IS IT GASLIGHTING OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE? JANUARY 20, 2021

I’ve been reading more about Gaslighting lately and have come to learn that true Gaslighting is a type of communication that is done with the intent to create confusion and self doubt so the gaslighter can gain power or mastery over another. Basically, what this means is that having this sense of power while destroying another individual gives them a “high” of some sort. Emotionally beating their target down feeds their own fragile ego and insecurities. In the world of narcissism, it’s called being their ‘supply’. They need your submission and lack of confidence to “prove” their superiority over you. And malignant narcissists do this to destroy until there is no “you” left, literally.

Now I cannot read another person’s heart, and I am careful about imputing wrong motives in an individual. However, I do know my own physiological response to various words and phrases that were said to me throughout my life.
Here are some of the things I heard:

Oh, I didn’t say that!
Why would I say something like that?
Stop your whining.
Quit your whining.
It wasn’t that bad.

Stop your complaining or belly aching.
You always make a big deal out of nothing.
You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
I said nothing of the kind.
Here we go again!
You’ve got it all wrong.
How could you think I’d do such a thing?
I never said that!
You’re such a baby.
You need to toughen up.
You’re too sensitive.
Oh, for Pete’s sake.
You’re blowing this out of proportion.
You’re just trying to get attention.
Your perspective is all skewed.
That’s not how I remember it.

These words still…. I can feel a sensation go up and down my spine when I recall some of these being said -- a somatic response. Regardless of the reason why these were said – the key is – the pain inflicted on the receiver is what causes trauma.

Trauma is not the event per se, it is the wounding that stems from the event or circumstance. As Gabor Maté says: Trauma isn’t what happened to you, it’s what happens INSIDE of you because of what happened to you.

On another note, have you found saying some of those words to yourself? You may be gaslighting yourself.

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In other families or relationships, victims of emotional abuse have heard the above and or the following and more:

I can’t stand the sight of you!
I wish you were never born.
If it wasn’t for you, I’d have ……..
I’m stuck here because of you!
Just be glad that I didn’t give you away!
I criticize you because I love you.
I am not arguing, I am discussing this with you…
You are crazy.
You’re such a loser.
You owe me.
You’re costing me money, raising you. I don’t have a life because of you.

Reading this may be upsetting or triggering to you – so please pause and take a breath.

So, what do you think? Have you experienced Gaslighting, or would you call it Emotional Abuse? Either way – you may have noticed that it’s created a lot of self doubt, second guessing, insecurities, hesitancy, lack of confidence, an inner critic and other emotional or psychological challenges.

And that’s normal – it doesn’t mean that you’re a horrible person or that you’ll never be able to heal from these wounds. Now is not the time to judge yourself harshly. What happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The victim of verbal abuse of any kind is not reprehensible.

Healing starts with awareness and that is what this blog is about – creating awareness.

There is hope. We can work through this together.