Today I woke up with a couple of things swirling in my head. Some of which involved what I learned in my TR Coaching course- How we as coaches want to help our clients see that they have Voice and Choice. So… Voice and Choice… hmmmm. …. Then I thought, “How do I live knowing deep within that I have Voice and Choice?” “What does that look like, feel like to me?”
So you see, healing from Complex PTSD [and I’ve called it various names: Childhood Trauma, Complex Trauma, Developmental Trauma, Childhood Sexual abuse, Childhood Abuse trauma, C-PTSD] is a life-long journey and some of the ‘silver linings’ of recovering from C-PTSD are the things I’ve learned about myself, and even the physiological, psychological and relational damage that ensued now explains my actions, my choices, my challenges and my triumphs. To be able to understand the WHYs in my life has helped me sooo much. I cannot explain really the sense of jubilation I feel when I have these AHA moments after I’ve learned a word or a name that describes what was going on in my head or body or what certain behaviours were that I experienced.
So this Voice and Choice. All along I’ve tried to use my voice and the frustrating part of doing that is being treated with disrespect while doing so. And yet, this hasn’t stopped me. I know full well that there may be some who read my posts and have their own judgements of what I say and/or how I say it. That is fine. I am not writing for these ones in particular. I write of my healing journey so that other abuse victims can see and know that there are others who have felt the exactly same way they have or are right now. As said before, childhood abuse victims grow up feeling so alone, isolated and like they don’t belong anywhere that I feel such empathy and compassion for those who struggle with these same feelings. Sharing my experiences is my gift of understanding and compassion to them, to you.
Looking back I can see how I’ve lived pretty much these past 50+ years in a dissociative state. It’s amazing really how the body and brain work so that I was able to grow up and travel and later raise a family all while being disconnected to my feelings and deepest awareness of self. This means that I’ve merely existed and not really lived, not how I would have if the abuse never happened. And that no longer matters, really. What matters is today and how I can live life authentically now, being in the present and being able to enjoy life’s precious moments without being removed while worrying about the future or living in the past.