There is a blog I previously wrote on Grooming behaviours. I created a webinar on Grooming and have now written a book on the topic. The book is entitled, Identifying The Wolf, Shedding Light on the Grooming Behaviours of Sexual Predators.

With my own healing journey, I came to realize that there isn’t a book written for the average person that sheds light on the unique behaviour that sexual predators employ.

For decades, we heard and read about “the scary guy who wears a tan trench coat that tries to lure kids into his van.” The reality is, these types of predators aren’t that common. The Center for Disease Control now says that 93% of sexual offenders are known to their victims. Stranger Danger is not as common as the danger that lives right in our own homes, or our schools, churches, daycares, clubs, organizations, and the like. It’s the people who hide in plain sight – these are the ones who pose the most threat.

But how do we know who these people are? What do we need to look for? How can I protect myself and my family? All of which are great questions.

This is why I wrote my book. 

Luring children into doing sexual acts isn’t the only type of Grooming that these predators and abusive people do. They also groom their targets’ families, their circle of friends, perhaps neighbours, congregation, and so on. They want to maintain control.

Their greatest fear is if their victim tells. If that happens, the predator has a plethora of tricks to utilize to keep their victims silent or not believed. This means other Grooming tactics are utilized.

Educating yourself on how these sexual predators Groom before, during and after the abuse will help protect yourself and your loved ones.

I invite you to learn about these various tactics and behaviours. Therefore, a purchasing link for my book will be posted shortly.  

Perhaps you’ve heard the term scapegoat or scapegoating before.

 

After learning more about it — and from personal experience — I’m sharing what I found.

 

When it comes to family dynamics, scapegoating is a form of emotional abuse. A scapegoat is a person who is blamed or punished for the family issues/problems. Being the scapegoat can be torturous. Scapegoating helps family members retain the desired image of themselves  to avoid looking at their contribution to the family dysfunction. It is done as an avoidance tactic. It’s Denial with a capital D.

 

It stems from an unwillingness to see a similar fault or imperfection in self, so the unpleasant feelings evoked get projected onto another. Chances are the scapegoat is the family barometer, and is probably doing the repair work necessary to overcome the dysfunction. This is the one saying in effect, Look, there is a festering wound here, and we need to get this cleaned up before it gets worse.

 

Those who scapegoat choose targets that feel safe to blame. They perceive their victims as having less power. Scapegoating is irrational. It is a form of Grooming – mental manipulation. It is one way of blaming others. 

 

Feeling Shame

No one likes to feel shame and those who scapegoat carry shame and fear. They do shame-transference / deflecting by pointing fingers hoping that people won’t see their flaws – their shame. Unfortunately, doing this impedes their own emotional growth work. 

 

The thing is… the dysfunction in the family started way before the scapegoat target was born.

 

Some scapegoating phrases are:

 

The reality is that every single one of us is imperfect. Let’s face it – all families experience some unhealthiness or dysfunction. However, the families that are close and strong are the ones who are respectful of each other. They are accepting and manifest unconditional love. They are open and honest and ensure there is a sense of psychological and emotional safety for all to be vulnerable whenever they feel the need to share any struggles they are going through. They hold a safe space for each other. While imperfect, they’re willing to make family relationships work.

 

Scapegoating families are the opposite. They don’t seem to grow to emotional maturity. Instead they cast blame, finger point, use sarcasm, bully, guilt-trip, make fun of, lack respect and humility, and live emotionally disconnected.

 

Unsavory truths about ourselves can require a counselor’s insight.  When people mine their reasons for scapegoating and deflecting, they might be able to heal some of their well-covered wounds and become more conscious of who they are. If the scapegoater embraces this awareness, they can grow. 

 

Owning our imperfections is better than letting the imperfections own us.

Forgiveness and letting go is a hard pill to swallow for nearly all childhood trauma survivors. When this topic is broached too early in the healing process, it can cause a trauma response, terror, tears, fighting, fleeing, or shut down. 

 

Let’s face it, there is more pressure put upon the victims who are at the receiving end of mistreatment or abuse instead of the perpetrator of such. Why is that? Why isn’t there more pressure put upon the one who harmed? Shouldn’t the perpetrator – this person be accountable, own up to what they did, express remorse and offer a way to make amends?

 

All that said, I’ve noticed in my own healing journey, being able to “let go” of the emotional suffering that resulted from the inflicted pain takes time. 

