Are you like me in that you’ve spent countless hours, weeks, years trying to figure out what’s wrong with you? You know something’s off and while it takes a long time to identify it. The brain fog is such a struggle.
Recalling the words spoken to me by someone who loved me, he said: “People don’t just like you, the want to BE you!”
I couldn’t “get it” back then. No matter how hard I tried, there was a block. Finally, I do now, today. It’s been over 7 years of focused trauma recovery work. What a journey that has been!
I have crossed over that line where I can finally FEEL my worth.
Not seeing my value, my worth, held me back sooo much in my life. It’s painful to look back and see how much it did. How sad – I didn’t grasp opportunities what would have put my life on completely different trajectories both professionally and personally. Not that I regret who I am today – I’m simply curious about that part.
Even while raising my family, low self-worth impacted so much. I held myself back. I didn’t see how valuable I was and am in my sons’ lives. I couldn’t see how much I brought to their world and how much they loved and needed me, how much they appreciated me. Oh, I knew the value of motherhood cerebrally, but to feel that value inside, my value….that is something totally different.
And now I weep a little; weep as the realization of how much I failed to emotionally support my children as much as I wanted to, because I just didn’t see my worth. I was blocked from doing so. And admittedly, there is a bit of anger there for all the lost moments, for what I missed celebrating as a mom, for not being able to be fully present, no matter how much I wanted to be from the get to.
I was shy even towards my kids. I couldn’t be authentic, I didn’t know how. I had a hard time making eye contact – and that has shame written all over it.
What helped remove this block are trauma recovery strategies. These include doing TIM (Trauma Informed Movement) created by fellow CPTSD coach Linda Meredith, coupled with deeper journalling and line writing of affirmations. I also increased my spiritual/religious activities, intensely focusing on letting God’s love into my heart and letting that truly BE. I kept reminding myself that since God believes I am a precious daughter of his, then I must be! Who am I to call my heavenly Father wrong?!
In time, the intense desire to be with my kids resurfaced. (the longing for connection had disappeared while I was battling the demons of childhood trauma.)
It is so exciting to have broken through this barrier and to feel freer than I have ever felt!
Trauma recovery is long and arduous work. Nevertheless, it is so worth it. I am worth it! And so are you.
Ah, my confidence is growing. My trauma recovery journey has hit a milestone. When looking back we see that bit by bit, we take back our power, we connect to the little one who was so wounded and help her come out of the shadows and let her light shine. We help her feel safe, loved, and valued. Her and I get to taste that God is good, that we can live life shackle free, as He intended. It feels so good to let go of an abuse-based lie that I had been living under all these decades.
Yes, it was oppression, degradation, gaslighting, shame, unworthiness, powerlessness, and more. Each time we childhood trauma survivors shed another layer, we feel lighter, smile brighter, we stand up taller, we make eye contact without shame, and we smile more. We appreciate who we are and love ourselves healthfully.
