the most remarkable. I finally could allow the love and concern of a certain friend to seep in and soak into my heart. This heart of mine has been yearning for acceptance, respect, and support for so long. It’s learning to trust. In the past when this “offering” was presented, I could not see it; I could not trust it; I could not believe it was true. So, the awkwardness of the wounded parts took over.

Sometimes they dismissed the words, ignored them or responded with cheekiness or sarcasm – all because we (they and I) didn’t know what love and respect looked and felt like. Even today, being treated nicely can disarm me. When this happens, sometimes I shed tears, not understanding why being shown kindness feels scary. Being shown love, care, and respect is supposed to be a good thing, right? Clearly, parts of me have been deeply wounded and haven’t trusted love and acceptance.

I never felt I belonged…… anywhere. It’s awful, sheer agony, growing up in a large family and not feeling that I belong. Even in my marriage, even as a mother…. Doubt and insecurities were all I know. Growing up I was reminded when I made mistakes, I felt the sting of the punishment on the backs of my legs for days; I felt the shame of never being good enough, the shame of being a girl who had no idea how to navigate a world that was scary, unsafe, while learning how to judge and criticize, and about emotional constipation.

Somehow this was my fault and the heaviness of shame, and all its choking power consumed my life. It was with me wherever I went. It showed up in sleep overs, in girlfriend secret-sharing, every time I looked in the mirror, and even in the kindness of others – I just didn’t know how to behave and receive goodness with grace. I was told to not think too  much of myself, to not let a compliment make me have a swelled head. I pictured myself walking around with an enlarged head, sticking out like a sore thumb, being a target for further ridicule and shaming speech—feeling even more awkward and targeted.

I learned to hold myself back, to keep myself small. I learned to doubt my thoughts and dreams. I doubted me to the core. There is no way the nice things people said about me could be true. They don’t know the real me!

Really, how sad is that – that a little girl had to learn how to armor up and lie to herself about her worth  because her world was so unsafe!

This past week, this wounded part of me was able to come up to the surface with kindness and gentleness, revealing its scabs. It was ready and able to sluff off the old and crusty. The pink and tender parts of me are now here. While scary and unsure, this gives me hope and energy and underscores a deeply hidden belief that I am worthy. I could say last evening to my husband that for the first time I felt like I belonged “here”. Previously I felt I belonged to me, as reclaiming myself is another layer to trauma recovery. Yesterday this is different – a new, more unshakable feeling.

I am still in uncharted waters as I write this, but it feels good enough (safe enough) and I’m willing to be courageous enough to move forward. To have hope regarding my trauma recovery is a blessing. My faith has something to do with this, for sure. Yet this new feeling is more than that.

Being able to taste the freedom that comes with losing the shackles that collude with child abuse and emotional neglect is amazing! As each layer of lies is shed the more authentic I become. This is liberating. I can see now that I am respected and it feels good to be here in this place, finally. Soon I will be a published author. I can’t wait!

As I heal, I have the courage to establish and maintain healthy boundaries and no longer have the capacity to hold space for those who disrespect me. To me, disrespect manifests as name calling, character mislabeling, a refusal to listen to what I have to say, as judgement, as close mindedness, as willful ignorance, and an unwillingness to prove you are safe and trustworthy.

Inner peace and safety are more important to me than ever before.

 

Lisa Hilton is an Advanced Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, supporting adult survivors of childhood trauma transform their travesty into triumph. Feel free to contact her when you’re ready to take the next step in your own childhood trauma recovery.

What is my worth? This is a HARD question. And for a childhood trauma survivor it can shut you down, completely, just contemplating it.  Why?

Because we don’t see nor feel that we have any worth. We learned through experiences – a look, a hit, words, sighs, eye rolling, tattling, assaults, etc., that we are NOT accepted for who we are.

By the time I was 3 years old, my nervous system already had a felt sense that I wasn’t wanted nor appreciated. I had already felt terrorized on a couple occasions. My nervous system was on high alert because I didn’t feel safe.

So how does a wee one cope?

What I did was work hard at being useful.  I learned how to help mommy cook and clean. When I did these well, I received a smile, a thank you and a little praise. Only then did I feel loved. This taught me that I had to “do” to “earn” love, acceptance and appreciation.

The next 5 decades I gave too much power to what others thought of me. I could NOT see nor accept that others liked me simply for being me for I had learned a different truth – that I was unlikable/unlovable. I had built a wall around my heart for self-protection and self-preservation, and nothing could penetrate it. I disconnected from my emotions, and this caused me to disconnect from myself. I didn’t know who I was for the longest time.

Over time I had become skilled at wearing a *mask* and the pretending, the keeping of a secret [that I was sexually abused] was exhausting. I felt challenged socially, always nervous around people, uncomfortable with small talk. I believed there was something wrong with me.

Not until after I started my trauma recovery did I learned how to let love in….. s l o w l y.

It took a LOT of mental reprogramming, to let the armor down. I started with letting God’s love in. THAT alone took a LOT of work. I didn’t know at that time how much the denial of my experiences and pain, the gaslighting, the criticism, the emotional abandonment and weaponizing of scripture impacted my view of self and the world. I had to deal with the loss and the grief that came with that realization first before I could understand why my heart ached and pined for certain relationships that were toxic, just to have a sense of *belonging and acceptance*.

I was looking for love, acceptance and understanding externally but what I needed was to support my nervous system and learn to love and accept myself.

As I said at the outset, this week I finally made the connection to what was obscurely behind it all — the deep-rooted yearning to be liked. Ooooooo, putting this out there is scary!

Now I understand that unbeknownst to me, all along, deep, deep inside I was compelled for decades to focus on being helpful, useful, supportive of others – to be the Go-To person in time of crisis and despair. I took pride in being called at all hours to help a friend in crisis. I needed to be needed. All which came at a cost to my physical and emotional health. This is called Fawning, a trauma response, also known as co-dependency.

 

[Can you relate to this? Are you one of those people that jump in quickly to help others? Who sacrifice so much to be there and end up depleting yourself or getting hurt in the long run? …… I’ve been there way too often.]

To finally make this connection – Oh how SWEET!  To realize that behind it was a lie – the belief I was not appreciated/liked and how this created a desperation for wanting to be valued – how vulnerable to admit this!