 

“Forgiveness,” although a simple word, is a complicated concept. A UCLA psychiatrist, Dr. Stephen Marmer, distinguished three types of forgiveness:

 

  1.  Release
    Common circumstances where Release fits:
    -No Acknowledgement of Hurt
    -Obviously Insincere Apology
    -No Reparation or Amends Attempted

Release does not exonerate the offender. It allows you to let go of the burdens that are weighing you down and eating away at your chance for happiness. You will not be allowing the one who hurt you to live rent-free in your mind, reliving forever the persecution that the original incident started. 

 

  1. Forbearance
    When the relationship matters to you. Common circumstances where Forbearance fits:
    -Partial Apology
    -Inauthentic Apology
    -Apology Mingled with Blame

Forbearance requires understanding, tolerance and self-restraint. This is where you cease dwelling on the offense, and do away with grudges and fantasies of revenge, and you retain a degree of watchfulness. 

 

  1. Exoneration
    Common circumstances where exoneration fits:
    -Genuine Accident
    -Unintentional Hurt
    -Responsible, Remorseful & Reparative

Exoneration is wiping the slate entirely clean and restoring the relationship to its original state. For many abuse survivors, this state is next to impossible. Rarely if ever can the relationship return to it’s pre-violated and pre betrayal state.

 

Even with these stages or styles of forgiveness, coming to this place in the healing recovery journey, happens towards the end of the healing process. It is at the caboose of “ride.”

There is no timeline to follow on what or how an abuse survivor can or should forgive. Everyone heals in their own time. Healing cannot be forced either. It is respectful and “baby step” process.

 

The word, forgiveness, can still bother me at times. It depends on who speaks of it and what the topic is. I know in my heart that God doesn’t forgive those who are unrepentant, so He would never ask something from me that He doesn’t do himself. Knowing this brings me inner peace.

 

And I wish you inner peace. 

Before we get started 😊 —Let’s be clear on the meaning of various words.

 

Siblings are identified as full siblings, half-siblings, step-siblings, foster siblings, cousins, and anyone who lives with or is an integral part of the family of origin.  

 

Abuse is defined as cruel or violent treatment.

 

WHO’s (World Health Organization) definition of Violence-

“the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either result in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation.”

 

Some things about memories – 

    1. Each family member will have their own memories from childhood. This blog is based on mine.
    2. Neuroscience shows that specific memories of traumatic events stay with the individual; they are static – they do not morph over time, nor are they influenced like other memories. 

 

This blog aims to affirm how common sibling abuse is (easily mislabeled as sibling rivalry) so that others who’ve experienced similar things can identify what happened to them and appreciate they are not alone. It is not about finger-pointing or shaming certain individuals. (If reading this is upsetting or triggering, then perhaps take some time to look inward and find out what’s going on inside – what’s behind it and reach out for mental health or emotional support.)

 

It is important to appreciate that what is considered harmful, traumatic, etc., must come from the one who received the action, not the perpetrator of them. It’s the receiver who has been severely impacted physically, emotionally, and spiritually, not the other way around. Neither the perpetrator nor anyone else has the right to define what is abusive or causes trauma. 

 

Nobody wants to believe that what they went through is called “abuse” or that it came from their own flesh and blood, nor that they were complicit or participated in it. It is a very hard pill to swallow. No one wants to believe “this” happened in their family. No one wants to see themselves as an abusive person. In some families, the behaviour that caused trauma may not have been intentional or malicious. Regardless, there was an intent to make the action, and the receiver was greatly wounded. And this is what the focus must be on.

 

From birth onward, children need plenty of emotional support so they can return to homeostasis – the feeling of safety and security — following (a) terrifying event(s). Incidents or circumstances become traumatic when sufficient comfort and consolation are not provided. Babies, toddlers, and young children cannot comfort themselves healthfully without being taught or shown how. This emotional neglect, while perhaps unintentional, causes further wounding. It contributes to the formation of Developmental and or Complex Trauma.

 

Some Traumatizing Experiences 

I endured life-changing events by the time I was seven years old. I was physically hurt (pushed, resulting in a broken foot, lye blown into my eyes), terrorized (hung upside down out a 2nd story window), sexually abused, and objectified – by “siblings”, individuals living under the same roof. 

