Thought about the word Home today, as I was walking around a bird sanctuary.
What feelings, emotions and thoughts come to mind when you hear the word, Home?
For me there is a sense of wholeness, peace, security, safety, calm, and contentment.
It hasn’t always been this way.
Because of being traumatized as a child, I don’t recall ever really pondering on what Home means to me until I became a mom.
You see, once a child is abused, in my case sexually and emotionally, that child is instantly changed from that moment on. Oprah said decades ago that once sexual abuse happens, it changes who you are. This is truth!
I recall feeling alone, isolated, different, not connected, awkward, unwanted, misunderstood, and unloved. I recall walking around the house as a little girl feeling so out of place and unnoticed (I was 1 of 6 children) Living with these feelings which are way too big for a little girl to comprehend or handle – what could I do with them? I held myself back in school, at home, in life; and I didn’t feel comfortable joining in nor had self confidence. I became very shy. I believed that the other kids could see that I was “different”. I was becoming isolated within, disconnected to myself – not feeling at home within and I didn’t have the language to talk about how I was feeling. Feelings – I don’t recall them every being discussed when I was growing up.
I didn’t realize then that shame had already taken root in every part of my being. Somehow because I felt so different, this “being different” felt awful and bad, so then I began to feel ashamed of myself. I believed that I was bad and dirty and so many other awful things. I truly believed that no one loved me and that I was unlovable.
This is how CSA impacts a little girl’s life.
What a burden to bear.
I never felt at home in my own skin- I hated myself. I never felt at home anywhere. I always felt out of place, awkward, shy, and insecure, felt and believed I didn’t belong.
Why share this personal story? So that you know if you feel or have felt this way, you are not alone. As you’re aware, this is only some of what childhood trauma does to a little child! And yet— there IS HOPE!
Now decades later and after doing a lot of trauma recovery work, these feelings are pretty much gone. Shame no longer rules my life. I am quite comfortable being me. I have a comfortable and safe life and have two outstanding sons – no bias here! Lol
Healing happens. It feels great to feel Home-inside-with me. I am Home. I am me. I am where I belong. I am free.
I am Lisa Hilton, CTRC-A, a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach – Advanced, and I support adult survivors of childhood and developmental trauma connect to who they are so they can live in freedom and authenticity. I support this Transformation of Travesty into Triumph. Book a Discovery Session today so you can get unstuck and learn how to become unshakable.