I developed a tough, capable, and competent veneer. I was smart in school [A- average] and loved learning. I was curious, wanted to know how to do things and take care of myself. I learned to not rely on anyone for life’s basic challenges – was fiercely independent.  Admitting this here is hard to do. Seeing it in print is difficult yet healing and validating.

So, learning to love me and appreciate me is what eventually opened the lock to this vault. I’m smiling because this makes me happy to see another door opened for me in my own trauma recovery. I can see AND feel my own worth now!!!! It doesn’t matter if people like/accept me or not. My worth is not defined by others, at all.

As an adult childhood trauma survivor do you see similar patterns or mindsets in yourself? If so, you are not alone.

 

Lisa B Hilton is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, supporting adult survivors of childhood and developmental trauma Transform Travesty into Triumph.

What is Normal for you?

One thing that has become clear as I continue in my education and trauma recovery coaching is that only after an individual decides to begin healing were they able to face the facts that their childhood was worse than thought. In fact, many start off the bat stating that they’ve had great childhoods and had awesome parents. The rush to defend the parents is strong.

I wonder…. If the childhood was so great, Why the struggles now in adulthood?

This is what I see happens……

Usually after something or a series of events the rose-coloured glasses lose their power.

Only then it’s noticed there has been a lot of dysfunctions. Perhaps in the family of origin [FOO] it’s noticed that there wasn’t a lot of healthy communication, or there was unwarranted violence or anger, there was neglect [physical and or emotional], chaos, drugs/alcohol abuse, parentification of child/ren, or other forms of abuse/neglect, and more.

Growing up in environments like this, the child only sees this as normal. It’s what they know; it’s normal to them so they don’t talk about it. They learn to not complain [others have it worse], to keep secrets – it’s the don’t ask-don’t tell rule. If there is emotional or psychological abuse happening then the child/ren learn that what happens is their fault, of if they do tell someone, the family will be split, and again, that’d be their fault.

This lack or inability to be open and honest in communication, the keeping of secrets, the shame – these become part of how these ones’ roll. This is the way life is supposed to be, right? Don’t all families have dysfunction so why should I *make a big deal out of mine*?  That sounds like self-gaslighting language to me.

The damage and pain this environment cause is way too heavy for a little one to shoulder son in order to cope the child feels the need to pretend that all is fine, or they turn off their feelings all together and become numb or disengaged. This becomes *normal*.

Something’s gotta give, eventually, right?

Down the road what gives can be health, physical or emotional. Why? Because all childhood / developmental trauma is stored in the body. Eventually things will surface either in flashbacks or physical pain and suffering.

Yet the reluctancy to admit that homelife wasn’t all that healthy is hard. There is the struggle with seeing self as disloyal. After all, didn’t our parents do the best they could?

Why does it have to be either or?  Can’t both be true? That parents did the best they could and the  home environment wasn’t the best? Perhaps that is true in your case? Perhaps it wasn’t.

True, all would like to look back and see there was a good childhood with happy memories, where parents were able to meet their children’s needs and they felt attached and close. Most want to believe their siblings and family environment was good. The alternative reality is too much for many to accept. So, some fantasize. Others remain fully aware of the circumstances they find themselves in as a kid. Either way deep damage ensues.

Parents aren’t given the responsibility to just keep their children alive. Their responsibility is to support their child/ren to become the best version of themselves – to blossom and thrive. Parents need to nurture, protect, and guide their children. This is their child/ren’s birthright.

We cannot dismiss the need for a child, every child to grow up feeling safe, loved unconditionally, and wanted. These needs must be met and they are equally important as food, clothing and shelter.

If you didn’t have that kind of upbringing then chances are you have struggles.

And that is OK.

The first step in trauma recovery is awareness. It happens when you acknowledge what happened to you in childhood. It is crucial to name it. Only then can healing and repair happen. You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge. This step is perhaps the biggest hurdle for some.

And this creates another paradox. Because you then can feel torn and negatively judge yourself, thinking that it is selfish and ungrateful to want more – from life and from family. [more self-gaslighting]

 

And it is important to restate this truth – healing from childhood trauma is NOT about blaming the parent(s) or the sibling(s) or anything like that. Trauma recovery is about acknowledging the truth – what happened. Full stop. If any family feels that you’re blaming them for what happened to you, this means they are carrying their own shame.

 

Their shame is not yours to carry.

 

Their secrets are not for you to carry.

 

The body already knows what it has experienced since conception. Pretending, making self think happy thoughts, focusing only on the positive — all lead to a life of constant disconnection. Therefore, New Age thinking is toxic. Handling life like this is Not sustainable, nor is it healthy. It forces you to live in denial. Medical and scientific facts show it is better to see life realistically. Life is richer when we take note and are attuned to the great times and the not so great. Admitting to what is, is best. Life is not some fairy tale. Life is full of triumphs and travesties, times of sheer joy and deep grief and perhaps even betrayal.

Let me ask again, What is your Normal?

When you are ready to do the work of addressing the challenges that stem from adverse childhood experiences and want support to gain healthy coping strategies, I’m here.

You are not alone.

 

 

Lisa B Hilton is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, supporting adult survivors of childhood trauma and neglect transform their travesty into triumph, whereby they can live life in freedom and authenticity.

Time to say Goodbye

 

For the last few months – since the middle of May – LOSS as been camped at my doorstep.

 

It was then that we decided to sell our little home. This decision wasn’t taken lightly. It was to be our forever home. When we moved in, we told ourselves that this was it: we were going to have to go out feet first. That was the plan when we purchased and plans sometimes have to change.

Just a year after we purchased, life took a very sharp turn and now four years later, it is time to say goodbye and move forward. While this decision is a good decision and the right one to make at this time, that doesn’t mean there isn’t sadness, a loss, that I am experiencing.

Next week we start packing and moving into our new place. August 20th will the day of the move for all the big items and we’ve hired a moving company to do this.

Then we will do the final clean before we hand over our keys to the new owner. We hope she comes to  loves this place as much as we do.  I spent hours with graph paper designing our dream kitchen so my heart and soul were put into this little home.

 

It is soon time to say goodbye.