 

We all know that kids “pick on each other and name-call” from time to time. But when there is a request for the mistreatment to stop, and it doesn’t – it becomes abusive; when there is a sense of power over another – it becomes abusive. I was nicknamed after a dog for years, and my request that it stop wasn’t respected; it was purposely demeaning. I was punched in the arms until they went limp. Again, my requests were ignored. I was told I was making a big deal out of nothing. Clearly, my feelings didn’t matter. Growing up and living in a disrespectful and “unsafe” environment made living too painful. I hated my life. No wonder I attempted to end it when I was 15! Life sucked!

 

Jumping ahead about 13/14 years, D. and I confronted the sibling who sexually assaulted me. He said he remembered. He looked at me and said, I can’t believe you’re still upset over this. Then he went on to tell me about hanging me outside a second-story window. (I would have been around 2-3 years old when he did that) There are no words for such ignorant callousness. The other sibling who sexually abused me has since passed away.

 

Were these acts intentional? Yes, each sibling made a choice to initiate. Were they intended to cause harm? I don’t know, and does it really matter? What I know is that what I experienced caused indescribable suffering and undeserving  harm. These behaviours weren’t a joke. None of this was harmless fun, or painless. They all caused trauma. To this day, I suffer ill effects from them.

 

A few years back (2018), the abuser-brother (window, sexual) out of the blue asked me if I had been talking to people about what he did to me. He then started to religiously (using misapplied scripture to guilt-trip and control) abuse. He wanted me to be silent and to control the narrative (aka post-abuse grooming). Interestingly, he didn’t deny…. then.

 

A New Form of Abuse

Within days of that last incident, I went to the police to have what he did documented. (It was there that the constable said his behaviour was called Sexual Assault. Until then, I thought it was “molestation”). He didn’t deny it when the constable spoke with him, and he didn’t deny it in emails to me. Several months later, I disclosed the sexual assault to the rest of my biological family. Shortly after this, when they asked him about it, suddenly he couldn’t remember. Selective amnesia and denial became his new form of abuse and manipulation. The support I hoped for didn’t happen. Instead, there’s been lying, emotional abandonment, judgment, willful ignorance, and  DARVO behaviour. I have been told right to my face that what I feel is not true, that I am exaggerating, that I am twisting things around, and that I am blowing things out of proportion – all of which are gaslighting, deflection, and projection. I’ve been scapegoated. This sibling wrote in classic DARVO speak, why should I have to pay the rest of my life for one non-malicious act?   I think, really? There are no words. 

 

Sexual abuse alone is life-altering. Another layer of trauma is added when it’s from a sibling, causing deeper pain, confusion, and suffering. Boundaries are crossed. If the sexual abuse comes with physical and emotional abuse too, more psychological and emotional injuries result. Then, if/when the survivor tells what happened, and the abuser and those he’s influenced do the DARVO dance, there’s even further wounding. The amount of trauma generated is immeasurable, and it isn’t just the victim who suffers – the victim’s children and partner suffer too. 

 

The Impact 

Within weeks of the 2018 incident, the allostatic load of all this trauma and more led to a serious health crisis. Life as I knew it stopped. It became apparent my healing journey involves healing from Developmental Trauma, Complex Trauma, and PTSD. My children need healing and comfort too. They along with my husband have “paid” a great price.

 

In Conclusion:

Secrets are a devastating weight for a little girl to carry. For fifty years I carried it, protecting my family of origin from the truth. The thing is – these were never my secrets to keep. It was never my job to protect. I should have been the one protected, kept safe. Abuse teaches lies about who you are, the world, and your place in it. These then impact health and well-being, and relationships long-term. It takes years to recover. Make no mistake, the sibling sexual assault has ripple effects. The minute he touched me, the dysfunction was evident.

 

Today, I am not angry at those who caused trauma. I know they were minors too, kids. I don’t see most of them as abusive people – I can easily separate a person from behaviour. I’ve “let go” of the hurt sustained from the choices they made back then. However, as adults today, I look for emotional maturity – ownership and accountability, honesty, humility, compassion, remorse, and a willingness to have difficult conversations. Without these, there is a weak foundation for relationship repair. I will no longer pretend that traumatizing things didn’t happen to me so that others can stay living in “make-believe”.

 

Truth: Globally, one in twenty kids is sexually abused by a sibling – that’s one in every classroom. Minors sexually abusing minors is the most common form of sexual abuse. The numbers will only increase with access to porn at younger ages now, including sibling porn. Unfortunately, sibling abuse has been hidden or considered harmless “kids-will-be-kids” behaviour for far too long, and society is reaping what it has sown.

 

Truth: Siblings do abuse. 

Not talking about the elephant in the room keeps the toxic shame and disconnection alive. Secrets literally make you sick. Transparency heals.

