Survivors of childhood trauma often struggle with the confusion stemming from a lack of boundaries and respect for their bodies, which is a significant challenge to overcome. Added to this there probably was an environment that lacked emotional intelligence and healthy supportive and loving conversations. These survivors usually grew up feeling devastatingly alone, even insignificant.

As they heal and learn to name what they experienced, the need to say out loud what happened to them is important. Telling is a vital step in trauma recovery. In telling the survivor validates themselves and reinforces that what happened to them is wrong, bad, criminal, and it should have never happened. It also sheds light on the fact that they didn’t have the emotional support needed to be safe enough; they didn’t feel loved, cared for and about, they were not protected or nurtured.

So, it’s not the outright abuse that scars and damages, it is also what didn’t happen for them.

Later if they decide to go to a therapist and begin to unravel their confusing story, and it is received with compassion, understanding and tenderness, they begin to lift their heads up. And with that, they start the journey of handing shame back onto the ones who abused and neglected.

If these survivors are raised as Christians or are Bible readers it can be confusing when they learn about the admonition to not gossip or spread disparaging information about others. So… what to do?  Is it wrong to go to the police?

Is it wrong to talk about what happened to you?

Is it wrong or unchristian to share your story, to share about the pain you went through and how the abuse impacted you?

Should you feel ashamed for telling?

Absolutely not. Your story deserves to be heard. YOU deserve and should be heard.

Telling IS healing. And I’ll get more personal here.

It is not gossip when you share what happened to you.

If the abuser(s) get upset because you’re telling what they did, that is not on you. That is their shame surfacing. It is not your responsibility to fix their feelings, to soften the blow of reality, to protect them, to ease their discomfort.

For some survivors, the push back from the abusers and their enablers/supports can be intense. Remember, it is not you who did wrong; it is them. They don’t like their vile deeds coming to light. Speaking out is not being disloyal, it is not gossiping, and it is certainly not unchristian. You are not “airing dirty laundry.” In fact, speaking truth is expected of Christians, covering up wrongdoing is a sin. And child abuse is not something that survivors need to “just get over, just let it go and move on.”

If they accuse you of gossiping or making up stories, then they are gaslighting. Be careful not to get sucked into their refusal to own their choices and behaviours. Stand true in your clarity of what was and is happening.

For your wellness, stick to those who believe you, who validate you, who support you, who are kind and patient and understanding. You will heal more within healthy relationships. Stay away from toxic ones – the ones who prefer to spew their shame back onto you.  These ones are too busy looking at the “straw” in your eye while ignoring the “rafter” in their own.

What is wrong is covering up the wrongdoing – the interpersonal crimes. If people want to heal, they need to face what happened. Name it accordingly – not sugar coat it or dismiss it as immature mistakes, especially if the perpetrator was also a minor at the time. The perpetrator(s) need to own what they did. If they are truly sorry, there would be evidence of intense remorse. There would be apologies and a proactive approach to repair the damage caused and ensure it isn’t repeated. These are signs of emotional and spiritual maturity. And the survivor also needs to face what happened, name it, and do the work necessary to heal the deep wounds (trauma) that resulted. Believe me, there are layers and layers to work through, and you CAN do the hard work – with the right support.

It’s true that as a survivor, you have a significant journey of healing ahead. But remember, this journey is yours to take, and it’s one that leads to a life filled with joy, meaning, and confidence. By continuing the work of trauma recovery, you’re not only healing yourself but also paving the way for healthier emotional connections with others. Every step you take is a step towards a brighter future. And always remember, you are worth every bit of effort and love you invest in yourself.

I am here to walk alongside you. Reach out when you’re ready to take the next step.