 

And with all this, our elderly cat, Sir Igby, is showing signs of dementia. It seems to be getting worse, and we wonder how long…. Our hearts are aching as we know we’ll have to say goodbye to him we fear sooner that we had planned. He has an appointment this Friday with his vet to ascertain what is truly wrong with him and what the prognosis is. He is at lest 16 years old.

 

All I can see and feel is Loss right now. It is hard to think, to concentrate, to work.  I sigh and shed tears and let the pain in. This month is a tough month and it’s only the 8th.

Loss and grieving is a big part of healing from childhood trauma. I haven’t gone backwards in my healing, I’m now uncovering another layer of sadness and feeling the loss of so much. Each time I didn’t grieve enough previously …. I’ve noticed that it builds up so when there is another loss, it seems that the sadness is disproportionate. Then the self judgment comes out. The negative and critical self talk, right?

That is not the case this time, fortunately. I know there is a lot of sadness inside and if this move brings some of it to the surface then let the detox begin! It’s Ok to cry. And It’s OK to watch someone cry and feel helpless. The thing is, we aren’t responsible for someone else’s feelings, including their sadness and their joy. No one specific caused what I’m feeling. My feelings are just there and that’s perfectly fine.

The best thing we can do is sit with a person in their sadness and just hold space for them. That’s all. And we can sit in our own sadness and hold space for ourselves. The nervous system needs acknowledgement of what it’s experiencing. Denial causes disconnection which is the opposite of authenticity

Feeling sad is authentic. Mourning is authenticity in action. And without the mourning, the releasing of the grief, then authentic joy and happiness cannot move in the open space that the grieving leaves.

Authenticity means experiencing emotions as they happen. It means being present to feel, taste, touch, hear, see and sense; it is where and when we feel truly alive.

This is the hope and goal of adult survivors of childhood trauma. We need to feel the emotions so these can be released. It is not fun nor easy but necessary to come out the other side.

And if that means having minutes, hours, days, times, seasons of sadness or righteous rage, or indignation, hurt, feeling betrayed or abandoned, etc, then so be it. We are learning how to feel emotion like an infant and it takes time and practice to get it where it’s not so uncomfortable while appropriate for the person/situation. We learn that as adults, we have the tools already, it is just that the nervous system still thinks we’re little.

This is where patience and self compassion step up and are used to heal ourselves. Prayer helps me too. Practicing mindfulness and grounding while noticing my breathing helps.

 

In Trauma Recovery Coaching we work together to learn/adopt appropriate skills as necessary. Your coping toolbox becomes more robust over time. Together we underscore that this period will pass as I’m right there with you, holding space for as long as you need. You are not alone.

Dear Me,

My dear little Lisa, I am letting you know that you deserved better treatment. You deserved better. You deserved to be held, cuddled, loved, and treated like you have value and appreciation. You deserved to feel unconditional love, to feel accepted, to be acknowledged, to feel adored, to feel appreciated, to experience healthy affection and admiration, to feel approval, to feel that your mother / father / siblings *get you* – that they are attuned to you. You deserved to feel seen and heard.

Instead, you grew up feeling judged, guilty and shamed for being who you are, that you’re not good enough. You grew up feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings; you contorted yourself so that others wouldn’t feel upset because you always thought it was your fault. You grew up never feeling understood. All this plus the other abuses caused a LOT of damage. What you went through caused so much unnecessary pain and suffering.

It seems your mom was just too busy and distracted with her many responsibilities [she had 6 kids after all!]   As you learned later that for many reasons she didn’t have the time nor the wherewithal to be attuned to you and what you desperately needed from her. You ended up feeling and believing you were a nuisance, annoying, in the way, too needy and unloved and especially without value and worth. There was no one there to supply the nurturing you needed. I know you’re not blaming her – she didn’t know better either.

I am so sorry that you felt this way for soooo long, way too long. Too long that it became a core belief and a mindset that deeply impacted your way of being and how you showed up in life. I’m sorry that you felt you had to hide, to play and be small, that you weren’t appreciated for your sparkle and valued for who you are. Instead, you felt ashamed of yourself. You felt guilty for things you did that were symptoms of the complex trauma you were experiencing. You even took on guilt and shame that didn’t belong to you. Your nervous was just too sensitive. I am so sorry that you carried this for all these years, for decades.

You are not the problem. You are not at fault. You deserve to feel unconditional love. You deserve to be and feel supported. And it’s ok and good that you seek out those who will provide this for you. I am here to tell you that your feelings matter.

It’s not your fault that your parents, due to their own childhood experiences, weren’t able to provide the kind of parenting that would have healed you and made you feel safe and protected. I’m sorry that instead you were criticized for making mistakes. Severe punishment would ensue. And that you read it as shame and guilt for just existing. You read it that they were ashamed and embarrassed of you. Your poor nervous system.

Of course with adult wisdom, in looking back you understand it all now. But don’t forget you were a little girl, with little girl needs that weren’t being met. You were trying to navigate a world that had shown itself to be scary and unsafe because of what your brothers had done to you and because your mother wasn’t attuned to your fears, because she wasn’t able to be fully present and console you and assure you of safety and protection. All this piled onto an undeserving little body and a highly sensitive nervous system created your insecurities.

I really feel for you my dear little one.

It wasn’t your fault.

I am so sorry that you experienced this and that now as an adult you must do the work to heal from the scars all this created.

I am here to be with you, to hold you and love you as you never felt. You deserve to feel unconditional love. I know that you need to grieve all this. I’m here to hold you.

Yes, as an adult you understand your parents and see and accept their imperfections. This is good. However, it is important to your healing that you acknowledge how you felt and what you suffered because everyone’s imperfections. And as an adult you’ve acknowledged and own that your unhealed childhood wounds were passed on down to your two sons too. I’m proud of you for healing this much and being self-aware enough. I am proud of you for being as transparent as possible in our healing journey so they too can understand themselves and you better.

It is time to release this unwarranted guilt and remember that all this damage resulted from Adam and Eve’s stupid decision. They passed on this imperfection to their children and on it went down to me and little you.

People don’t know what they don’t know – yet it is each one’s responsibility and obligation to become aware so their toxic behaviour doesn’t keep getting passed onto others.

It wasn’t your fault. Remember that.