 

If you or someone you know endured sibling sexual abuse or is a perpetrator, here are some online resources to explore,  5Waves  and  Sibling Sexual Trauma. These provide education, statistics, and support for all family members.

 

As a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, I’m here too, offering support and a safe space. Your healing journey begins when you’re ready.

 

Lisa Hilton, CTRC-A

 

Why do I blog? Well, the short answer is because it is part of what I need to do to heal from childhood trauma. Telling is healing. 

There is also a need to use my voice. Not sure how, but I got the message in my life that what I have to say is not important. It could have stemmed from the abuse itself, or a combination of things. Regardless, the only place where I felt listened to was at the religious meetings I attended. 

Now that I have developed some self-worth and gotten rid of a lot of unwarranted shame, it is easier for me to be in a group and speak up. However, it is still not super easy for me – not like water running off a duck’s back. It takes conscious effort for an introvert like me to behave as an extrovert from time to time.

Some of the childhood trauma impacted the way I can regulate my emotions and how I think on my feet. Writing my thoughts and feelings down makes it better for me to process things and figure things out as the words are being released through my fingers. I am able to edit, backspace and rethink my words.

Many abuse survivors feel voiceless and powerless. By choosing to put my feelings, thoughts, and experiences onto paper, hopefully, this can be an avenue for those who haven’t found their voice yet. 

Validation is necessary for trauma recovery. Writing of my experiences and about what I’ve learned in my own healing journey provides needed validation – for me and hopefully, the readers.

Not everything I share is a personal experience. Sometimes it’s about what I’ve learned and researched. Sharing what has been learned is important to me. Sharing is caring. 😊

There may be vernacular that is not understood by the reader. If this is the case with you, please feel free to look the word up to ensure it is understood in the proper context. Some words mean different things to different people. If in doubt, please ask. 😊

My blogs are my opinions and if any of them cause a reaction inside of you, I suggest getting curious and asking yourself why. Triggers are a good thing. They reveal what needs more work. There is no shame-throwing intended. That is not my thing. If there is some shame that has arisen or anger or embarrassment, then please dig deep and find out where this is coming from inside you. Old habits die hard so it takes concerted effort to figure oneself out, process feelings, detox from them and then let them go. Healing takes courage.

I love what Winston Churchill said:  It takes courage to stand up and speak. It takes courage to sit down and listen. And if we’re self aware – we know this is truth. 

As I follow my trauma recovery journey I’ve come to see that I had control issues with certain people, and I think it showed up a lot in raising my sons.

 

I was scared nearly all the time. Not long after I was pregnant with my second son, my husband became unemployed. We had to relocate to a more affordable city and relinquish our mini van to the bank. We couldn’t afford the payments. Life became very ….. unsure….And the ability to trust became even weaker.

 

I always wanted to be a good, attentive and hands-on mom. I had envisioned how I’d be, how I’d show up, how much I’d engage and be attentive, be positive and encouraging and help them grow, blossom and reach their full potential.

 

Little did I know….. Little did I know…..little did I know how much my childhood experiences did and would impact me in  how I’d mother my sons.

 

I didn’t trust myself so how could I trust others. I was the helicopter parent at times and other times I didn’t have the language to speak about things without becoming hard-lined, stubborn and even bullying. As they got older and especially after we took in a niece and nephew that went into foster care….that I could see that I no longer could balance it all. I felt I was doing it on my own…. Because I hadn’t learned how to ask for help without it coming back to bite me. It seemed the harder I tried, the more things- the important things- slipped through my fingers. I didn’t feel safe enough to ask for help or accept some help graciously. And I didn’t really know that I needed help with my childhood trauma symptoms that were causing me to unravel.

 

Child abuse and neglect taught me to just buckle up, work hard, do whatever you can to make others happy and make sacrifices. I was pretty good at Fawning.

 

There were several inner critics that scolded me and criticized me for not being and doing better.

 

And this harshness transferred onto my sons at times, when I was totally overwhelmed and didn’t know it. I know I did the best I knew how. I was a good cook and learned how to work hard and manage a house fairly successfully.

 

Years later….

 

Thankfully, as I’ve healed, I’ve gotten much more gentle, compassionate, and understanding with myself and this shows up now in social interactions and my interpersonal skills.

 

It’s OK if people look at things, life, etc.,  differently than me. It’s OK to “hand the reigns over” and let others choose and take the lead. Now I can trust myself and others a lot more than I ever have.

