My dear little Lisa, I am letting you know that you deserved better treatment. You deserved better. You deserved to be held, cuddled, loved, and treated like you have value and appreciation. You deserved to feel unconditional love, to feel accepted, to be acknowledged, to feel adored, to feel appreciated, to experience healthy affection and admiration, to feel approval, to feel that your mother / father / siblings *get you* – that they are attuned to you. You deserved to feel seen and heard.
Instead, you grew up feeling judged, guilty and shamed for being who you are, that you’re not good enough. You grew up feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings; you contorted yourself so that others wouldn’t feel upset because you always thought it was your fault. You grew up never feeling understood. All this plus the other abuses caused a LOT of damage. What you went through caused so much unnecessary pain and suffering.
It seems your mom was just too busy and distracted with her many responsibilities [she had 6 kids after all!] As you learned later that for many reasons she didn’t have the time nor the wherewithal to be attuned to you and what you desperately needed from her. You ended up feeling and believing you were a nuisance, annoying, in the way, too needy and unloved and especially without value and worth. There was no one there to supply the nurturing you needed. I know you’re not blaming her – she didn’t know better either.
I am so sorry that you felt this way for soooo long, way too long. Too long that it became a core belief and a mindset that deeply impacted your way of being and how you showed up in life. I’m sorry that you felt you had to hide, to play and be small, that you weren’t appreciated for your sparkle and valued for who you are. Instead, you felt ashamed of yourself. You felt guilty for things you did that were symptoms of the complex trauma you were experiencing. You even took on guilt and shame that didn’t belong to you. Your nervous was just too sensitive. I am so sorry that you carried this for all these years, for decades.
You are not the problem. You are not at fault. You deserve to feel unconditional love. You deserve to be and feel supported. And it’s ok and good that you seek out those who will provide this for you. I am here to tell you that your feelings matter.
It’s not your fault that your parents, due to their own childhood experiences, weren’t able to provide the kind of parenting that would have healed you and made you feel safe and protected. I’m sorry that instead you were criticized for making mistakes. Severe punishment would ensue. And that you read it as shame and guilt for just existing. You read it that they were ashamed and embarrassed of you. Your poor nervous system.
Of course with adult wisdom, in looking back you understand it all now. But don’t forget you were a little girl, with little girl needs that weren’t being met. You were trying to navigate a world that had shown itself to be scary and unsafe because of what your brothers had done to you and because your mother wasn’t attuned to your fears, because she wasn’t able to be fully present and console you and assure you of safety and protection. All this piled onto an undeserving little body and a highly sensitive nervous system created your insecurities.
I really feel for you my dear little one.
It wasn’t your fault.
I am so sorry that you experienced this and that now as an adult you must do the work to heal from the scars all this created.
I am here to be with you, to hold you and love you as you never felt. You deserve to feel unconditional love. I know that you need to grieve all this. I’m here to hold you.
Yes, as an adult you understand your parents and see and accept their imperfections. This is good. However, it is important to your healing that you acknowledge how you felt and what you suffered because everyone’s imperfections. And as an adult you’ve acknowledged and own that your unhealed childhood wounds were passed on down to your two sons too. I’m proud of you for healing this much and being self-aware enough. I am proud of you for being as transparent as possible in our healing journey so they too can understand themselves and you better.
It is time to release this unwarranted guilt and remember that all this damage resulted from Adam and Eve’s stupid decision. They passed on this imperfection to their children and on it went down to me and little you.
People don’t know what they don’t know – yet it is each one’s responsibility and obligation to become aware so their toxic behaviour doesn’t keep getting passed onto others.
It wasn’t your fault. Remember that.
It wasn’t your fault.
Your existence matters. God believes you are valuable, that you are worthy. He is there for you and is with you. Please remember where this imperfect and self condemnation comes from – it’s not from Him.
Please keep on letting your light shine. Keep helping fellow childhood trauma survivors see and feel that they are not alone. Please be accepting of yourself and others’ imperfections, knowing that most are trying to do their best. And that there are those who choose denial, who refuse to learn, grow, be open to self awareness – that is on them, not you – these ones be careful of.
Please keep recovering from your childhood trauma so that the detox continues, and the projection stops with you.
I think you’re doing great! So proud of the work you’re doing. It is HARD work and I believe you made the best decision – to heal. The sense of freedom that results is so worth it!
I love you, little Lisa. I am so proud of you. 😊
Lisa B Hilton is an Advanced Certified Trauma Recovery Coach who has lived experience. Through coaching she supports fellow adults transform their travesty into triumph. Please read her blog: Is Trauma Recovery Coaching Right for You? and reach out to her if you feel this modality of Trauma Recovery Coaching will be a good fit for you. Thank you.