It wasn’t your fault.

Your existence matters. God believes you are valuable, that you are worthy. He is there for you and is with you. Please remember where this imperfect and self condemnation comes from – it’s not from Him.

Please keep on letting your light shine. Keep helping fellow childhood trauma survivors see and feel that they are not alone. Please be accepting of yourself and others’ imperfections, knowing that most are trying to do their best. And that there are those who choose denial, who refuse to learn, grow, be open to self awareness – that is on them, not you – these ones be careful of.

Please keep recovering from your childhood trauma so that the detox continues, and the projection stops with you.

I think you’re doing great!  So proud of the work you’re doing. It is HARD work and I believe you made the best decision – to heal. The sense of freedom that results is so worth it!

I love you, little Lisa. I am so proud of you. 😊

 

Lisa B Hilton is an Advanced Certified Trauma Recovery Coach who has lived experience. Through coaching she supports fellow adults transform their travesty into triumph. Please read her blog: Is Trauma Recovery Coaching Right for You? and reach out to her if you feel this modality of Trauma Recovery Coaching will be a good fit for you.  Thank you.

Where am I in June 2022?

 

Nearly 4 years into doing the really hard work of trauma recovery, this month I’m looking back. It’s like I was a different person then. Still, I remember the emotional pain and all the thoughts and feelings experienced. For example, I recall the frustration because I felt silenced too often in my life. Therefore, during these last 4 years – I strongly felt the need to purge – to just tell and tell and tell again what I went through, sharing how the traumatizations impacted my life and how the absence of empathy from certain ones caused further pain. My silence was over. It was a way to process and name my experiences, which opened the door to healing, for self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.

 

Clearly this *telling my story* is a normal and necessary part of trauma recovery. Telling gifts the survivor validation. Telling is healing. Survivors of abuse need to talk, and they need empathetic witnesses to listen. Therefore I often say to others: “I hear you.” Being in this place wasn’t fun at all. I really had no idea what the road to trauma recovery would look like and be like. There were so many unknowns then. I had faith in neuroplasticity though and that is what kept me moving forward.

 

As a recap, with trauma education, lived experience in childhood/developmental trauma and all that comes with it, this following list is some of what I needed to gain clarity on, or adopt, process,  understand and if needed, let go of: trauma bonding, enabling, emotional literacy, emotional intelligence, grooming, FFFF – Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn responses, attunement, emotional dysregulation, social anxiety, anxiety, self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-worth, inner peace, spirituality, mindfulness, suicidal ideation, self-compassion, religious abuse, support, listening to understand, receiving and providing Trauma Recovery Coaching and facilitating TRC in 1:1 & Groups, blogging, vlogging, DARVO, workshops, gaslighting, poly-vagal theory, IFS modality, EMDR, EFT, counselling/therapy, advocating, validating, emotional flashbacks,  terror, healthy pride, self-love, healthy boundaries, healthy and toxic shame, and more…. I understand myself a whole lot better now and have a more balanced understanding, empathy, and compassion for others and self, plus … a trauma-informed vocabulary. 😊

 

Childhood Trauma Recovery is an ongoing journey. When ready, the body will bring to the fore some memories to process and detox. This work no longer frightens nor intimidates. The uncomfortable feelings or memories are allowed to be. The more that’s allowed with compassionate curiosity, the faster they leave. I’ve accepted the truth in what we resist persists. Naming what happened makes the trauma lose its power – name it to tame it. What is new now is waking up with emotional flashbacks in the way of dreams. While upsetting I’ve learned to let these feelings exist, appreciate what they’re telling me and understanding this is another way my body is detoxing the trauma.

 

Trauma Recovery Orbit – at the core is / are the traumatizing e-vent[s] and as each orbit takes its turn [this is life happening] and upsetting sit-uations occur, one may go back to similar old feelings and angst. The cool thing is that one is never back at the original pain level. Each trigger felt has less and less impact. Over time trauma memories become benign. Life, as we know it, will always present social/emotional challenges. Yet with the nervous system healing, with the brain rewiring itself, blended with unconditional love, acceptance and support, these challenges are embraced with greater ease. Homeostasis happens quicker. Between each revisit there is more time. Each spiral orbit is bigger, encompassing more time.

 

For me, processing memories or feelings involves allowing these to surface and be curious about them. Being still, allowing self to sit with and lean into without judgement – this enables accelerated healing. I assess and determine what the memories are. I pray about it, determine what part of the event[s] are mine and what aren’t, then mentally put the shame onto the shoulders of where it rightfully belongs. I own my part and no more. Here is the Accountability stage. I am now at the place where I openly acknowledge and own my part in decisions made. And this no longer feeds the warped and toxic shame monster who’s been following me around for decades. Thankfully this unwarranted / toxic shame has been kicked down to a manageable size. I have gotten used to being in the ventral vagal place – homeostasis.

 

I do this processing when pleasant feelings arise too. For instance, I didn’t know what it felt like to feel respected and unconditionally loved so whenever I was praised, complimented, or listened to with respect, this was new to me. In the past none of these niceties landed in my heart, all compliments were quickly dismissed. Healing means I’ve learned to sit with the uncomfortableness of the emotions that admiration and respect evoke – I lean into these emotions and feelings. Doing this rewires the brain and allows the nervous system to get used to new healthier emotions and feelings. In time the sluffing off or dismissing the compliments stop. Thankfully with healing, I learn how to get back the feelings of being respected and having self-respect. 😊

 

Healthy shame was/is behind some good choices too. For instance, I am open to listening to my sons if they want to share what their childhood was like living with me – the behaviours I manifested due to my own unprocessed trauma and while mis-medicated, and all that came with it. It’s painful yet necessary for their own healing. I own my part, I apologize, I listen, cry silently then thank and commend them for their courage to tell. Validation is super important for healing. I have felt the guilt and have apologized. This processing and releasing aids in healing. I recall what it feels like to not receive validation nor witness heartfelt remorse by my perpetrators so I will not do that to others.