 

It feels so freeing! I didn’t realize that by not trusting I was carrying so much unnecessary worry and self judgement!

 

It’s OK to make mistakes. It’s OK to fail. It’s OK because everyone does, so I’m not unusually damaged, defective or bad– all lies the abuse and neglect told me. Actually I’m pretty normal.

 

I’ve learned that it’s “healthy’ to not control so much. Hand things over to others, when possible, and things WILL work out as they should.

 

And I have two amazing sons (men) who’ve married well. They are thoughtful, kind and care about others.

 

I guess I did a pretty good job overall.

Am I broken?

Childhood trauma survivors usually wonder this because they feel so shattered from the pain they endure(d). This pain is so overwhelming that to exist they must disconnect from it to carry on with life. As a result, they feel like they don’t belong anywhere; they feel lost and alone; they feel unsafe, not knowing who they are. They sense the disconnectedness but don’t know why, where it comes from, or what to do about it.

I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. Only recently have I noticed more shifts happening within, and I am beginning to feel an alignment or unification of sorts inside. It is like the pieces of me are coming together and making up a whole – a new healed me. It is now four and a half years since I was re-traumatized and developed PTSD on top of dealing with pre-existing Complex/Developmental Trauma. Yes, over four years of painful yet rewarding work.

Thankfully, curiosity is replacing the self judgement and I am firm in supporting my need to feel safe. Therefore, I choose to be with those who build me up, who value me and respect me. They help me see my worth and support me to reach my goals. They see how far I’ve come and continue to support me as I heal. These are “my people, my family.”

Three memories emerged recently that overwhelmed me to the point where the executive function part of my brain was inaccessible. First, waves of horrific emotions overwhelmed me. I sobbed and felt like a terrified and helpless little girl. Then I recalled something that was said when I was growing up. I heard more than once that if I didn’t listen and pay attention and do as I was told that I’d die at Armageddon. If I wasn’t obedient, I’d die. If I didn’t listen, I’d die.

Then within seconds two more memories emerged. One was when I was on a road trip, probably a tween at the time, and we stopped at a highway rest stop to use the facilities. I remember while in the restroom thinking: “What if, when I came out, they aren’t there?”  And sure enough, when I walked out, I looked for the vehicle and it wasn’t there! A feeling of panic, terror and abandonment hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked around thinking “Who can I ask for help?” and then I remembered the “stranger danger” indoctrination I received. So, I looked for a place to sit down for I was frozen and stuck. I waited. Eventually I told myself, “They’ll come back for me” and they did. Now I don’t know if my pre-existing fear made it so that I couldn’t see the vehicle or what. All I know is that the feeling of abandonment was real, intense and traumatic. It only took a second for me to numb out and shut down my feelings. The panic and terror were too much. So, did this happen because I didn’t “listen”? What did I misunderstand? What did I get wrong? I learned from this experience that if I didn’t listen, my life was in peril.

The other was from when I was in grade seven. I distinctly remember not understanding what a new teacher was saying to our class. The next thing I knew, all the students got up and left and I didn’t understand what was happening. I had a meltdown. I felt absolutely terrified at being left behind. I was embarrassed and felt so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t “keep it together.”

Wow!

Many religions preach that “being bad” would result in going to the “bad place” — a life in hellfire. Talk about spiritual abuse creating trauma – religious trauma! Saying these things either directly to or within earshot of an impressionable child is thoughtless and cruel. It is emotionally and psychologically damaging.

No wonder I go into extreme panic if I don’t understand something, especially when I’m trying to follow directions to something new. These situations are a “do or die” thing to me. This explains my insatiable need to know, to learn, and to understand. As a result, I became a voracious learner. And it explains the harsh self-criticism that came with that — the thinking there was something wrong with me if I didn’t understand something.

Of course, I was going to make mistakes while growing up. Who wouldn’t? But to have these terrifying words put onto the shoulders of a 3-, 4- or 5-year-old?!  Shame on that adult!

When we are impressionable little ones, words and events like this crush. They devastate, they wound very deeply. They impact our world view and how we relate to others – to everyone — and to ourselves.

This is why my trauma recovery involves more than recovering from the sexual abuse and the sibling abuse. It also includes healing from the emotional abuse and emotional neglect that I experienced. I grew up feeling so alone, that there was no one in my corner.

