After hearing Brené’s podcast with Harriet Lerner on Apologizing I was reminded of some important truths:
- Those who’ve done the most damage often is the least able to apologize.
- Those who do a lot of harm do so because they come from a place of their own deep shame.
- The non-apologizers walk along a tight rope above a huge canyon of low self esteem.
- Arrogance can be a sign of low self esteem.
- When we speak our truth, it is done to hear our own truth from our own voice, saying it validates what’s happened. No need to expect the apology to validate our pain.
- Those who don’t apologize- it doesn’t have anything to do with love for you. It is all to do with the size and strength of their own platform of self worth.
- Sometimes people won’t apologize because if they do, they’ll collapse into shame so deeply that they can’t see themselves out.
- Being able to apologize for own your part in the situation shows a healthy self esteem, it comes from a place of integrity, and that you value the relationship.
Being a Good Listener
- Notice when we are listening in defensive mode. This is manifested by listening for the inaccuracies or what you don’t agree with. These can be addressed at another time.
- Listen to understand. Listen for what is in common or for the ESSENCE of what is being said.
- Being a good listener is also knowing when it is a good time for you to be at your best to listen well. And it’s ok to set up a time when and a place where you can be more engaged and open with the conversation.
- Defensiveness is the arch enemy of listening and connecting.
- Listening to someone tell us we’ve hurt them is hard to do. It is easier when we focus on the injured party’s pain and care more about them and their healing in that moment over our own stuff.
- Stay curious.
- Listening means you stop talking, defending, excusing. Just listen and breathe.
Apologizing gives us three gifts
- Gift to the hurt party – it validates their wounds and shows respect
- Gift to self – being vulnerable requires courage. Apologizing sincerely improves own self esteem and builds our own integrity
- Gift to the relationship – shows we value the relationship more than being ‘right’.
UNCODITIONAL LOVE – Previously I’ve shared on FB my aha moment of what *belonging to me* now means. That realization was monumental and huge leap in my trauma recovery journey. This opening door allowed me to experience something new. Now there is the ability to give myself unconditional love.
If we’ve never experienced unconditional love from our parents or primary caregiver, we don’t know what that kind of love feels like nor looks like. We may even judge it as ‘a way that people can take advantage’ and let’s be frank here, who wants to be taken advantage of? So again, here’s more fear-based thinking that we just accept while growing up as ‘normal’. Until….. there is self awareness – beginning with an analysis of personal values and doing the hard work of shedding unwanted thoughts and behaviour patterns, then we become ready to fully adopt the ones we like – the ones that make life richer and happier and support living life authentically.
This includes eliminating the lies that abuse and neglect force us to swallow which are: that we are to blame for the abuse, that we should be ashamed of ourselves, that we are unworthy of love and respect and that we are powerless to change. This is all part of the work of “making our minds over”. The more I do Trauma Recovery Coaching, the more I see how much Shame has influenced behaviours, attitudes, outlooks, relationships, marriages, employment, etc. It truly lives everywhere.
Healing to this point where being able to give myself that unconditional love is FANTASTIC! It brings mental and emotional freedom that clears the path in so many ways. It is a bit scary at times because it is such a new experience. That said, giving myself the love and compassion that I missed out on still is healing and helps me be more loving, understanding and patient towards others too.
This article explains simply the physiological, mental, and relational benefits of receiving unconditional love. And if we didn’t receive that while growing up, all is not lost because us abuse survivors can still ‘parent’ ourselves and we can live authentic and emotionally healthy lives.
https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/restoring-families/power-of-unconditional-love/