 

Previously, toxic Shame had too much power. I now observe how it impacts others. I see it manifest in so many ways and gone is the urge to explain myself [fight response]. Emotional distance aka healthy boundaries is crucial for my nervous system’s continual healing. While I understand where unhealthy behaviours come from it’s not okay to allow myself to be mistreated – to have others’ shame thrown onto me. I won’t wear it. Healthy Boundaries are super important. Each time I talk to God about it the answer is the same – ‘stay away and let them do their own work; ensure your own peace.’ Shame binds to nearly every feeling if we let it. I refuse to let it have power anymore. And this feels marvelous! Had no idea how liberating it would feel to not carry toxic shame.

 

This is a big part of the FREEDOM that Trauma Recovery provides. And until I began to have moments of being shackle-free, I had no idea how much life had been lived in chains, had no idea how much I struggled just to survive. I had no idea how much pain I was in nor that shame was usually in the driver’s seat of life. I thought this was normal for everyone. To be able to feel happy emotions and not go into dissociative states is such a triumph. Now THIS is thriving!

 

Evidence! Recently my eldest son was married. He married overseas and with COVID, it was wiser to be on the Zoom side of the event. To be able to be moved with tears of joy and feel my deep love and pride for him is such a beautiful blessing to experience. To tell him with happy tears how proud I am of him, how much I love him and how happy I am for him was a gift to him and me – he too was moved to tears. I know that a few years ago this couldn’t have happened. To be in the space and place where authenticity and being fully present lives is truly one of the best gifts that trauma recovery has to offer. For those who have never experienced such intense inter and intrapersonal connection, this may sound foreign. Let me say that being able to feel whole within, connected within is something to highly value.

 

THIS – the authenticity and mindfulness are some of the silver linings that come from all the hard work of self-examination, self-acceptance, leaning into emotions, addressing, learning, transforming, healing, processing, releasing, and gaining confidence – all this has been worth the work. Yes, every single tear, outcry and pain has been worth the effort. I don’t think there is anything more courageous than facing the *demons* of Childhood trauma.

 

As said in a previous blog, Trauma Recovery is like Emotional Physiotherapy. Childhood Trauma survivors need to learn how to address and accept the traumas [the injuries], develop the right emotional muscles to live life with greater ease, flexibility, movement, and confidence. We need to learn healthful coping strategies for managing whatever lies ahead, instead of doing the avoidance dance. The result? Joy, freedom, authenticity, confidence, connection, healthy relationships, happiness, calm, inner peace, and so much more. Having a peer to peer coaching relationship with a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach [CTRC] provides the right support.

 

I wish for you, the reader, to continue with your own trauma recovery process. Please don’t give up. The feelings and the amazing life that awaits you is well worth every step taken along the way. You Matter.

 

If you seek further support in the final leg of your recovery journey, please reach out to me.

 

I see you, I hear you, I care.

I’m starting to learn about IFS – Internal Family Systems. In looking at my childhood trauma through an IFS lens I’m realizing that many parts are dealing with the same burdens:

 

By the last bullet I mean that I grew up not feeling loved unconditionally, not fully accepted for who I am – didn’t feel accepted for being me. This resulted in questioning myself – who am I, every day, where do I belong, why can’t I fit in, and with this came a lot of self judgement and self-condemnation. I didn’t know how to simply BE, didn’t know what that felt like. Or maybe that I was just Too Much?

 

Now…these limiting beliefs – where they more than beliefs? Was I truly being treated this way or was it the shame stemming from childhood that led me to think I was being judged?

 

Well…..from what I see, from some in what used to be a close circle, there is an unwillingness or an ignorance on how to develop empathy muscles. There is a claiming of understanding but the actions don’t align with the words. This has become more evident after I disclosed about the sexual abuse. Therefore, I’m seeing pain and shame from others’ childhood experiences being projected onto me. The shame that I picked up from the sexual abuse plus this caused a volleying back and forth of the unwarranted shame within the family dynamic. It’s been exhausting.

 

I will no longer play the shame-volleying game. Shame doesn’t look good on me. It’s not my burden. 😊  Not my circus, not my monkeys.

 

I recall years ago we had people over for a backyard BBQ and a guest said: “Your family doesn’t appreciate who you are, do they?” I’m sure you can imagine how it felt to be truly seen in that moment. My whole body sighed. I felt so moved by this awareness, by this unsolicited comment.

 

During my trauma recovery journey, I have stopped the FAWNING. I got tired of contorting myself into being what I felt and thought others wanted. Now, the only approval that matters is God’s, with a healthy balanced sense of self-acceptance, self-approval, self-love and self-appreciation that follows. After so much self-loathing this last sentence sometimes appears and feels a bit self-centered to me. Sigh.

 

Every child deserves to see their parents’ eyes light up when they enter a room. Every child needs to feel fully welcomed and cherished – feel in their core that their existence matters. They need to feel their parents’ arms around them hugging them and protecting them. They need to feel nurtured and protected. I give the little ones inside me this kind of unconditional love. As their hearts become filled with goodness my outlook becomes less rigid and more loving and gentle. Healthy self-worth helps me to live connected to who I am and how I want to show up in life – who I choose to be. A load has been lifted. Shift happens.

 

Humility and humanity remind us we all hurt others unknowingly at times. Still, for civility, for connection, for peace and for healing we need to own what we’ve done. In life, it is not a matter of if we will hurt or offend others, it’s a matter of when. So what will we do when that happens – when someone shares that what we’ve said or done is hurtful? What is the healthful and loving way to respond? What will make way for relationship repair?

 

How many do you know who willingly admit their mistakes? How do you feel when you see someone be humble like this? It can draw you, right?

 

An unwillingness to listen says a lot about a person. Often a refusal to own and apologize comes from feelings of toxic shame and the fear of being swallowed up by such if there is an admittance. The individual would then be forced to face the unhealthy toxic shame and the self-condemnation that exists within so avoidance becomes a way of life. Being curious, asking questions is a great way to open the door to healing. It’s a way to kick the shame monster down to size – for all parties involved.

 

Unhealthy communication is a choice.

Avoidance is a choice.

Ignorance is a choice.

Feeling emotions is a choice.

 

Many don’t understand that childhood trauma survivors can’t have it both ways. Either the body is allowed to experience emotions – all emotions – or it is not. Period. There is no cherry picking of what the body can do re: emotions. The body cannot distinguish between pleasant and unpleasant emotions. To the body and nervous system all emotions are sensations, energy. It doesn’t label any as good or bad. So, when an individual forces self to stop feeling *unpleasant* emotions, the body has to dissociate, to disconnect from ALL emotions. As a result, the body cannot feel the *pleasant* emotions either.