For most survivors, childhood trauma comes from a constellation of horrible events. It is rarely from one catastrophic event. The trauma (wounding) results more from the lack of emotional support (comfort and reassurance of safety) that should follow the terrifying situation/event. Reassurance would help the baby or child to calm down and “get back to normal” (homeostasis) afterwards. This is why trauma recovery takes time, love, safety, patience, and self-forgiveness. There is lots to acknowledge, unpack, process, and detox from.

Trauma recovery requires meeting the need to feel safe. And part of it involves overcoming strongly entrenched false beliefs and making and adopting new truths. This is how our minds are transformed – how we make new neural pathways that will serve us for the good. Amazingly after all this, I have a healthy relationship with God and feel very close to Him and loved by Him.

Besides the above, my healing involves connecting with the wounded parts of me — the emotional parts that I couldn’t let myself feel so I could survive. Now, I get to hug these parts, welcome them, assure them that they are believed. I speak to them with compassion, unconditional love, and acceptance. I feel their pain and want to listen, validate, and assure them that I’m there to help them with their burdens of rejection, fear, betrayal, unlovableness, unworthiness, the “not good enough” feelings, and more. I get to be the one who nurtures, loves, and accepts them as they are. This is such a priviledge.

Adults who’ve experienced child abuse and or neglect – I say to you: “There IS hope. You / We can recover. No dear one, you’re not broken, not in the way you think you are. You just need to gently get reacquainted with the emotional pieces of you that are circling around. You can do this and I can show you how.

 

If you’d like to reach out for support in your own healing journey and see if Trauma Recovery Coaching is the best next step you, please read the blog, Is Trauma Recovery Coaching Right for You, and follow the suggestion at the end.

 I am Lisa Hilton, an Advanced Certified Trauma Recovery Coach supporting adult survivors of childhood trauma transform travesty into triumph. It would be an honour to walk with you on this journey.

What is my worth? This is a HARD question. And for a childhood trauma survivor it can shut you down, completely, just contemplating it.  Why?

Because we don’t see nor feel that we have any worth. We learned through experiences – a look, a hit, words, sighs, eye rolling, tattling, assaults, etc., that we are NOT accepted for who we are.

By the time I was 3 years old, my nervous system already had a felt sense that I wasn’t wanted nor appreciated. I had already felt terrorized on a couple occasions. My nervous system was on high alert because I didn’t feel safe.

So how does a wee one cope?

What I did was work hard at being useful.  I learned how to help mommy cook and clean. When I did these well, I received a smile, a thank you and a little praise. Only then did I feel loved. This taught me that I had to “do” to “earn” love, acceptance and appreciation.

The next 5 decades I gave too much power to what others thought of me. I could NOT see nor accept that others liked me simply for being me for I had learned a different truth – that I was unlikable/unlovable. I had built a wall around my heart for self-protection and self-preservation, and nothing could penetrate it. I disconnected from my emotions, and this caused me to disconnect from myself. I didn’t know who I was for the longest time.

Over time I had become skilled at wearing a *mask* and the pretending, the keeping of a secret [that I was sexually abused] was exhausting. I felt challenged socially, always nervous around people, uncomfortable with small talk. I believed there was something wrong with me.

Not until after I started my trauma recovery did I learned how to let love in….. s l o w l y.

It took a LOT of mental reprogramming, to let the armor down. I started with letting God’s love in. THAT alone took a LOT of work. I didn’t know at that time how much the denial of my experiences and pain, the gaslighting, the criticism, the emotional abandonment and weaponizing of scripture impacted my view of self and the world. I had to deal with the loss and the grief that came with that realization first before I could understand why my heart ached and pined for certain relationships that were toxic, just to have a sense of *belonging and acceptance*.

I was looking for love, acceptance and understanding externally but what I needed was to support my nervous system and learn to love and accept myself.

As I said at the outset, this week I finally made the connection to what was obscurely behind it all — the deep-rooted yearning to be liked. Ooooooo, putting this out there is scary!

Now I understand that unbeknownst to me, all along, deep, deep inside I was compelled for decades to focus on being helpful, useful, supportive of others – to be the Go-To person in time of crisis and despair. I took pride in being called at all hours to help a friend in crisis. I needed to be needed. All which came at a cost to my physical and emotional health. This is called Fawning, a trauma response, also known as co-dependency.

 

[Can you relate to this? Are you one of those people that jump in quickly to help others? Who sacrifice so much to be there and end up depleting yourself or getting hurt in the long run? …… I’ve been there way too often.]

