Looking back, I am beginning to think I’ve lived pretty much the past 50+ years in various forms of dissociation. It’s amazing really, how the body and brain work so that I was able to grow up and accomplish all that I did while often being disconnected to my feelings and without a deep awareness of self. This means that I’ve merely existed, lived mostly in survival mode and not really thrived – all due to childhood experiences. And…. that no longer matters, really. What matters is today and how I can live life authentically now, being in the present and being able to enjoy life’s precious moments without being disconnected, worrying about the future or living in the past.
“Dissociative disorders usually develop as a way to cope with trauma. The disorders most often form in children subjected to long-term physical, sexual or emotional abuse or, less often, a home environment that’s frightening or highly unpredictable. The stress of war or natural disasters also can bring on dissociative disorders. Personal identity is still forming during childhood. A child is more able than an adult to step outside of himself or herself and observe trauma as though it’s happening to a different person. A child who learns to dissociate to endure a traumatic experience may use this coping mechanism in response to stressful situations throughout life”. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215
Dissociation manifests itself in various ways. It becomes a life-saving strategy. What I have experienced is also called Derealization or Depersonalization. It is a sense of detachment or being outside yourself — observing your actions, feelings, thoughts and self from a distance as though watching a movie (depersonalization). Other people and things around you may feel detached and foggy or dreamlike, time may be slowed down or sped up, and the world may seem unreal (derealization). You may experience depersonalization, derealization or both. Symptoms may last only a few moments or come and go over many years.
It is a common symptom of C-PTSD. Dissociation is part of the Freeze trauma response. For a child to endure horrific treatment so she doesn’t feel the pain, physical or emotional, she will numb out, pretend it didn’t happen or separate herself from the reality and see herself in the 3rd person. There was too much sensory information.
It has taken me a long time to even be aware when I am in dissociative brain. Now after learning some mindfulness techniques, I can sense when I am not fully present. I no longer panic nor get upset. I acknowledge it and if I can, go about my day. If you’d like to learn the skills to become more present so you can enjoy life more fully, please reach out and let’s chat.
Lisa B Hilton, CTRC, of Hilton Coaching & Consulting, is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach and supports adult survivors of childhood traumas and neglect. Her focus is walking with the client in their healing journey supporting the transformation of travesty into triumph.
Have you heard of Cognitive Dissonance?
Are you aware of what it is?
Have you seen it in action in yourself? In others?
What can you do when you are struggling with this yourself?
How can you help yourself when seeing this in others?
In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values, and is typically experienced as psychological stress or literal head pain. The discomfort is triggered by the person’s belief clashing with new information, and so they try to find a way to resolve the contradiction to reduce the discomfort. When two actions or ideas are not psychologically consistent with each other, people do all in their power to change them until they become consistent or resolve this discrepancy.
Sometimes one can literally feel like the brain almost is splitting as it works to make sense of this new information. Often there is outright resistance. So, it can show up as denial, or in words like: I can’t believe that is true! So and so wouldn’t do something like that- I know him or her! That’s impossible. You’re making this up! You’re blowing this out of proportion – it can’t be that bad!
Most survivors of childhood abuse experience cognitive dissonance [CD] when some memories start to surface. Sometimes there are no picture memories, or only bits and pieces that appear out of nowhere or perhaps there are waves of intense emotions that cause extreme anxiety or terror without pictures and it’s not certain where or why this is happening. These are Emotional Flashbacks.
When these begin to happen sometimes the abuse victim has periods of Cognitive Dissonance. This is because she or he is trying to make sense of what is happening inside.
Other times these same victims will experience CD from others when they start to tell their story.
Often the ones that the abuse survivors hoped would believe them and or support them don’t believe the survivor. Those with cognitive dissonance are in total denial of what happened.
It’s good to remember this – Denial is a choice. This is because it stems from ignorance, a lack of understanding and education, which are choices one makes.
Yes, Denial is a choice. In fact, for some abuse survivors you’ll see how CD can be so deep that these ones even deny their denial. Denial is contagious and I see it as another pandemic in our world.
Years ago, I heard this expression: “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” Meaning we cannot convince another unless that person wants to and is willing to be open to other ideas or possibilities. If that person is willing to entertain the idea that he or she may not have all the facts, then they may be open to the new information.
How does CD show up in others besides denial of your experiences? Well, it can manifest in avoidance of the topic or in avoidance of you, the one talking of a sex crime. It can manifest in retaliation or slander of the victim, and the like. Usually, it’s more often shown in quiet or covert disagreement.
How do you deal with this pain, the feeling of judgement and or rejection by the cognitive dissonance of others?
Here are a few things that helped me work through this.
Change your thinking– how?
- Adopt Radical Acceptance– over time I learned to accept that there will always be those who don’t want to hear the truth. It is not our job to change another’s thinking.
There may also be resistance to accept the fact that each one of us humans is capable of having egregious or wicked thoughts and even acting on them. Fortunately, most of us don’t act on them.
- Change Management stats: show that when there is a change being implemented about 20% buy in right away, 60% need more information to concede or agree and 20% will never agree and probably resist the change. So, for the sake of your own healing, focus on that 20% who believe you right away and acknowledge that the other 60% may just need more time to assess and gather more information.
