Did you experience an environment where you didn’t feel loved and accepted? Where it seemed that more energy was put into punishing a mistake than teaching how to do things better or think through a problem?
I thought that punishment was discipline, but this is an untruth. Discipline involves teaching, education, and explaining. It involves conversations that include the mind and heart. Punishment is used with the intention to make the other “feel” bad (shame) for making a mistake so that they’ll “learn” to be better. And without being shown or taught how.
Shaming a person into improvement does not work. No one thrives in constant criticism.
This mindset was very common post WWII. And now, decades later, sociologists and behaviorists see how damaging a shame-based upbringing is.
When there is a type of shame-based upbringing, blended with an emotionally vacant environment, the outcome is dysfunction at its best. At worst, it becomes a foundation for building narcissists, mental health and social disorders, addictions and other maladaptive coping strategies. Why?
Because we are created for connection. Treatment as described above does not endear one to another; it separates and isolates instead. Shame makes one withdraw, hide. The feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, pain, frustration, powerlessness, unlovableness, etc., are too great for any child to manage so numbing out (Freeze) is usually the coping strategy of choice.
Being in a family where this is the norm, these feelings can also morph into a Fight trauma response and sibling strife becomes common. This then can lead to sibling abuse - demeaning, mocking, harsh and even violent treatment, way beyond sibling rivalry.
As I continue my trauma recovery journey, insights like the above add clarity as to why I am the way I am, or rather, why I was the way I was. This, in turn, supports the growth of self-worth and self-acceptance. Growing up never feeling loved, accepted, and wanted does a number on a person’s self-worth. It is a relief to grasp that all these limiting beliefs are temporary because new neural pathways are being made and new healthy beliefs are being established and becoming entrenched.
I look back with a twinge of sadness – how sad it is to live with a critical mindset -- how much joy and connections people miss out on because of unhealthy mindsets.
When healing happens, there are glimmers of hope, freedom from the shackles of abuse, and sacred periods of time that are full of authenticity and joy. All the work needed to heal makes it completely worthwhile.
My wish for you is to experience these good feelings of joy, connection, and authenticity. And that they increase in duration to where these become your “normal.”