To finally make this connection – Oh how SWEET!  To realize that behind it was a lie – the belief I was not appreciated/liked and how this created a desperation for wanting to be valued – how vulnerable to admit this!

I developed a tough, capable, and competent veneer. I was smart in school [A- average] and loved learning. I was curious, wanted to know how to do things and take care of myself. I learned to not rely on anyone for life’s basic challenges – was fiercely independent.  Admitting this here is hard to do. Seeing it in print is difficult yet healing and validating.

So, learning to love me and appreciate me is what eventually opened the lock to this vault. I’m smiling because this makes me happy to see another door opened for me in my own trauma recovery. I can see AND feel my own worth now!!!! It doesn’t matter if people like/accept me or not. My worth is not defined by others, at all.

As an adult childhood trauma survivor do you see similar patterns or mindsets in yourself? If so, you are not alone.

 

Lisa B Hilton is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, supporting adult survivors of childhood and developmental trauma Transform Travesty into Triumph.

What is Normal for you?

One thing that has become clear as I continue in my education and trauma recovery coaching is that only after an individual decides to begin healing were they able to face the facts that their childhood was worse than thought. In fact, many start off the bat stating that they’ve had great childhoods and had awesome parents. The rush to defend the parents is strong.

I wonder…. If the childhood was so great, Why the struggles now in adulthood?

This is what I see happens……

Usually after something or a series of events the rose-coloured glasses lose their power.

Only then it’s noticed there has been a lot of dysfunctions. Perhaps in the family of origin [FOO] it’s noticed that there wasn’t a lot of healthy communication, or there was unwarranted violence or anger, there was neglect [physical and or emotional], chaos, drugs/alcohol abuse, parentification of child/ren, or other forms of abuse/neglect, and more.

Growing up in environments like this, the child only sees this as normal. It’s what they know; it’s normal to them so they don’t talk about it. They learn to not complain [others have it worse], to keep secrets – it’s the don’t ask-don’t tell rule. If there is emotional or psychological abuse happening then the child/ren learn that what happens is their fault, of if they do tell someone, the family will be split, and again, that’d be their fault.

This lack or inability to be open and honest in communication, the keeping of secrets, the shame – these become part of how these ones’ roll. This is the way life is supposed to be, right? Don’t all families have dysfunction so why should I *make a big deal out of mine*?  That sounds like self-gaslighting language to me.

The damage and pain this environment cause is way too heavy for a little one to shoulder son in order to cope the child feels the need to pretend that all is fine, or they turn off their feelings all together and become numb or disengaged. This becomes *normal*.

Something’s gotta give, eventually, right?

Down the road what gives can be health, physical or emotional. Why? Because all childhood / developmental trauma is stored in the body. Eventually things will surface either in flashbacks or physical pain and suffering.

Yet the reluctancy to admit that homelife wasn’t all that healthy is hard. There is the struggle with seeing self as disloyal. After all, didn’t our parents do the best they could?

Why does it have to be either or?  Can’t both be true? That parents did the best they could and the  home environment wasn’t the best? Perhaps that is true in your case? Perhaps it wasn’t.

True, all would like to look back and see there was a good childhood with happy memories, where parents were able to meet their children’s needs and they felt attached and close. Most want to believe their siblings and family environment was good. The alternative reality is too much for many to accept. So, some fantasize. Others remain fully aware of the circumstances they find themselves in as a kid. Either way deep damage ensues.

Parents aren’t given the responsibility to just keep their children alive. Their responsibility is to support their child/ren to become the best version of themselves – to blossom and thrive. Parents need to nurture, protect, and guide their children. This is their child/ren’s birthright.

We cannot dismiss the need for a child, every child to grow up feeling safe, loved unconditionally, and wanted. These needs must be met and they are equally important as food, clothing and shelter.

If you didn’t have that kind of upbringing then chances are you have struggles.

And that is OK.

The first step in trauma recovery is awareness. It happens when you acknowledge what happened to you in childhood. It is crucial to name it. Only then can healing and repair happen. You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge. This step is perhaps the biggest hurdle for some.

And this creates another paradox. Because you then can feel torn and negatively judge yourself, thinking that it is selfish and ungrateful to want more – from life and from family. [more self-gaslighting]

 

And it is important to restate this truth – healing from childhood trauma is NOT about blaming the parent(s) or the sibling(s) or anything like that. Trauma recovery is about acknowledging the truth – what happened. Full stop. If any family feels that you’re blaming them for what happened to you, this means they are carrying their own shame.

 

Their shame is not yours to carry.