 

It’s really that simple and that complicated.

 

Therefore, nearly all childhood trauma survivors have fears and challenges connecting to their feelings and emotions. Doing this work is scary and triggering. The words UNSAFE flash before the eyes like huge neon signs. With the right support these ones can learn to feel emotions little by little – gently dipping the toe in. I have memories of being made fun of because of my feelings and other times my feelings were used against me – to manipulate me, to dominate me, to gaslight me. It wasn’t safe.

 

Yes, trauma recovery requires safety. “Safety is defined by feeling safe and not simply removal of threat.” – Stephen Porges.

 

The question is – is it safe for me to be in my own power? Is it safe for you to be in your own power? Is it safe to be around you, around me?  Is it safe to simply BE?

 

Where I stand today, May 18, 2022, the answer is a resounded loud YES!!! It feels good to experience autonomy, to experience and live in my own free will. I do not need others’ approval to live fully. I accept me as I am, I love me as I am and I am convinced that God loves me as I am. 😊 I am happy to be me.

 

I also accept others for the way they are too. If needed, I can love certain ones from afar to maintain my own sense of inner safety, without guilt. This is self-regulation for me.

 

As a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach I am in my own journey of healing. I am also trained to support others in theirs. It is my passion to support childhood trauma survivors transform their travesty into triumph.

 

You are not alone. 😊

 

Sending love and acceptance to you all.

 

Throughout my teen years and early adulthood, I carried a fragmented memory—something that happened when I was about four or five, something I didn’t have language for at the time. It involved a sibling. It lived in my body before it had words.

Later, when I finally learned the term molestation, that memory clicked into place. It had a name.

Years later, at 29, I was doing a roleplay exercise where I spoke to my “father”—addressing the unspoken pain. I asked him why he spent so much time warning us about stranger danger, yet failed to protect me from his own son. The danger wasn’t outside. It lived inside our home.

A few weeks after that, I confronted my brother. I asked him if he remembered what happened. He nodded yes.

His response? “I’m sorry this still upsets you.”
It wasn’t accountability. It wasn’t remorse. It was deflection. It was blame-shifting.

Then he brought up something else—another event I hadn’t consciously remembered. He asked if I recalled the time when he hung me upside down out of an upstairs window. I didn’t—at least, not visually. But decades later, my nervous system would remember.

At the time, I didn’t fully grasp what was missing in his reaction. But now I see it: he didn’t understand the seriousness, the criminal nature, or the lasting physiological damage of what he’d done. He didn’t comprehend the boundary that was crossed—how that violation would echo through my developing brain, nervous system and sense of self. Not understanding as a child is one thing. But as an adult, it becomes a choice—and that choice causes harm.

His apology then was hollow. There was no grief in his voice. No recognition of the harm, no act of repair. No weight. Just words.

How does a toddler grow up feeling safe when she has to eat dinner each night beside her abuser?

How does a child build trust when her pain is minimized, when the grownups she turns to fail to protect her?

The truth is: she doesn’t.

And that’s the journey I’ve been on ever since—navigating life with wounds I didn’t ask for, which impacted everything that I did and choices I made going forward. Even with this monumental handicap I tried. I tried in school; I tried in life – doing my best to understand my story, to be a good mother, a loving wife, a person my God would be proud of.

It took me years to realize the quiet thread woven through every choice I made:

I never felt safe.
Not in my home. Not in my body. Not in the world.

Part of my healing now is just learning what safe feels like.
Letting it in.
Teaching my body that it no longer has to brace itself.
Learning to welcome calm without mistaking it for danger.

As a child, I was teased relentlessly. Called names meant to humiliate. Mocked. Hit. Shamed. The psychological abuse was ongoing. Home life wasn’t easy. I even attempted to unlive at 15 years old. And when I finally asked for help—when I told my parents about the abusive behaviour (the punching and name calling) —the interventions never touched the root of the abuse.

The message was clear:  Lisa’s feelings don’t matter. Lisa doesn’t deserve respect. Lisa doesn’t matter.

But that message isn’t truth.
It was trauma.
And I’m happy to say that I get to write a different one now.

Sibling Abuse: A Wound That Doesn’t Expire

Sibling abuse—whether sexual, emotional, psychological, or physical—leaves deep complex scars that can last a lifetime. Its impact is shaped by many factors: how early it began, how long it lasted, and—perhaps most importantly—whether the survivor received meaningful emotional support. Without that support, the harm compounds.

In my case, the sibling who sexually abused me was 8.5 years older. I was just four.

Was he under 18? Yes.
Did he understand that what he was doing was sexual assault? In 1968, likely not in those terms.
But did he know it was wrong? Yes—because he locked the door.

That memory haunted me for years. I’ve searched for answers that never arrived.
Was he exposed to pornography? Was he abused himself? I don’t know.

What I do know is that a couple of years later, a cousin came to live with us, sibling-like. She was a few years older than me—and she sexually abused me, too.

It’s no surprise I dissociated.
How else can a child survive in a home that’s not emotionally, physically, or psychologically safe?

Where Safety Should Have Been

As we know, abuse of any kind doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Anyone can Google and learn what the factors are that makes fertile soil for sibling abuse of any kind. There are always enablers and enabling circumstances. Things like unaddressed trauma in the caregivers, a patriarchal environment, parental neglect or emotional unavailability, failure to intervene, denial or minimization of situations or events, fear of consequences (shaming punishment), power imbalances, exposure to pornography, emotional illiteracy, and more.

I am aware that decades ago mental health and emotional trauma weren’t part of everyday conversations. Most families didn’t have the resources or understanding to recognize the signs of childhood trauma. Nor was there education for how to offer what parents never received emotionally themselves. As is said, it takes a village to raise a child, but I’ve also learned this: it also takes a village to abuse one.

Unfortunately, the family of origin’s emotional constipation—however unintentional—compounds the trauma.
There was no safety net. I felt. No protective or affectionate gaze. When I looked into others’ eyes, I saw shame, frustration, overwhelm, and judgement. Without the proper emotional education, there was no acknowledgment of harm. I never saw love.