It is a disservice to child abuse victim/survivors if all energy is focused on the 20% who will never “get it” nor believe. Focussing on this group is a guaranteed road of futility, discouragement, and needless suffering. For healing it’s beneficial to let that last 20% go.
Get moving
- Do something every day to burn off the stress that the body has held onto for so long. You can dance, walk, hike, anything that moves your body and dissipates its stress.
Practice Mindfulness
- The purpose of this is to gently learn to notice what’s happening around you and when you’re ready, to notice what’s happening inside you. Trauma recovery needs self awareness for healing. I have some Mindfulness practices for members of the Kaleidoscope Community.
Understand the level of shame that your childhood trauma caused and notice how it’s impacted your life
Practice Self Compassion
- Self compassion is the antidote to shame.
- Be patient with yourselves as these memories start to arise. Work hard at not judging self.
- Learn to love yourself not necessarily despite childhood experiences, rather, because of them.
- Be determined to change negative and self-defeating thinking into a mindset that is healthy and conducive to reaching recovery goals instead of hindering.
- Connect with a certified Trauma Recovery Coach who can help you navigate your healing journey, assuring you feel and see that you’re not alone, that you matter, that your pain matters.
I trust it has been helpful to learn what cognitive dissonance is, how it shows up and learning what you can do make self more open to your own healing journey. Feel free to print this off and/or refer to it as you continue to develop healthy coping strategies for your own trauma recovery.
I trust that this has been helpful for you. If you’d like further information on how to show self compassion or identifying what the next step is in your healing journey, feel free to contact me.
Lisa B Hilton, CTRC, of Hilton Coaching & Consulting, is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach and supports adult survivors of childhood traumas and neglect. Her focus is walking with the client in their healing journey supporting the transformation of travesty into triumph.
After hearing Brené’s podcast with Harriet Lerner on Apologizing I was reminded of some important truths:
- Those who’ve done the most damage often is the least able to apologize.
- Those who do a lot of harm do so because they come from a place of their own deep shame.
- The non-apologizers walk along a tight rope above a huge canyon of low self esteem.
- Arrogance can be a sign of low self esteem.
- When we speak our truth, it is done to hear our own truth from our own voice, saying it validates what’s happened. No need to expect the apology to validate our pain.
- Those who don’t apologize- it doesn’t have anything to do with love for you. It is all to do with the size and strength of their own platform of self worth.
- Sometimes people won’t apologize because if they do, they’ll collapse into shame so deeply that they can’t see themselves out.
- Being able to apologize for own your part in the situation shows a healthy self esteem, it comes from a place of integrity, and that you value the relationship.
Being a Good Listener
- Notice when we are listening in defensive mode. This is manifested by listening for the inaccuracies or what you don’t agree with. These can be addressed at another time.
- Listen to understand. Listen for what is in common or for the ESSENCE of what is being said.
- Being a good listener is also knowing when it is a good time for you to be at your best to listen well. And it’s ok to set up a time when and a place where you can be more engaged and open with the conversation.
- Defensiveness is the arch enemy of listening and connecting.
- Listening to someone tell us we’ve hurt them is hard to do. It is easier when we focus on the injured party’s pain and care more about them and their healing in that moment over our own stuff.
- Stay curious.
- Listening means you stop talking, defending, excusing. Just listen and breathe.
Apologizing gives us three gifts
- Gift to the hurt party – it validates their wounds and shows respect
- Gift to self – being vulnerable requires courage. Apologizing sincerely improves own self esteem and builds our own integrity
- Gift to the relationship – shows we value the relationship more than being ‘right’.
UNCODITIONAL LOVE – Previously I’ve shared on FB my aha moment of what *belonging to me* now means. That realization was monumental and huge leap in my trauma recovery journey. This opening door allowed me to experience something new. Now there is the ability to give myself unconditional love.
If we’ve never experienced unconditional love from our parents or primary caregiver, we don’t know what that kind of love feels like nor looks like. We may even judge it as ‘a way that people can take advantage’ and let’s be frank here, who wants to be taken advantage of? So again, here’s more fear-based thinking that we just accept while growing up as ‘normal’. Until….. there is self awareness – beginning with an analysis of personal values and doing the hard work of shedding unwanted thoughts and behaviour patterns, then we become ready to fully adopt the ones we like – the ones that make life richer and happier and support living life authentically.
This includes eliminating the lies that abuse and neglect force us to swallow which are: that we are to blame for the abuse, that we should be ashamed of ourselves, that we are unworthy of love and respect and that we are powerless to change. This is all part of the work of “making our minds over”. The more I do Trauma Recovery Coaching, the more I see how much Shame has influenced behaviours, attitudes, outlooks, relationships, marriages, employment, etc. It truly lives everywhere.
Healing to this point where being able to give myself that unconditional love is FANTASTIC! It brings mental and emotional freedom that clears the path in so many ways. It is a bit scary at times because it is such a new experience. That said, giving myself the love and compassion that I missed out on still is healing and helps me be more loving, understanding and patient towards others too.
This article explains simply the physiological, mental, and relational benefits of receiving unconditional love. And if we didn’t receive that while growing up, all is not lost because us abuse survivors can still ‘parent’ ourselves and we can live authentic and emotionally healthy lives.
https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/restoring-families/power-of-unconditional-love/