 

Their secrets are not for you to carry.

 

The body already knows what it has experienced since conception. Pretending, making self think happy thoughts, focusing only on the positive — all lead to a life of constant disconnection. Therefore, New Age thinking is toxic. Handling life like this is Not sustainable, nor is it healthy. It forces you to live in denial. Medical and scientific facts show it is better to see life realistically. Life is richer when we take note and are attuned to the great times and the not so great. Admitting to what is, is best. Life is not some fairy tale. Life is full of triumphs and travesties, times of sheer joy and deep grief and perhaps even betrayal.

Let me ask again, What is your Normal?

When you are ready to do the work of addressing the challenges that stem from adverse childhood experiences and want support to gain healthy coping strategies, I’m here.

You are not alone.

 

 

Lisa B Hilton is a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, supporting adult survivors of childhood trauma and neglect transform their travesty into triumph, whereby they can live life in freedom and authenticity.

Time to say Goodbye

 

For the last few months – since the middle of May – LOSS as been camped at my doorstep.

 

It was then that we decided to sell our little home. This decision wasn’t taken lightly. It was to be our forever home. When we moved in, we told ourselves that this was it: we were going to have to go out feet first. That was the plan when we purchased and plans sometimes have to change.

Just a year after we purchased, life took a very sharp turn and now four years later, it is time to say goodbye and move forward. While this decision is a good decision and the right one to make at this time, that doesn’t mean there isn’t sadness, a loss, that I am experiencing.

Next week we start packing and moving into our new place. August 20th will the day of the move for all the big items and we’ve hired a moving company to do this.

Then we will do the final clean before we hand over our keys to the new owner. We hope she comes to  loves this place as much as we do.  I spent hours with graph paper designing our dream kitchen so my heart and soul were put into this little home.

 

It is soon time to say goodbye.

 

And with all this, our elderly cat, Sir Igby, is showing signs of dementia. It seems to be getting worse, and we wonder how long…. Our hearts are aching as we know we’ll have to say goodbye to him we fear sooner that we had planned. He has an appointment this Friday with his vet to ascertain what is truly wrong with him and what the prognosis is. He is at lest 16 years old.

 

All I can see and feel is Loss right now. It is hard to think, to concentrate, to work.  I sigh and shed tears and let the pain in. This month is a tough month and it’s only the 8th.

Loss and grieving is a big part of healing from childhood trauma. I haven’t gone backwards in my healing, I’m now uncovering another layer of sadness and feeling the loss of so much. Each time I didn’t grieve enough previously …. I’ve noticed that it builds up so when there is another loss, it seems that the sadness is disproportionate. Then the self judgment comes out. The negative and critical self talk, right?

That is not the case this time, fortunately. I know there is a lot of sadness inside and if this move brings some of it to the surface then let the detox begin! It’s Ok to cry. And It’s OK to watch someone cry and feel helpless. The thing is, we aren’t responsible for someone else’s feelings, including their sadness and their joy. No one specific caused what I’m feeling. My feelings are just there and that’s perfectly fine.

The best thing we can do is sit with a person in their sadness and just hold space for them. That’s all. And we can sit in our own sadness and hold space for ourselves. The nervous system needs acknowledgement of what it’s experiencing. Denial causes disconnection which is the opposite of authenticity

Feeling sad is authentic. Mourning is authenticity in action. And without the mourning, the releasing of the grief, then authentic joy and happiness cannot move in the open space that the grieving leaves.

Authenticity means experiencing emotions as they happen. It means being present to feel, taste, touch, hear, see and sense; it is where and when we feel truly alive.

This is the hope and goal of adult survivors of childhood trauma. We need to feel the emotions so these can be released. It is not fun nor easy but necessary to come out the other side.

And if that means having minutes, hours, days, times, seasons of sadness or righteous rage, or indignation, hurt, feeling betrayed or abandoned, etc, then so be it. We are learning how to feel emotion like an infant and it takes time and practice to get it where it’s not so uncomfortable while appropriate for the person/situation. We learn that as adults, we have the tools already, it is just that the nervous system still thinks we’re little.

This is where patience and self compassion step up and are used to heal ourselves. Prayer helps me too. Practicing mindfulness and grounding while noticing my breathing helps.

 

In Trauma Recovery Coaching we work together to learn/adopt appropriate skills as necessary. Your coping toolbox becomes more robust over time. Together we underscore that this period will pass as I’m right there with you, holding space for as long as you need. You are not alone.