I am realizing in my own journey and as I watch other people interact, I am concluding that many of us childhood trauma survivors struggle with living in a world of absolutes. Brutal honesty here - Until I began my own journey, I didn’t know why I seemed to gravitate towards needing control and yet I HATED being controlled and I resented the feeling that I “had” to oversee everything. Quite the paradox!
Soon enough I learned that my sense of safety or lack thereof was behind it all. It began to make sense and eventually I came to understand that I don’t think I ever truly felt safe. When I look back on that inner rigidity, I chuckle. I see now how much unnecessary pressure I put on myself and those around me. How unkind and unloving it was – silly me – I was a trauma survivor, and I was just trying to feel safe. Enter the self-compassion.
As you can see, I’m processing this absolute thinking and how criticism, judgment, and wanting conformity or uniformity all came from the same feelings of fear, shame, and powerlessness. This is what I am figuring out:
Uniformity fears difference because it views deviation as a threat to stability, and stability means safety. It is rigid and conditional: "You are only safe/acceptable if you agree with me." Being critical and judgmental is often a subconscious defense mechanism. It is an attempt to force the world into neat, predictable, "uniform" categories so the nervous system doesn't have to face the terrifying ambiguity of difference.
Moving from demanding uniformity to allowing unity takes time. It involves teaching the brain and nervous system that someone can disagree or be different from you and still be safe to love and connect with.
Unity is about being aligned despite differences. It’s like an orchestra—a violin, a flute, and a drum are completely different instruments making different sounds, but they work together to create a single piece of music. Unity values the collective whole without requiring individuals to erase who they are. And I don’t want anyone have to feel that. So, this blog is about making sense of this old mindset and learning how to manage the need for uniformity and feel safe enough to be open to the differences - the gray of life – teaching the amygdala (threat detection centre) that you are an adult now and know what to do and have to power to do that to keep you safe.
Here are some steps that can help - IPGP.
1. Inner child validation and support. This is ongoing work because each time there are flashbacks, more compassion, understanding, validation and support must be shown.
~ There are also somatic movements that help the brain transition from survival mode to safe thriving mode.
2. Pause and name the part that’s protecting. The moment you catch yourself thinking in absolutes, (They always do this, They are completely wrong, This is ruined), pause. Instead of fighting the thought, name it with curiosity rather than shame.
~ For example - instead of saying, I am being so judgmental right now, try saying, A part of me is feeling highly critical right now because it feels unsafe or disconnected.
This creates psychological distance.
~ Remember, You are not your trauma response; it is just a protective mechanism (part or inner child) running in the background.
3. Get Grounded. Take two or three long, slow exhalations (making the exhale longer than the inhale). Feel your feet flat on the floor or touch something physically textured nearby.
~ Remind your body: I am safe right now. A difference in opinion or behaviour cannot hurt me in this moment.
4. Pivot to using, And. When you notice the either/or thinking, practice inserting the word, and. This allows flexibility so you can hold two seemingly opposite truths at the same time. For example:
1. They are doing this completely wrong and it's frustrating, to, They are doing this differently than I would, and their way might still work out okay.
2. If I make a mistake here, I am a total failure, to, I messed up this specific task, and I am still a capable, worthy person.
Other strategies
To train your brain out of the survival binary over time, you can use these two mental filters when you feel the urge to judge:
1. "What is the third option?" When your brain gives you a menu with only two choices (e.g., Succeed or Fail, Perfect or Terrible), explicitly force yourself to invent a third middle-ground option. What does a "70% good" outcome look like?
2. "Is this a safety issue or a preference issue?" Ask yourself: Is this person actually putting me in danger, or are they just failing to conform to how I think things should be done? Separating actual danger from mere discomfort is a massive step in trauma recovery.
Be incredibly gentle with yourself as you practice this. That inner critic spent years keeping you safe in a chaotic world; it takes time to convince it that it's finally allowed to retire.
In time, childhood trauma survivors will notice less bodily tension and a more relaxed way of being. Confidence grows as we see that we can manage emotions successfully – that differences are not threatening to our wellbeing – that we can feel safe enough. Here is where that sense of freedom exists and you deserve to feel this.