Because of that, I grew up believing I didn’t belong anywhere. The message I received from my experiences was that I wasn’t fully accepted—even in my own family.

Until I began studying trauma, I just assumed something was wrong with me.

A Thousand Tiny Echoes of Abuse

There were other signs, too:

That’s what abuse whispers to a child:
You’re unworthy. You’re insignificant. You’re fundamentally wrong. You’re unlovable. It’s all your fault.

 

Interpersonal trauma including emotional neglect—especially when it happens in childhood—disrupts more than cognition. It affects how we relate, attach, communicate, and trust. The brain’s development is severely impacted. The cumulative effect is staggering.

And still, the biggest truth—the elephant in the room—is this:
I was sexually assaulted by my own siblings.
And it changed me in every way imaginable.

 

Breaking the Silence—and the Fallout That Followed

 

In 2019, I shared the truth with the rest of my siblings. I told them what happened. What he did.
What I’d carried. Although he had admitted it to me—and confessed doing something to me that was “reckless” to two of his three wives—he immediately began backpedaling.
He denied it to some and minimized it to others. He twisted the story. Painted me as the villain, as if I were “ruining his life.”

He even wrote: “I shouldn’t have to pay for the rest of my life for one non-malicious act.”

That sentence says everything.

No remorse. No accountability. No understanding of what it means to violate a child’s body, to fracture a family, to carry that wound into every corner of a life.

The Aftershocks

I’ve learned this:
When abusers lose the ability to control their victims physically, they often shift tactics. Psychological manipulation. Denial. DARVO. Grooming others to see them as the “real victim” and to doubt the accuser. Talk about cold-heartedness.

And the shame? It doesn’t just land on the survivor. It becomes part of every family member. And it poisons relationships, corrodes trust, fractures families. His refusal to take responsibility created a ripple effect. And now the rest of his biological family are left sorting through the wreckage. The thing is, who of them is willing to do the work of sorting?

Because when a secret like this comes into the light, it doesn’t just shatter silence.
It shatters illusions. And people don’t always react well when the story they’ve clung to falls apart.

It was difficult to witness the resistance to the truth amongst the siblings. That they just didn’t want to believe me. Rather, they took his side as evidenced by believing his denial and minimizations. They wanted to believe it wasn’t true, so they allowed their ears to be tickled and not cling to the truth. They abandoned me while inviting this abuser brother into their lives and homes to visit. This emotional abandonment is another form of abuse. It hurt worse that the sexual assault.

Owning the Truth, Finding the Light

Spending over five decades hiding the truth fractured me in ways I couldn’t keep living with. The denial, disconnection, and dysfunction became too heavy. That path—the one paved with silence—only leads to self-destruction.

And yet, I understand why people choose it.
Isn’t it easier to pretend it didn’t happen?
To minimize it? Ignore it?
To side with the abuser’s version—because facing the truth means confronting shame, guilt, blame, and powerlessness?

But silence has a cost. And eventually, it comes due. Just because I’ve come to learn that individuals can only meet you where they’re at – at their own capacity, doesn’t mean that how they all responded was right or acceptable. And I will not pretend the abuse never happened ever again. Their comfort, their feelings, are not my responsibility.

When I first disclosed, I received messages from siblings expressing shock, concern, support. They asked how they could help. I gave them all the same answer:
Educate yourself.
On child abuse. On sibling abuse. On DARVO. Learn the pattern. Learn the impact.
With that I hoped. I hoped they would show me—not just with words, but with sustained understanding. Then they’d be able to support me with knowledge and insight, and, above all, with compassion.

But for the most part, that follow-through never came. Not after they asked the abuser brother of it was true…and they chose to believe him.

There’s a familiar family dance when it comes to discomfort:
“If we don’t talk about it, it’ll go away.
If we avoid the tension long enough, maybe everything can go back to normal.”

But that isn’t healing. That’s avoidance. And avoidance silences the survivor. It dishonors the wound. It creates toxicity instead of resolution.

By the time someone finally offered to truly listen, the abandonment had already done its damage. I asked that sibling what they’d be willing to do to help me feel safe. That was in August 2019.

I’m still waiting for a reply.

Yes, a few have reached out since. But their words proved hollow—kind, perhaps, but not connected to empathy or action. It seems they don’t want to do the emotional and self-awareness work.
Because compassion isn’t lip service.
Compassion starts with empathy, which means to suffer with. To feel with. To stay present.

And after years of being gaslit, dismissed, mocked, ignored… my brain and nervous system are still protecting me. They do not feel safe with them. I’ve learned the signs I missed before. Until there is clear, consistent, and courageous effort to repair, I must keep my distance. Their criticism, judgment and somehow making what I’m going through to be about them needs to stop.

Before any relationship can evolve, the elephant in the room must be acknowledged.

There’s a line from Sibling Abuse: Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma that struck+ me like lightning:

“Emotional abuse, as the child abuse literature states, is more prevalent and potentially even more destructive than other forms of child abuse.”

Emotional neglect doesn’t just hurt—it erodes identity. It teaches you that your existence is too much, or not enough. That who you are is somehow undeserving.

And now, fMRI studies are showing what survivors have always known in their bones: emotional neglect causes damage to the brain that rivals sexual abuse.

The little girl inside still sometimes asks:
Where was my mother? Why didn’t my father protect me?
Was I not lovable enough? Didn’t I matter?

Yes, my mom occasionally scolded a brother or two. But it didn’t stop the abuse. It didn’t make the home safe. And the failure to ensure home was safe and nurturing rang louder than any words.

Trauma experts agree:
The best way to heal childhood trauma is through safe, consistent emotional connection.
Not silence.
Not distance.
Not denial.

And yet—even with all this—I am healing.

I have cried. Prayed. Grieved. Drowned in toxic shame. I’ve stumbled, faltered. I kept picking myself up and kept going.

And I’ve come a long, long way.

I’ve stopped waiting for family to become who I needed. Eventually I learned to let that hope go. I’ve made peace with the idea that they may never understand. This is between them and God.
Instead, I anchor myself to the ones who do:

They are my blessings.
They are a provision.
They are the answer when I pray for direction—and the reply comes, “Not them. Not now. I am what you need.”

