Have you ever felt the sting of a double standard — where someone expects grace, understanding, or respect from you, but offers little of it in return? 

Double standards don’t build connection — they create confusion, resentment, and distance.
They often show up in subtle, relational ways that are hard to name but deeply felt. 

At the root of many double standards are traits like emotional immaturity, unacknowledged pain, and sometimes, subtle narcissistic behaviors. These aren’t always dramatic or intentional — in fact, they often fly under the radar, masked as personality quirks or “just how someone is.” As licensed clinical social worker Bree Bonchay points out, these traits can quietly undermine relationships, creating imbalance and frustration. The list below reflects some of those patterns.  

You may recognize them in others — and maybe, if you’re willing to be gently honest, in yourself too. 

This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness.
Because it’s awareness — paired with honesty, humility, and integrity — that allows us to build stronger, healthier connections. 

1. Grandiose, yet fragile 

1. Can dish it out, but can’t take it 

1. Demanding you meet their needs, but uninterested in meeting yours 

1. Hypersensitive, yet insensitive 

1. Oppositional, yet intolerant of opposition 

1. Emotionally intitled, yet depriving 

1. Quick to blame, but unwilling to accept accountability 

1. Image conscious, but lacks self-awareness 

1. Expects absolute loyalty, but is quick to betray others 

1. Demands constant praise, but is very critical 

She labels these as “the narcissistic paradoxes of double standards.” 

We know that the word narcissistic is thrown around a lot these days. Unfortunately with people becoming more socially attuned we are now able to identify some of our experiences and perhaps even our own behaviours. Being imperfect, we all have a thread of what is now called narcissism inside (self-centeredness). Knowing this and doing something about it is the jam. Emotionally and spiritually mature people don’t make excuses for their imperfections. 

So let’s reframe her 10 into something more self-reflective. 

1. Do I think/believe I deserve to be respected and feel hurt when I am not? 

1. I find it easy to tease or be sarcastic yet don’t like it when I am the brunt of other’s “jokes?” 

1. Do I want people to meet my needs but make excuses why I’m not there for others? 

1. Am I easily offended while not being aware that I can be insensitive to other’s feelings and needs too? Perhaps being particular towards whom I show sympathy towards? 

1. I don’t like it when people talk back, ignore what I’m saying, yet have no problem standing up for myself and calling people out on their stuff that I don’t like. 

1. Do I expect others to respect my emotional needs yet am not sensitive to others’ needs, according to them? 

1. Am I quick to point out the faults of and the neglects of others but don’t like to fully own my failures in the relationship? 

1. Do I describe myself as being self-aware while downplaying my faults? 

1. Do I expect others to not talk about me negatively while I talk about them negatively?  

1. Do I expect to be commended and acknowledged for the good I do and the changes I’ve made but cannot seem to see the good in others or commend them for trying? 

And I’ll add 10 more. 

1. Do I struggle with apologizing — or offer apologies that shift the blame (“I’m sorry you feel that way”) instead of taking full responsibility? 

1. Am I more focused on how others make me feel than on how I make others feel? 

1. Do I interrupt, dominate conversations, or steer discussions back to my experiences — especially when others are trying to share something vulnerable? 

1. Do I secretly feel superior to others who are struggling — even if I don’t say it out loud? 

1. Do I expect people to “just know” what I need or want, and feel resentful when they don’t? 

1. Do I offer help or support to others with strings attached — expecting loyalty, praise, or reciprocation in return? 

1. Am I uncomfortable when others outshine me or receive more attention, even if I don’t say anything? 

1. Do I justify my emotional reactions but label others as “too sensitive” when they express theirs? 

1. Do I feel a need to always be the one who’s “right” or the one who has it “worse”? 

1. Do I struggle to genuinely celebrate others’ growth, achievements, or happiness unless I’m part of the credit? 

Closing Reflection: 

Reading this may sting a little. I get that. And it if you really want to heal, I suggest going a bit further and ask these questions to someone who knows you and is prepared to give honest, direct feedback. 

It’s likely that all of us, at some point, can see glimpses of ourselves in the reflections above. That’s not a reason for shame — it’s a reason for curiosity. The point isn’t to judge, but to ask:
Am I aware of these tendencies — and what am I doing to ensure they don’t quietly harm my relationships? 

Because underneath these traits — the defensiveness, the emotional distance, the harsh judgments — there are often deeper wounds:
Unhealthy self-worth. Jealousy. A sense of entitlement. Fear of vulnerability. A competitive spirit. A disconnection from our own feelings.
 

And under all of that?
Fear. Shame. Humiliation. Unworthiness. 

Sometimes these behaviors are not arrogance — they’re avoidance.
Not confidence — but protection.
Not meanness — but pain masked in control. 

When we behave this way, we may be trying to outrun the beliefs and fears we carry about ourselves. And being truly seen — flaws and all — can feel terrifying when we’ve learned to survive by hiding or controlling or when we never felt truly accepted. 

But here’s the truth:
To get to the place where it’s safe and comfortable to be seen, we must first do the tender, messy, transformative work of fully accepting ourselves — all parts.
That takes time. It takes inner rewiring. It takes ongoing nervous system support to fully recover from the wounds of childhood trauma. And as these long-standing wounds heal, we can look at ourselves honestly, admit our faults, and still love and accept ourselves as we are, without feeling shame.  

If you’ve made it to this point in the blog, you’ve already taken that first brave step toward transformation.  

I’m here if you want to go further. 

As a Trauma & Resilience Specialist, I offer safe, compassionate support for adults navigating the complex journey of healing.
Reach out. Let’s talk about where you are — and where you long to be.