And trust me, I’ve had many very dark moments. I’ve wrestled with monsters and made peace with my past.
I no longer feel unworthy or unlovable.
I don’t carry shame for my wounds or guilt for how others respond to my truth.
Their behaviour is theirs. I choose peace.

I’ve learned that shame often hides behind anger or fear or hurt.
That cruel or dismissive comments and criticism are often propelled by guilt—or ignorance.
And ignorance?
That’s a choice.

Because it’s easier to attack the whistleblower than to face the truth. And I am so tired of being criticized by them.

But I will keep telling my story. I am not ashamed of what happened to me. I am not ashamed of my story. The shame isn’t mine – it’s theirs.

Because I know what it feels like to be the only one in the room carrying the weight of the truth.
And I don’t want other survivors of sibling abuse or childhood trauma to feel as alone as I once did.

I choose to walk beside others as they navigate the winding path toward healing. It is an honor. A sacred trust.

And I want you to know this:

You are not alone in your healing journey.

Thank you for holding space for mine.

Lisa Hilton, CTCP-A, a Trauma & Resilience Specialist, walks along adult survivors of childhood trauma, post therapy, so they can reach their healing goals and live their life joyously shackle free.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LEFT …..

D
A
N
G
L
I
N
G
?

I have….. many times, literally and metaphorically.

Have you noticed how this impacts your nervous system?

This is a recent epiphany for me – today in fact.

Left Dangling – As a childhood trauma survivor I’ve experienced this on different levels. I’ve addressed many of my traumas, and this new one about dangling surfaced. This is a new realization of what my body and nervous system endured in the past.

Left dangling \ hanging evokes feelings of abandonment, rejection, fear, unworthiness, and confusion. Definitely a sense of powerlessness. One’s sense of justice cries out. It is a tool, when used intentionally, to get the need met for power and control. This happens in private life and in professional life – it can happen in every relationship.

How was I left Dangling, literally? Well…. And here is a Trigger warning:

Before I was 3, brother #2 led me to a 2nd story bedroom and dangled me outside, upside down. He is 8.5 years older than me. I have no recollection of this event. HOWEVER, my nervous system most certainly does.
How do I know this happened?

When I confronted this same brother about memories of something sexual he did to me he said something like: Don’t you remember me hanging you upside down outside M’s window? I thought you’d remember that more than this.

This comment alone says so much about his headspace, his lack of empathy to the assault he subjected me to and was sidestepping towards another trauma he inflicted. Perhaps this one of dangling me outside a 2nd story window impacted him more? Who really knows. True, he was a kid himself…. Still…. I was a toddler. Both incidents were life-altering for me. I have never been the same since.

This soooo makes sense why in July 2018 I had such a physiological response to his religious abuse. I felt absolutely terrorized and frightened out of my mind by him and this experience.

Clearly there is a somatic response to leaving me hanging, dangling. I can see how much that terrifies me. I see now how it showed up in the decisions I’ve made – of my insatiable need to know, to understand so that I have clarity and am not left behind, not left *hanging/dangling*. Confusion itself can be a trigger for me. This fear of dangling, of not having the support I need, the knowledge I believe I need, spurs me on to keep reaching forward until this need is met. My nervous system sees this as a matter of life or death….and it is not something that can be reasoned away, unfortunately – not when I’m feeling that dangling feeling.

In looking back, there are pivotal times in my life where I was left dangling, without support. These were events that were big in my life as a little girl. And when a little girl is left, abandoned emotionally, what message does she receive?

Abuse alone makes one feel isolated and alone. It terrifies. The psychological damage that emotional neglect evokes is more damaging than the physical or sexual abuse itself. The feeling of betrayal is deep…. Deep….. Deep.

When a woman is left *dangling* in relationships that she needs to feel connected, loved, supported and respected…. Wouldn’t she feel pushed into feeling that her existence is in danger, that the next choice is a matter of survival? Especially when there is a literal somatic memory of dangling and powerless to stop it?

It truly is amazing how childhood experiences show up later in life.

Healing requires the conscious brain to acknowledge what the body and nervous system experienced – that the events which evoke these feelings…. Happened. The mind / body connection needs to be and childhood trauma survivors have often developed a disconnect between these two.

I tell my clients – You have to Name it to Tame it.

And as a fellow trauma survivor I too must walk my talk. Trauma recovery requires acknowledgement of what happened [each time I somatically acknowledge an event such as described above I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me. My body has a physiological response and I need days to recover] Therefore, I must name the experience[s], sit in the feelings that arise and use this as an opportunity for self compassion, self understanding and if needed, self forgiveness. It is not about pointing fingers or assigning blame. After I do this, the unpleasant feelings dissipate and inner peace arrives. These are replaced by feelings of love, acceptance, compassion, appreciation and PEACE! This is what makes trauma recovery worth the work.

I admit, healing is messy. Here I am 3.5 years into the hardest work I’ve ever done. Current life challenges that we all experience always have connections to the past if some parts of the past are unresolved. Detoxing from the past is ongoing. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago and I see it as a good thing.

Feeling some of the pain does not mean one is weak.

Rather it requires tremendous strength and courage to face unknowns or terrorizing and humiliating experiences. Yet you don’t have to relive them.

Having a compassionate witness to sit with, to offer validation, encouragement, support, comfort, and provide some navigating ideas…. All this helps the childhood trauma survivor keep doing the healing work.

We ALL need that one close, heart to heart connection. We ALL need to feel attuned to, to feel validated. THIS is where healing happens. If you have more than one such connection, then please consider yourself blessed.

Life carries on. It is not fun nor fulfilling sitting in the sidelines. Trauma survivors often feel like observers of  life instead of participants. They want and need more – to keep moving forward – to keep on climbing. We all are designed to feel and experience joy. We need to feel free, to live the life we love, to feel exhilaration – authenticity. As a childhood trauma survivor, I can confidently say:  it’s worth ALL the work.

You are NOT Alone.

THIS is also what I offer my clients. I have lived experience in Childhood Trauma. I get it.
~Compassion
~Acceptance
~Safety
~Attunement
My CASA Method of Coaching

I sit WITH you. I’m here.

This IS MY SUPERPOWER.